Escape Attempt 54
by Batmanskipper
Summary: After the events of Escape Attempt 50, it looks like Hans is finally about to get his just deserts after pulling one too many double crosses, though Skipper and the team are once again stuck in Blowhole's POW camp. However, Skipper's gut is pretty certain Hans is up to something. However, things take a serious turn when Doris is accused of murder.
1. More Than Meets the Eye

"It's never going to work Skipper, that tunnel's completely structurally unstable." Kowalski spoke. He knew even as he said it that behind his back Skipper was rolling his eyes and whispering something along the lines of that the resident scientist was always a spoil sport and he intended to attempt his latest escape plan anyway. "I mean it, Skipper, you'll never make it. You'll fail. Again. Just like the other three attempts. That makes, what, 53 attempts to escape this place? You can thank Doris for the fact you're still alive."

"Yeah, but 49 worked." Skipper countered. Kowalski looked up from his makeshift laboratory hidden in the false section of wall he'd built behind his bed. In fact, the whole eastern wall of barracks 3 had a good half a foot gap between the real wall and the fake one, filled with failed inventions, anything Rico had managed to steal from the guards, and pretty much everything else they didn't want Blowhole to spot on his surprise searches. It was, of course – in Kowalski's more pessimistic mind, not Skipper's – only a matter of time before Blowhole worked it out, but it was good enough for now. Kowalski could see that his brief taste of freedom had created a craving in Skipper to get out of that POW camp at any cost.

"I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, K'walski," Private called down from his bunk, the only one who Skipper had allowed to sleep in despite waking up the barracks at the unseemly hour of five in the morning, "but I smell burning again." Kowalski turned around to see the draught had blown the flame of his cobbled together burner against a portion of the wooden wall.

"Great Antoine Lavoisier Father of Modern Chemistry!" Kowalski shrieked at the flames, "Fire! Fire!" He panicked, "The building's on fire!"

"Aw, 'Walski." Rico groaned, glancing up from polishing the new knife he'd just stolen at the flames. He reached over to the table, grabbing a bowl of watery soup and throwing it at the relatively small fire.

"Hey, that was my dinner!" Skipper protested.

"Blame 'Walski, ee set th' fire." Rico replied. A few small flames dared to continue to continue to flicker against the charred wood. Rico gave them a solid whack with a handy piece of damp laundry, and no flames dared reappear. He returned to cleaning his knife.

"Alright, Kowalski, find some wood to replace the burnt sections then throw the burnt bits in the stove." Skipper sighed and went back to planning his escape.

"Skipper!" Maurice called from the window, "One of the lobsters is headed for the barracks!"

"Somebody cover up that wall!" Skipper ordered, making a dive for one of the bunk beds. Just as they heard footsteps outside the door, Skipper and Rico shoved Private's bed in front of the burnt out section of wall. The door opened.

"Is Smith in here?" The lobster called. Kowalski recognized the name he'd assumed at first capture, and tried to look innocent.

"Where else would I be?" He replied, "What do you want?" But the lobster had paused, sniffing the air.

"I smell burning." He spoke. Kowalski looked uncomfortably at Skipper.

"It's from outside." Skipper answered hurriedly.

"I didn't see anything burning." The lobster countered.

"It just started burning." Skipper replied, "It's, uh… Guy Fox Night bonfire!" His eyes signalled to Rico to see what he could do about a fire outside before the guard turned around.

"But Skippah, it's the middle of June and it's not night yet…" Private then seemed to realize what Skipper was doing, "Of course, Guy Fox Night. How silly of me to forget."

"Put out the bonfire before Blowhole sees it." The lobster ordered, then returned to his original assignment, "Smith, the doc wants to see you."

* * *

><p>"Smith?" Blowhole greeted as Kowalski entered. Blowhole knew who he was, but it seemed like a good idea to keep up the façade just in case someone was listening. And he supposed it made Blowhole feel like everything was back to normal and he had in no circumstances collaborated with Skipper and a bunch of escapees and then betrayed them to a traitor (whom he subsequently was involved in betraying).<p>

"I'm here." Kowalski replied, making it clear he had absolutely no desire to be there. He didn't mention he was working on a fascinating new discovery to do with some of the unexplained properties he'd found in his seven day rations in a test tube (green gelatine form), including sentient qualities.

"Smith," Blowhole stood up from behind his desk, "I want you to keep an eye on my sister."

"What, is she trying to escape?"

"No." Blowhole replied, clearly not finding this amusing, "It's what I would think is the happiest day of her life before she finds a decent husband who isn't a manipulative mercenary psychopathic…" He glanced at his watch and had to cut his description of Hans short, "Sorry, I'm running late. They're executing Hans and that pilot – you know the one who tried to fly that English spy across for him – and Doris isn't taking it very well." Kowalski, like Blowhole, seemed slightly puzzled by this behaviour, "…I know, it makes no sense, but I want you to keep an eye on her so she doesn't do anything crazy. My office is all yours, if you can drag her out of the living room." Blowhole winced, "I don't want her watching."

"Sure, thanks for…" Kowalski stuttered, before realizing who he was talking to. Blowhole wasn't allowing him to comfort the woman he loved out of the goodness of his heart, Kowalski was just the best candidate to do it because Blowhole had to supervise the execution. Blowhole, however, picked up on the sentiment so Kowalski didn't waste words explaining it as he left. "Wait, why didn't we know about this?"

"I can keep some secrets from you, and Maurice agreed that we'd have a riot on our hands with prisoners trying to tear him apart because, I agree with them, a firing squad's too good for him." Kowalski nodded in silent agreement and continued into his sister's quarters where she was standing at the window, watching – sure enough, they were shooting Hans. Kowalski had a good view of it, and he actually second guessed Blowhole's suggestion that Doris not watch, but she couldn't watch. He still didn't know how, but somehow she still cared about Hans, although repeatedly reassured Kowalski that she did love him. All the science in the world couldn't explain the workings of Doris' mind. Well, it probably could, but they hadn't discovered that much yet.

"They're really doing it, aren't they?" Doris spoke the moment Kowalski entered, at first seeming perfectly calm as she stood by the window. Then in barely a thousandth of a second it all broke apart, "Oh, Kowalski!" she sobbed, "The first good thing he ever did in his life…"

"He was getting paid £25,000* from Nigel to "send Private home unharmed and in the style in which he is accustomed"." Kowalski countered.

"But I think he was going to do it anyway." Sure he was. "And they're going to kill him for…" She choked off and couldn't finish the rest.

"Let's get out of here…"

"No." She countered, even grabbing the window sill firmly in case Kowalski got any ideas about dragging her out, though he didn't think that would give her much of an edge. But still she wasn't going anywhere and Kowalski resigned himself to placing an arm around her and holding her, though the whole time her eyes were locked on the scene. Kowalski tried to shut the window she was listening through, but she had put her hand between the sill and the window, so Kowalski couldn't shut it without slamming her fingers in the window or starting a fight with her.

"Parker?!" Kazoo barked. For a moment Parker just stood there staring at the blank section of wall, frozen with fear, before he was grabbed by two other guards.

"Hans!" He screamed, "You can't let them do this to me! You never told me the kid was a British agent! You…!"

"I wouldn't bother appealing to him, he's in the same boat as you." Blowhole called back coldly as Parker was dragged out up to the wall. Doris burst into another fit of sobs, burying her face in Kowalski's jacket. Kowalski tactfully shut the window while she wasn't looking, but the commands could still be faintly heard through the glass.

The shots rang out loud and clear and almost like this was the starters gun at the beginning of a race Doris broke away from him, running outside and onto the muddy ground that covered the stretch between them and the firing squad. But she didn't go more than a few meters out of the commandant's quarters before Kowalski caught up with her, and she barely put up more than symbolic resistance against him, though she dug her high heels into the ground when he suggested going back inside.

Hans watched impassively as the rifles were reloaded, standing motionless as Parker's body was dragged off. His eyes locked on Doris and they briefly acknowledged her with a faint smile that Kowalski supposed he wanted the world to believe was comforting and Doris burst into another flood of tears. Hans returned to looking calmly forward.

"Major Hans…" They had a little trouble with his last name. There was a whole list of them since he kept changing it so often. Kazoo continued scanning down the list before it was cut off when the typist got bored, leaving out the oldest pseudonyms and their closest released guesses for his real name.

"That's good enough." Hans replied. Kazoo nodded. The two guards came forward but Hans walked willingly in front of the wall.

"Deja vous." He mouthed at Kowalski. If he wasn't holding Doris he probably would have said something much harsher back. Kowalski could never stop telling himself that he should have gone through with killing him two years ago.

"Stop!" a woman's voice ordered.

"Don't wait, you didn't hear that!" Blowhole hissed to Kazoo.

"I really would." The woman replied walking briskly across the stretch of ground, holding up a piece of paper for all to see before handing it to Blowhole. "Captain Henrietta Blue. Do you know who his late father's close friend is?"

"I didn't know he had a father." Blowhole muttered. "Anyway, he's a traitor, he tried to smuggle a British agent out of the country, it doesn't matter who his father's close friend is." Blue replied that it was in his best interests to read the orders nonetheless, and Blowhole reluctantly did so, his mood worsening with every word. He handed them back to Blue, sighed disappointedly and gave the order to send Hans back to the cooler. Kowalski had known it all along, Hans standing up there like it was nothing in the world meant one of three things: he was either brave, an idiot (same thing, in Kowalski's opinion) or, more consistent with Hans' previous actions, he had a trick up his sleeve. "So essentially, he's halting all this so he can be retried," if what he had could be considered a trial, "in front of McSlade?"

"Exactly. Thank you, doctor." She seemed inclined to stay with the prisoner so disappeared.

"Dr Blowhole…" Kazoo spoke nervously.

"Don't worry, McSlade's one of us, he hates Hans. He's just stalling." But somehow Kowalski got the feeling it was more than that.

*** $1,000,000 in today's money**


	2. There's Something Fishy

Skipper shoved the diagram of the guard positions under the bed as the door opened and Blowhole entered the almost empty barracks. Everybody was headed for the baseball game between barracks three and barracks four. Skipper would join them, he just had a few finishing touches to add to his newest escape plane.

"Well, Skipper…" Blowhole began as usual, but somebody else, a woman Kowalski had called "Henrietta Blue" interrupted.

"Are you Private Knife, also known as Skipper?" She asked.

"Yes I am," Skipper replied, "though I'm not sure about the second bit." He added. His identity was becoming the most widely publicized secret in whole the camp. It was easy to forget that not quite everybody knew it.

"Hans would like to speak to you." She spoke. From the way Blowhole looked at her, he clearly wasn't too partial to Hans' self-appointed defender nor did she like Blowhole. If she wasn't working for Hans, Skipper might have tried to convince her to get a message out to Marlene to spite Blowhole. Skipper wondered why she was even still there, as far as he knew it wasn't common practice for people like Hans to get their own personal babysitters.

"Why not?" Skipper replied after barely a moment's pause. Why waste a once in a lifetime opportunity to gloat? "You gonna let me go?" He asked Blowhole.

"Certainly." Blowhole replied, "You never know, he might just be calling you over to take you off my hands." Skipper shrugged and started out the door, noticing Kowalski heading out to watch the tiebreaker baseball game, the scientist dragging along a small crowd trying to convince him to give them his prediction of who he thought would win. Skipper blinked, wondering if it was just him or if Miss Blue had just winked at Kowalski. Kowalski seemed to be wondering that too, but the game was about to start so he dismissed it as his imagination.

"You look unusually pleased." Blowhole commented.

"Kowalski's told me who's gonna win." Skipper replied, "I'm about to make a little extra spending money."

"Oh," Blowhole replied, "And who is it?"

"Barracks three, of course, and Rico's gonna be the one who wins it for us at the last minute – he always likes to add a little suspense to the game." Skipper replied.

"Actually, no." Miss Blue countered, "Blowhole is going to move role call to sometime in the middle of the match then someone – Mort, actually – is going to do something that will get you all confined to barracks, so, nobody technically wins. However, as none of you will be able to rest without knowing who won but can't count on a second uninterrupted game, Kowalski will do a statistical analysis of both teams' performance and conclude that it was barracks four who won, and the best preforming player up till then was a member of barracks three on loan to barracks four after Randy was sent to the infirmary: Private."

"That's crazy!" skipper protested, but there was something about the certainty with which the woman spoke that made Skipper less certain of that, "Kowalski!" Skipper shouted, "Kowalski, I want you to change my…"

"And we're here." Blowhole interrupted, and shoved him inside before he could finish.

"How did you do that?" Skipper asked as the door shut behind him and Miss Blue, "Kowalski's gonna want to know."

"I'm sure he will." She replied, "Hm," She paused, "Well, you can tell your scientist I'm psychic." Skipper could imagine Kowalski's reaction to that, he'd be demanding the real answer from her in seconds.

"He's in the cell at the end." The lobster interrupted. Skipper was still puzzled by the fact Miss Blue had requested Kowalski's lobster acquaintance. He was knew Hans was aware of the relationship between Doris and Kowalski.

"I'll be waiting outside." Miss Blue spoke, "Try not to start a fight." She added as she left. Skipper was already following the lobster to the last cell.

"Ah Skippar, so glad you could make it." Hans spoke, his attention immediately locking on to Skipper. "It hasn't really been that long, has it?" The lobster paused a moment with the key in hand and Skipper indicated that he was fine to go in. "Could you give us a little privacy?" Hans asked and the lobster locked the door and walked to the end of the corridor.

"You're up to something." Skipper spoke.

"Miss Blue's rubbing off on you. What makes you think I'm up to something?"

"You asked if Doris is okay."

"What's so strange about that?"

"You don't care about her. How is she involved?" Kowalski would want him to ask that. He didn't really want to see Doris tangled up in this again either.

"Who says I have a plan? And for the record, I do care about her." Hans countered, "Blowhole says right now I'm only delaying the inevitable, how could I possibly be up to anything?" He nodded to the locked door. Still, the infuriating manner with which he denied the accusation confirmed to Skipper beyond any doubt something was going on that Skipper wasn't aware of, "I wanted to talk to you about the events leading up to our current situations. How you lost, specifically." Skipper scowled.

"Whatever makes you feel better, but how I'm looking at it, you're the one in the worse situation."

"So it looks like now." Hans shrugged, "I beat you, Skipper, I won the game." Skipper's eyes narrowed, "It was an interesting little game between you, me, Nigel and Private. None of you worked it out. The clues were all there, I was going out of my way to keep Private safe, I'd suddenly gotten my hands on a small fortune, and Doris overheard several conversations that were highly suspicious." He received no reaction from Skipper, "Well, that's what Kowalski's probably beating himself up about during his regular dinner dates with my wife. But you," Hans paused, savouring the suspense, "Have you ever wondered what would have happened if Private's final destination had been different?" Skipper went to reply that Private's plane still would have been shot down and very little would be different for him and his team, but Hans beat him to it, "And what if the weather hadn't been bad and he hadn't been mistaken for a British bomber and shot down?" Hans took a half step forward as if daring Skipper to answer.

"There's a lot of "what if"'s in my job. Luck's always part of a successful operation." Skipper replied but was becoming noticeably uncomfortable.

"It's more than that: you weren't able to save him, Skipper. You weren't good enough to catch me – your lieutenant was, actually, but you weren't. It wasn't your team that failed, they followed their orders, the fact I was always two steps ahead of you was the leader's fault." Skipper's scowl returned. "You're Private's role model, you know, the whole time he was telling me that you were coming to save him and that I was going to be very sorry. He was so sure of it. I wonder if the thought's crossed his mind yet that you failed him, or if he still can't see that through his blind loyalty. He'll realize it eventually and then I don't think he'll consider you much of a…"

* * *

><p>"What's going on in here?" Miss Blue demanded, storming angrily into the building. The sounds of the fight Miss Blue had heard from outside ended in a heavy thump.<p>

"I'm on it right away!" the lobster stuttered.

"No." She blocked his way, "You've already demonstrated that you're incompetent. I should have predicted that." She motioned to one of the three lobsters she'd brought with her, "Take him to Blowhole." She ordered, and then called the two other lobsters she'd brought with her, "Find out who just got knocked out and take Skipper back to the barracks."

"Listen, I didn't think…!"

"You turned a blind eye to the fight because of your personal feelings towards one of the parties." She interrupted. She turned to one of the lobsters she'd brought with her. The lobster under attack couldn't remember seeing them before, "I want all outside men guarding Hans for the next twenty four hours before I sort this out with Blowhole." She noticed the lobster was still standing there, "Get him out of here!"

* * *

><p>Kowalski and the other prisoners of barracks three grudgingly trudged after the scientist back to the barracks. Why did Mort have to decide that role call was the best time to latch on to Julian's feet and refuse to remove himself until they'd all been confined to barracks for the afternoon? And why did it have to happen in the middle of the baseball game? Rico always saved his best game till last to show off, so barracks four had won the half game and Private had been the reason behind it. The kid hadn't stopped apologizing since the game ended.<p>

Kowalski yawned, starting for his bunk, intending to take a nap to take the edge off losing a decent amount of the barracks' unofficial currency to the baseball game, and to delay having to tell Skipper that. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted Skipper sitting on his bunk reading a book of Kowalski's on cats. Too late.

"I've got good news, and bad news, Skipper, what do you want first?" Kowalski sighed, thinking it was better to get the science-doubting over with. Wait, Skipper was reading a book?


	3. Hans' Plan

"Doc..." The lobster poked his head into Blowhole's office nervously, and then almost immediately seemed to have second thoughts.

"Yes?" Blowhole prompted. Too late.

"Doc, the prisoners are complaining that Skipper ain't Skipper." The lobster finished cautiously, waiting for Blowhole's utter surprise and amazement. Instead, Blowhole set down what he was doing with a weary sigh as if the lobster had just said what he had with the sole purpose of making his life harder than he already thought it was, and seemed far from wanting to do anything about what he'd just been told if he could help it.

"So Kowalski's experimenting with mind control again or hypnosis or whatever, is he?" Blowhole replied, not at all astonished or perplexed as the lobster had expected.

"No, doc, Skipper really ain't Skipper." He corrected. This seemed to make the news even worse for Blowhole.

"And he's gotten to you too." Blowhole groaned, reluctantly reaching across the desk for a temporarily (which he'd hoped would be permanently) neglected file labelled 'For When Kowalski Tries to Mind Control/Hypnotize/Duplicate/Mind-Swap Etc. the Red Ones Again'. "Now I have to painstakingly check all the other guards, and fill out the transfer forms, and come up with a believable excuse for this which doesn't include admitting any part of the truth and…"

"See for yourself, doc," The lobster countered, "Skipper ain't Skipper!"

"I don't want to be hypnotized!" Blowhole protested, "I just got my job back!"

"Oh." The lobster paused as if having come to some brilliant realization. What he did next was rather clever, even if it had never crossed his mind the effect it would have on Blowhole, "I didn't realize you had a weak mind, doc…"

"What did you just call me…?!" Blowhole demanded angrily.

"Oh don't worry, I don't judge. See, a friend a mine said you couldn't be hypnotized if you've got a strong mind. I'm so glad you have a weak mind too, doc, I feel so much less alone already…"

"I do not have a weak mind and anyway what your friend told you is entirely untrue!" Blowhole snapped, "Kowalski!" He yelled through the door at where the scientist was undoubtedly waiting. "Take me to this Skipper who isn't Skipper!"

* * *

><p>"He's in there." Kowalski spoke, standing at the door of the almost entirely emptied barracks, the prisoners of barracks three gathered behind him, murmuring quietly in anticipation.<p>

"Alright," Blowhole replied, "I'll play along with your little game. For the record, I don't believe a word of what you've told me."

"Make a note of that, Phil." Mason remarked, "If you wouldn't mind signing that, Doctor…" Blowhole just huffed indignantly and pushed open the door.

"Took you long enough." The barracks' sole occupant spoke, his blue eyes looking up from the book on cats he'd taken from Kowalski's personal library. He was wearing Skipper's bomber jacket and he was seated on Skipper's bunk. But he wasn't Skipper.

"You really aren't Skipper." Blowhole spoke after a moment. He shut the door behind him and then questioned, considering who it was he'd just shut himself in a room alone with, weather it had been such a good idea.

"No, I'm not." Hans replied. He put the book down, taking his time, then looked up at Blowhole with that faintly infuriating smile as if he found all this quite amusing. Blowhole's first instinct was to yell for the guards and demand how he'd gotten out, but something told him Hans was probably up to something.

"Where's Skipper?" Perhaps there would be a silver lining in the form of Skipper disappearing, never to be seen again by another living soul.

"He is currently sitting in my cell with a bad headache, probably saying some very angry things about me." Hans seemed especially happy about this part. "By the way, before you jump to any conclusions about sending me back: consider this, if you don't say anything, then my little 'in a whole lot of trouble for being a traitor' problem is Skipper's problem." Hans could see he'd caught Blowhole's interest, "As you said yourself, calling McSlade was only delaying the inevitable." Blowhole still seemed uncertain, "Keep quiet till McSlade turns up – and McSlade's my problem – and Skipper will die in my place."

* * *

><p>Blowhole stepped out of the barracks.<p>

"So?" Kowalski prompted when the other scientist said nothing.

"He's Skipper."

There was no contesting it with Blowhole, who hurried off across the yard without another word and shut himself in his quarters. Kowalski knew that look. The scientist barked an order for the others to stay outside and stormed into the barracks.

"I told you, I'd get Blowhole to see things my way." Hans commented glibly. Kowalski hated I-told-you-sos. Kowalski knew Hans had said it because he hated it, but even considering his last encounter with Hans' and how Hans had played him before he'd taken it a bit too far and Kowalski had snapped, he found it very difficult to keep a cool and rational head.

"What's your game?" Kowalski demanded, knowing full well Hans was only going to sit back and smile and say something along the lines of "guess". And Kowalski would guess, at least, he hoped.

"Alright, here's my position," Hans stated seriously, "My first problem: I don't want to end up in front of court martial of people who all hate me. I think that's fairly obvious." Kowalski nodded, "Second problem: I got enough out of Skipper to know something big is going to happen fairly soon, and I don't want to have a history like mine when it does when I end up on the wrong side of the war."

"No guilt for how you got your reputation, whatsoever, clearly." Kowalski commented, his opinion of Hans clear in his tone.

"Are you trying to talk morals with me again?" Hans asked as if he was a bit slow in picking up the pattern, something else that infuriated Kowalski, "I'm sorry, I've been cut off from reality for a while, I couldn't help myself. Now," He became serious again, "knowing my position and the current situation with me an Skipper, you've probably calculated that I have two options: I can either sit out the war as an American POW – and Skipper will be executed as me – get taken to America where I'll start a new life with Skipper's identity, or you can get me off that espionage charge. If so, then the only place you'll likely ever see me again is South America, and Skipper gets his life back. Since I don't have much of a personal preference, what happens is entirely up to you."

* * *

><p>The next morning the weather was dull and grey like the weather usually seemed to be. When Private and Rico had shaken him awake saying there was something he needed to see, at first he'd thought it was another one of Skipper's drills. But Skipper was still locked up as Hans, and nobody, not even his lobster acquaintance, would admit he wasn't Hans. But then he noticed Private was noticeably shaken up, Rico was unusually quiet, and Mort was crying uncontrollably just outside.<p>

Private and Rico led him around to the side of the barracks where Blowhole and a small crowd of lobsters were gathered around something.

"You're the ranking POW officer so I thought you should be made aware of this." Blowhole spoke gravely, beckoning Kowalski over, "I think his name was Elmer." Kowalski pushed his way through the crowd that surrounded the body. Kowalski remembered Elmer, he'd been involved in the escape attempt that had worked, but had been dragged back in a few years later by Hans. He'd been a friendly giant, dangerous if you got on his bad side, but a loyal, cheery and enthusiastic fellow if he liked you. Kowalski recalled he'd been close friends with Mort, but disliked Julian because he liked cats which Elmer despised with a vengeance. "One of the guards found him this morning." Blowhole spoke. He pointed out the makeshift blade that had killed Elmer, which was grasped firmly in the corpse's right hand. "Stabbed sometime last night." He pointed out, in case Kowalski hadn't already gathered that much. "Looks like suicide. Shame, he was a good prisoner."

Kowalski went to nod in agreement, but paused.

"No, it wasn't."


	4. Deadline

Kowalski turned on his heel, ignoring the crowd's protested at being left in suspense, and started back towards the barracks. Elmer hadn't killed himself, Kowalski was certain of it. If it had been a number of other people he might have believed it, but Elmer one of the few of them who'd decided to do the best he could with the time in the camp. He had been in the middle of starting a camp football league amongst other projects, and that had practically been his life, so why kill himself in the middle of his pet project? On top of that, he'd been almost annoyingly eager to participate in Skipper's upcoming escape plan, and in fact had been one of the more optimistic prisoners to insist that it continue without Skipper. Also, where had he gotten that knife? Kowalski recognised it, it had been stolen from Kazoo earlier that afternoon, and stealing from Kazoo, while it wasn't the most difficult of endeavours, required some subtlety. Elmer had been the very opposite of subtle.

Kowalski threw open the door of barracks three. His look told the few others who'd remained in the building to scram, leaving him alone with Hans.

"Why did you kill him?" Kowalski demanded angrily.

"Who, me?" Hans replied, acknowledging the scientist. It was so obvious he was lying he might as well have said it aloud. Hans shrugged glibly, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Don't bother denying it, it's not a hypothesis, it's a fact." Kowalski countered, "What I want to know is: why Elmer? Me, I'd understand that –" Then a new thought occurred to Kowalski, an unlikely one, but the only one he could think of, "if you killed an innocent guy because of me and Doris…"

"Why would I kill a random person if I wanted to get even with you?" Hans replied as if this were an absurd notion.

"Because you know the guilt of having caused the death of someone innocent would eat at me more than…"

"Good idea, I think I'm going to make a note of that." Kowalski scowled.

"You have the most disturbed sense of humour I have ever encountered…" Kowalski paused and his expression changed entirely with the even more terrifying realization. "Great Galileo, you aren't really…" Hans just said nothing, but his smile confirmed Kowalski's guess was correct. For a brief moment Kowalski stared at him in horror, then left the barracks, immediately walking up to the penguins who had gathered just outside.

"Kowalski, you said it wasn't suicide." Maurice asked cautiously, "Did Hans kill him?"

"Yes." Kowalski replied grimly.

"Why?" Rico countered, as confused by the motive as Kowalski had been a few minutes ago.

"Hans is killing everyone who knew him as himself." Kowalski explained, "Hans seems to have given up on getting his old life back, but if he's going to take over Skipper's identity, he can't have anyone around who could give up his real identity before he's out of the country. If we're all dead," Private looked like he was about to faint, "to all the other prisoners, he'll just be a prisoner who was caught impersonating a traitor then somehow beat the rap – he'll get Blowhole to give him a new name and identity for roll call and stuff that he'll claim is one of Skipper's aliases – and there's no chance anyone will ever question his identity. He probably picked Elmer first because he thought he was fairly easy. Who goes next, I don't know."

"H… How many people know who he really is?" Private asked nervously.

"Well, I'm going to list the ones who know enough about him he'd be concerned about it." Kowalski consulted his clipboard: "That would be the team, Maurice, Julian, Mort, Phil and Mason, and any of the prisoners who were brought back by Hans or someone working for him… then there's the possibility he'd go for a more cautious list which could include much of barracks three and some of barracks two, then there's the people who knew Skipper well once he gets state side, that would include Marlene and…" It was clear the rest of the team didn't want to hear anymore.

"I guess he's forced our hand, hasn't he?" Maurice finally spoke, "I mean, none of us want to do it after what happened with Archie, but it's him or us…"

"You really think Hans would come up with a plan that could be countered like that?" Maurice had to admit this was unlikely, "The only reason Blowhole has to release Skipper is if Hans asks for his life back. If Hans goes missing, it's easier for him to leave Skipper as Hans and get to exact his revenge at the same time than try to explain how Hans swapped himself with a prisoner under Blowhole's watch whose history he doesn't want investigated too closely."

"We', it simple:" Rico concluded, "'ee warn th' ba'acks, n'one 's ever lef' alone."

"The more people we tell, the more people has to kill." Kowalski countered, "His life depends on this, he'll take any risk he has to, might even burn down the whole barracks to get all of us." Kowalski's logic was, unfortunately, sound.

* * *

><p>Unsurprisingly, nobody wanted to be anywhere near where Hans was, essentially giving Hans the barracks to himself for the day. Still, Kowalski doubted he'd try anything in broad daylight. When Kowalski entered the barracks Hans was stood over by his lab surface, examining a chemical or two.<p>

"Don't touch those." Kowalski ordered.

"So they are dangerous." Hans concluded, "What experiment are you currently conducting?"

"Well," The lack of people who ever asked Kowalski that question on this side of the English Channel caused him to begin to answer almost immediately without thinking, "I'm testing my theory that…" then he remembered who he was talking to. "I don't think that has anything to do with you."

"I'm just curious, passing the time." He replied innocently. He picked up the book on cats and replaced it in Kowalski's library, taking out Kowalski's dog eared, but much loved and painstakingly annotated first volume of Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica."

"Put that back." Kowalski ordered.

"I'm just going to borrow it." Hans replied, "It will keep me out of mischief for a while, won't it?"

"Can you even read Latin?" Kowalski grumbled, giving him a look that implied it better be returned in one piece or else.

"No, but I want to read your annotations." He sat down and began reading the scribbled notes in the margins as if Kowalski wasn't even there. Kowalski had to say Hans was acting strangely, even for him. Catching 'Skipper' reading he'd felt defied all the laws of the team's dynamics, but he'd always seen Hans as more like Skipper than someone who would constantly raid his personal library for books on unrelated topics that he couldn't even read properly.

"Look," Kowalski paused, "I came here to ask if you would just stop the killing for a while, at least until we know if Skipper is going to be…" He didn't want to finish, "…or not."

"You do realize that clearing 'me' is completely hopeless." Hans replied without looking up from the book.

"You didn't answer my question." Kowalski countered, but that seemed to be all Hans wanted to say on the topic, "Fine, just give me two days."

"What possible benefit for me could there be to waiting two days?"

"Because…. Because I've got a plan." Hans looked up.

"You do?" He asked, clearly not believing a word of what Kowalski said. "Alright, what is it?"

"Well…" Kowalski didn't actually have a plan at the time he said that. He didn't even have a plan at this point. Still, as the pause grew longer, he could see Hans was getting close and closer to correctly concluding that he had no plan. "That £25,000* Nigel paid you," At least in the movies he'd watched, that was usually the start of a melodramatic and over complicated plan. Possibly he could fake it with such clichés till he could come up with a real plan, "Did they ever find it…?"

**About $1,000,000 in today's money**


	5. Bribary

"So what's the relationship between you and Miss Blue?" Kowalski asked. He just couldn't imagine himself making small talk with Hans, so went with something a bit bigger.

"What do you mean?" Hans replied guardedly.

"Why is she doing all this for you?" Kowalski elaborated, "It's not standard practice." Hans didn't immediately have an answer to this, which was fine with Kowalski, since he still had a few minutes to kill before Doris got back from town, and he'd been the one assigned to keep an eye on Hans. Not that it would actually do much good, but it would make Private less uneasy.

"It's complicated." Hans replied cryptically, and for a moment he seemed a little human. Kowalski saw his opening.

"So you do feel guilty about something?" He might not be able to make Hans disappear, but he could make his life very difficult.

"Are you trying to tell jokes again?" But Kowalski could tell he'd hit a nerve. Hans seemed to realize he'd left himself open too, and reluctantly accepted the fact that he didn't have much choice than to continue. "Let's just say that…" But Kowalski wasn't about to let him phrase it nicely.

"You've been cheating on Doris with her." Kowalski summarized.

"No!" Hans protested, then quickly seemed to regain his calm as if his outburst hadn't happened, "Frankly, I can't see any objection you could possibly have if I was. Where were you again the night before last? You know, Elmer might still be alive if you hadn't been distracted by Doris. It's quite possible that if you'd been there…" But Kowalski knew what Hans was doing, trying the guilt game on him again, and he wasn't falling for it.

"You're losing your touch, Hans," Kowalski was going to continue, but he noticed Doris approaching.

"Did you do it?" Kowalski asked.

"I gave Marlene one of the locations where the money's hidden." Doris replied. "She got the £2,000* and she should be making the deal right now." She added excitedly. "And I've got the rest." Knowing Marlene, she'd probably already made the deal, would then profess to have some kind of problem to get Doris back out of camp to deliver a letter to Skipper. Kowalski was going to have to tell Doris in advance that it was just about impossible to so much as see Skipper, never mind give him a letter. "Do you really think it's going to work? I mean, it's so simple…?"

"I wouldn't call it simple, but yes, I think it will." Kowalski replied. Based on his previous record, there was about a fifty fifty chance for plans he'd made up on the spot, but he liked this one.

"Well, it's simpler than most of you other plans." Doris replied.

"I think it has a good chance of working." Hans agreed, which was exactly what Kowalski had wanted to hear. The more confidence Hans had, the safer he and his men were.

"So you agree to the terms of the deal?" Kowalski asked. "No more…"

"Let's just keep it between us." Hans interrupted, glancing at Doris. Doris gave them a perplexed look, but didn't press for answers. "But yes, for as long as it takes to see if this works."

* * *

><p>"Bribery, eh?" Blowhole spoke with a slight smirk, "You're getting desperate now, aren't you?"<p>

"What do you mean?" Kowalski replied innocently, and then opted to leave the lying to Hans. He seemed to be very good at it when he wanted to be.

"I'm guessing," Hans glanced at the smirking lobster who'd also been called into the room, "that he has made some kind of an accusation about us bribing him, Kowalski." Hans spoke as if this were some brilliant deduction. "Am I correct?" Blowhole seemed slightly confused by this, but then decided they were lying.

"Yes, he claims you paid him £2,000 to destroy the map we found in the wreckage of the plane that clearly stated the destination as England or to replace it with a clear forgery to make it look like a set up." Blowhole replied. "Now don't try to deny that."

"I'm going to have to." Hans replied, "For one thing I'm stuck in here, and for another, I haven't got £2,000."

"You've got $25,000." Blowhole countered. Hans glanced suspiciously at the guard and Kowalski.

"Could we talk without those two?" Hans asked. Blowhole took a moment to consider this, and then sent the others out of the room. "If you want to know the truth, I never even had it in the first place, and I probably wasn't going to get it either, but I was confident I could find wherever Savio hid them."

"Really? How much was it you paid Savio again to hide Skipper?" Blowhole countered.

"Promised, not paid." Hans corrected, "Do you think Nigel would really be so naive as to give me the money first if he was trying to make a deal with me?"

"I guess that doesn't sound like what I've heard this Nigel is like." Actually, Nigel had been so desperate when Hans had told him that his nephew had been captured and that he could get him back that he'd immediately accepted Hans' terms. Likely he'd been relying off Skipper's outdated information that Hans was, if evil, a man of his word. "And what do you mean trying to make a deal with you?"

"Nigel contacted me about returning his nephew for a price. I turned him down. His information was even more valuable to me," Blowhole looked doubtful, "Don't believe me? Private is the head of the Zoo's nephew who was always curious about what Skipper was up to. He probably listened in on three quarters of Nigel's conversations. And the amazing part is that up until he met with Skipper again, he probably didn't know how important most of it is. He probably would have told me without even having to get to the messy stage. I still got a fair bit out of him before I decided to fly him to Berlin."

"Then how, if he was supposed to go to Berlin and you never had the money, did he end up on a plane headed for England and entirely unharmed."

"Like I said, I think I could have gotten the majority of the information out of him by talking," Hans replied, "And this is where it gets interesting, but first, were you going to do any kind of search of the lobsters' quarters?"

"Yes, I was, I heard from a confidential source in the barracks that some of the Red Ones were smuggling things into camp in exchange for items from the Red Cross packages and good behaviour."

"So he realizes he's going to be caught with £2,000 on him because he was either the middle man or he was in league with Parker – they clearly took the money Nigel had offered me, and acted alone – so he claims I tried to bribe him to explain the money."

"But I'd immediately confiscate it?"

"Which is why he still has more he's hiding, now you 'know' he isn't the smuggler."

"There are other ways he could have gotten that money?" Blowhole countered.

"Search his quarters. If you find more money, check it against the serial numbers of the money Nigel sent across. I know you have a contact in London. If they match, I'm telling the truth." Blowhole was at first reluctant, but finally agreed.

* * *

><p>"You never finished the story about Blue." Kowalski spoke as they watched Blowhole conduct a search of the lobster's room. This seemed to be a topic Hans didn't want revived, which was why Kowalski was bringing it up again.<p>

"I don't have to."

"Should I tell Doris what I've found out already? It looks pretty incriminating."

"Fine." Hans replied reluctantly. Kowalski had to say, it was wonderful to be on the other side of the psychological manipulation, "It came to my knowledge that Miss Blue has been romantically interested in me since we were teenagers, apparently." Kowalski had to say there was something off about his story. He still distinctly remembered the woman winking at him more than a little suggestively, "Considering my current position, I needed someone to buy me a little more time to find a way out, so I called her and used those feelings to my advantage." On the other hand, Kowalski couldn't think of any other reason why she would take so many personal risks to help Hans.

"Another £3,000." Blowhole spoke exiting the lobsters' quarters, carrying a bag that likely contained the money. Then he thought of something else, "Have either of you two been near the Red Ones' quarters? I'm going to check."

"No." Hans and Kowalski replied in unison. They hadn't, but Private had.

"I'm going to contact a source in London. We'll know tomorrow if there's any truth in your story or if somebody on the outside is just trying to get you out."

***£78,480.00**


	6. A Million Bananas and Some Chimpanzees

The next morning Kowalski and Hans were standing outside Blowhole's office bright and early. Fortunately when Kowalski did a quick head count, everyone was present and accounted for. They'd suggested taking shifts to watch Hans through the night, but really all that meant was that the person they'd nominate had volunteered to be next, since they would have to be someone already on Hans' list and he wouldn't be able to go after anyone else.

"Is he keeping us in suspense on purpose?" Hans grumbled.

"Yes, he probably is, Blowhole always does this." Kowalski replied, "But it isn't suspense. All we're doing now is waiting for you official release." Hans seemed to agree, but somehow Kowalski had the strangest feeling it wasn't going to be as simple as all that. Still, he had no scientific evidence to back up that 'feeling', so completely disregarded it. "I think we should just go in." Hans was silently elected to open the door.

"… Yes, that's all I needed, just the serial numbers. I have no further messages for him." Blowhole hung up.

"The serial numbers match, don't they?" Hans spoke, "That lobster has the money that Nigel had tried to bribe me with." But Blowhole looked just a little too happy.

"It was a nice try, the numbers were almost the same, but not quite." Blowhole countered. Hans and Kowalski stared at him in astonishment, because that money was exactly the money Nigel had paid Hans.

"You're contact has to be lying…" Kowalski started, but Hans cut him off.

"No, he wouldn't. He couldn't actually." Hans countered. "Still…"

"No Hans, all that money proves is that someone on the outside, either a friend of Skipper's or a friend of yours, tried to buy your way out. I think that's all you have to say."

There wasn't much more they could do and the two of them left Blowhole's office.

"How…?" Kowalski began to ask when Doris ran up to them, as if she'd been waiting for them to leave.

"I almost didn't make it, but I managed to change some of the numbers on that telegram from London." Doris grinned breathlessly. Then she noticed the other two weren't reacting as expected. "You wanted them switched, right?"

"No, the plan was for the lobster to be caught with my money!" Hans protested. "Now all that's happened is I'm short £5,000 pounds!"

"Well I'm sorry, but I didn't know everything was going to plan!" Doris replied angrily. "You two never tell me anything!" She snapped, then stormed off.

"At least I didn't get the chance to tell her about Blue." Kowalski smirked, breaking the silence that had lasted half way back to the barracks. The least he could do was make the best of the situation by making it worse for Hans. "The one thing you feel guilty about: lying to your high school sweetheart…"

"I do not!" Hans protested.

"And Aristotle was right about the world being made of five elements."

"If you absolutely _have_ to know the details of my personal life…" Hans snapped.

"I share a barracks with you, of course I have to know."

"… I was required to go as far as to kiss her to convince Miss Blue that she should defend me, and yes, I do feel guilty, that my own survival required me to betray Doris."

"Hans?" A familiar voice behind them spoke in astonishment. "You… You've actually cared, all along?" Doris stuttered. Kowalski couldn't think of a worse time for her to have been listening in.

"I keep saying that, but nobody seems to believe me." Hans replied.

"I… I can't believe, I mean, I thought you didn't care…" She glanced over her shoulder, "My… my brother's calling me." She ran off.

"You knew she was there! You just said that to make things awkward between us." Kowalski accused.

"No I didn't." Hans replied, for all Kowalski believed him.

"Doris isn't listening now, you can admit it."

"Admit what?"

* * *

><p>"He's gone too far." Kowalski stated bluntly. "Before you thought it was just revenge against me, but he's actually going to kill all of us." Blowhole didn't meet his eyes.<p>

"Doris says he couldn't really be behind this." Blowhole replied.

"Since when do you believe Doris when it comes to Hans?" Kowalski countered, "Meanwhile, you've got two corpses on your hands."

"He said he'd stop it till the trial." Blowhole countered, and there was something in the way he spoke that made Kowalski wonder if there was something more going on than Blowhole simply wanting to get his revenge on Skipper. "Could it have been an accident?" Kowalski didn't even need to answer that, but he still did.

"Sure, technically, Ted might have decided to climb onto the water tank in the middle of the night just for kicks, then slipped and drowned, but do you really think that's what happened?" Blowhole said nothing, "And by the way, did I forget to mention, that you know he isn't Skipper too. At some point before the Americans arrive…"

"I don't understand why you think that's inevitable…" Blowhole was grasping at straws at this point.

"Hans seems to think it's going to happen. At some point before they arrive something's going to happen to you, and Doris, and Kazoo."

"I know." Blowhole winced, for the first time acknowledging the situation's existence. "But I'm not exactly in the clear after last year. Yes, McSlade is covering for me, but an associate of Hans' has an anonymous letter with a few choice details that would implicate all of us. At least this way maybe I can make a deal with him for me and Doris…" Kowalski could tell he was wasting his time.

Kowalski stepped back out into the morning air where Private and Rico were waiting anxiously outside. They didn't need to ask. "It's like some kind of twisted nightmare. We're locked in here with a guy who's going to pick us off one by one, and there's nothing I can do but wait to see who goes next."

"Are you going to talk to him again?" Private asked.

"It bought us a day last time." Kowalski replied and set off across the camp. He could see the terror that had spread across the camp the moment Ted's body had been discovered. Everyone was on edge, lobsters, prisoners, even the brief glances he got of Skipper showed just how helpless the leader felt locked up where there was nothing he could do but wait for more bad news to reach him. But it wasn't like the people in the rest of the camp or even Marlene on the outside could do anything about it. If anything happened to Hans, like Blowhole had said, every last one of them who'd been involved in any events between the successful escape attempt two years ago up to the whole situation with Private would find themselves in the same position as Skipper.

When the three of them entered the hut Hans was once again seated on Skipper's bunk with Kowalski's book, though this time he seemed to have been waiting for them.

"Look, I didn't kill Ted." He stated the moment they entered. This time he wasn't flaunting his guilt so openly, in fact he looked convincingly like he was telling the truth, but Kowalski knew it was just another act, "Why would I…"

"He knew you the same reason as Elmer. You brought him back after the escape, he knew who you are, you had to get rid of him." Kowalski interrupted.

"Him too? There were a lot of them." Hans commented as if he'd forgotten about Ted, "But I didn't do it. I know it looks like me, but it wasn't."

"You'll have to excuse us for thinking that's highly unlikely." Private replied, with a tone about as harsh as Kowalski had ever heard the boy use.

"Well what can you do about it even if I did?" Hans concluded. "And when I find out who really did kill Ted I'll tell you, and I'm going to continue to honour our agreement. By the way, I've got a plan." Kowalski and Rico looked at each other warily, "You might as well take advantage of it."

"Go on." Kowalski spoke."

"Thank you. Now firstly, we're going to need Skipper's cooperation…"

* * *

><p>Blowhole knew they were up to something. Kowalski and Hans were on speaking terms, and there was only one way that could happen, which was if they were up to something. Regardless of their differences, Kowalski wanted his Skipper back, and despite Hans' expressed indifference, he clearly preferred the idea of living out his days in luxury in South America than the longer process of waiting for the war to end one way or another and making his way from there, then finding some way to go back for the money.<p>

Kowalski had given the pretence that he'd wanted to aid Skipper's defence and that as the new senior POW officer (nobody wanted to count Hans, even Hans, who was trying to keep a low profile) and Doris had used all the leverage she could to arrange a meeting. Blowhole had finally granted permission, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to try his best to listen in. Standing just under the window of Skipper's cell, he didn't have the best sound quality, or even decent sound quality over the noise of what seemed to be another Fourth of July or Guy Fox Night Kowalski had declared, but he could pick up a word or two here and there:

"The plan… escape… can't fail." He heard Kowalski say. Well, Blowhole was certainly glad he was listening in, "But… plan… million…"

"…bananas… monkey…" it was hard to tell whose voice was Skippers and whose was Kowalski's.

"Alright… they'll… fix up that abandoned plane…"

"…major problems… stability… Hey! Blowhole!" Skipper was looking down at him through the window.

"Just how much did you hear?" Kowalski asked warily.

"Oh," Blowhole replied with a devious smile, "I know all about the escape plan."

"You do?" Skipper and Kowalski looked at each other.

"Well go on, don't let me interrupt you."

"We're not saying anything until you go away." Skipper replied. Blowhole honestly hadn't expected that to work. Blowhole reluctantly left them alone.

"So what's their plan?" Kazoo asked running up to him.

"I'll admit, it's probably their craziest yet," Blowhole replied, "It would seem they're planning some kind of escape by paying a band of monkeys or chimpanzees a million bananas to fix up an old plane wreck they've hidden somewhere, but the monkeys – or were they chimpanzees? – have gone on strike or something… And then Skipper realized I was listening and that was all I got. Well, put the camp on lockdown. And search anyone entering or leaving for bananas. They aren't going anywhere."


	7. Enter Marlene and Kitka

"The plan is fairly simple:" Kowalski spoke. Skipper commented something along the lines of that when Kowalski called a plan simple, that was usually the time to dive for cover, "escape is likely not an option as for obvious reasons we can't afford to fail."

"But what about my escape plan?" Skipper countered, "I'd bet a million dollars it's going to work…"

"Mendel's bananas!" Kowalski exclaimed, "If Hans so much as suspects any monkey business…"

"Alright." Skipper grumbled, "And the others? They'll go along with it? It is Hans' plan?"

"It's better than your idea of trying to fix up that abandoned plane. And didn't the last air strike result in major problems with the aircraft's structural stability…?" Kowalski was, unfortunately, correct. Skipper's gut told him someone was listening to them.

"Hey! Blowhole!" he yelled down through the window.

"Just how much did you hear?" Kowalski asked warily, noticing the eavesdropper.

"Oh," Blowhole replied with a devious smile, "I know all about the escape plan."

"You do?" Skipper and Kowalski looked at each other. They'd just agreed not to use an escape plan._  
><em>

"Well go on, don't let me interrupt you."

"We're not saying anything until you go away." Skipper corrected. Blowhole reluctantly left, "Go ahead, Kowalski, explain the plan." This plan, contrary to Blowhole's conclusion, would contain neither chimpanzees, monkeys, large quantities of bananas nor airplanes.

"Actually, it's kind of similar to that escape attempt that worked..."

* * *

><p>"Sorry, ma'am, but we're on high security lockdown." The lobster stated firmly on the other side of the gate, "Nobody goes in or out. Doc's orders."<p>

"But I walked so far to get here!" Kitka complained, batting her eyelashes, "My car's broken down and I don't know where else I can get help?"

"What about the town?" The lobster countered, "And what made you think of going here for help first, anyway…?" He continued suspiciously.

"Oh, me and your boss have a lot of memories together." She replied with a slight smile, "Well, even if I can't come in, could you tell Francis that I'm here?" She passed her card through the fence. "It's been ages."

Kitka could only imagine how fast Blowhole had jumped up from whatever he was doing, likely blushing wildly as he took a moment to straighten his appearance before he practically tripped over his own feet running over to her. He certainly made it to the gate fast enough to break world records.

"M… Miss Kitka!" He exclaimed the moment he saw her, "What are you doing leaving her standing out there?" Blowhole demanded of the lobster, "Open the gates immediately!"

"But doc, you said…"

"I think I'm the exception to the rule." Kitka replied, "Nice to see you again, Francis." She smiled, "I'm glad everything turned out alright for you too. McSlade's really efficient at covering things up when he wants to be." Blowhole stuttered something in agreement. She hadn't been entirely certain when Doris had delivered the note from Kowalski that Blowhole was still as crazy about her as he'd been when they'd last met, but now it was clear Doris had been under exaggerating, if anything. "My car broke down on the main road. Do you think you could have someone fix it?" She'd barely finished asking the question when Blowhole had organized the men to move the car from the main road. "Hey, what are you doing!" She protested when one of the lobsters tried to open the trunk.

"Searchin' for bananas and other items useful to an escape attempt." The lobster replied. Kitka made it clear she was not pleased with this.

"I'm sure Miss Kitka wouldn't do anything like that." Blowhole intervened. "Put the car in the motor pool and see that it's repaired as soon as possible." Blowhole's look made it clear that he actually meant he wanted it to take as long as possible. "Now, Miss Kitka…"

"Actually, it isn't 'Miss' anymore," She corrected now her car was in the gates and Blowhole's heart visibly went into a nose dive, "I can't thank you and Kowalski enough for finding him for me…"

"Oh, yes, well, always glad to be of service, I guess…"

The car was moved to the motor pool and quickly abandoned as per Blowhole's implied instructions. As soon as the area was clear, the trunk of Kitka's car opened a crack, and then opened all the way. Marlene climbed out, stretching as life returned to her stiff limbs, glad that her fear of being locked in there had not been realized. After taking that brief moment, she grabbed the rifle that had dug uncomfortably into her back during the trip and started off in the direction of the pre assigned vantage point. She almost forgot to shut the trunk. After all, Kitka had to remain above suspicion if she ever wanted her help again.

Marlene checked the coast was clear, and then climbed up onto the roof of the barracks Kowalski had arranged to be empty and positioned herself so that she had a clear view of her target. Through the window of the only cell in use she saw its occupant pacing the room like a caged tiger. Then he walked up to the door and banged on the door for the guard. She gave him a few seconds, then took off the safety and raised the rifle, aiming it right at the heart of the man in the cell.

"So you developed all those inventions separately?" Kitka inquired politely, "It was just coincidence that you and Kowalski happened to be working on the same projects? All of them? It does seem a little unlikely."

"No, it was more than coincidence," Blowhole countered, "I was working on them first, and Kowalski copied me. It's outright plagiarism, but what can I do about it?"

"I thought you're in charge here?"

"I am, but Kowalski's not even supposed to have a lab – I used to try to take them down, but they just keep reappearing and my equipment keeps disappearing. Anyway, I can at least prevent him from submitting to any journals."

"Uh, right, I'm guessing that's bad." She replied, moving over to the window as Blowhole droned on about some invention he'd likely stolen from Kowalski. Finally, Skipper turned his back to the window to call the lobster, which was her clue. "Look!" she exclaimed, pointing across the camp.

"What?" Blowhole rushed to her side immediately.

"I think I just saw someone go through the wire!"

"An escape?"

"No, she was breaking in," Kitka corrected quickly. Blowhole seemed puzzled by the fact someone would want to break into a POW camp, but she didn't give him time to think about that, "She went that way!" She pointed in the direction of the roof Marlene was seated on. Immediately Blowhole ran outside yelling for the nearest convenient lobsters to join him and set off in the direction Kitka had indicated. Quickly enough he spotted the intruder on the roof, rifle aimed at Skipper, who was still arguing with the lobster, seemingly oblivious of the situation. At first Blowhole considered letting her finish the job, then grab her, but the intruder had already heard him.

"Marlene?!" He exclaimed on recognising her. "Just what I need, more of you turning up." He grumbled as Marlene reluctantly surrendered.

"You'll never get anything out of me!" She spat as she was forced off the roof. That, of course, was an invitation for Blowhole to try, which he would, after a challenge like that.

* * *

><p>"I'm not saying anything. You might as well just give up." Marlene stated firmly, toying broadly with the metal handcuff around her right wrist. Blowhole sighed exasperatedly, and said something about having to grab some things that were meant to be intimidating from his lab. "I've had Kowalski try to treat me for a stab wound, no little science project of yours could possibly scare me. Anyway, they're only threats, nothing to them. You need me alive because you know I've got information – a lot of it, which you're never gonna get – and none of you science experiments are that safe." She certainly hoped Kowalski had been right about that.<p>

"I wouldn't underestimate my aptitude for taking potentially rewarding risks…" Blowhole went to counter, but Marlene just scoffed. Ironically, she knew she was the one bluffing. She had no desire to have the contents of Blowhole's lab unleashed on her, but at the same time what she said had to appear real.

"Y'know, a year ago, you would have scared me. But you're nothing compared to what I've been through." Now that, was close to true.

Blowhole stormed out of the room.

"Not talking?" Hans commented with vague interest.

"How did you do it?" Blowhole demanded.

"Well, it took a bit of time, but essentially it involved using her weakness – Skipper – against her by…" Blowhole's expression made it clear he wasn't entirely certain he wanted to know specifically what Hans had done to Skipper. "I could probably get her to talk, if you want, in exchange for certain charges to disappear…" Blowhole made it clear this was something he did not have the power to do, nor wanted to do for a price as low as Marlene's information, "Worth a try."

"Go back to the barracks." Blowhole ordered, "I don't trust you."

"By the way, if you want a hint," Hans spoke as he left. Clearly he was going to have to spell it out for Blowhole, "you might consider using another scientist's invention you might remember using in connection with a certain event last year in which Kowalski inadvertently admitted to Skipper that you two were working together. The details of how you two got out of that, I don't know, but whatever method you used to get out of that would probably be helpful in this situation too." The door shut and almost immediately Blowhole was running after him towards the barracks.

"Kowalski!"


	8. Almost Revenge

Blowhole inspected the clear vial, holding it up to the light.

"Is this the real one or the distilled water?" Blowhole asked suspiciously, remembering clearly the trick Kowalski had attempted to play by switching the two not long ago. He was all too aware Kowalski had agreed to help just a little too quickly and Blowhole was equally wary of the fact he had fallen for Kazoo's ruse that if he didn't cooperate he and the team would be charged with espionage. In fact, he'd been so certain Kowalski would simply reply that if Blowhole exposed him he would expose Blowhole that Blowhole had confidently (and now embarrassingly) told Kazoo that was certain.

"Real." Kowalski replied.

"But K'walski," Private thought aloud, frowning in moral dilemma, "I thought you said the one with the label was the…?"

"Fine, the distilled water." Kowalski seemingly reluctantly relinquished the other sample of truth serum. Both vials, however, were water. Now that Kowalski's trick had seemingly been uncovered, Blowhole didn't look twice at the second sample.

"Thank you, Kowalski." Blowhole replied and started back into the room in which Marlene sat. He picked up a syringe from where it waited on his desk and made quite a show of preparing the drug.

"No need for that!" Marlene exclaimed almost immediately on sighting the vial. "You wanna know what I was doing here, right?" Blowhole paused, waiting for her to continued, "It's pretty obvious, isn't it?"

"I don't think so, why would you go to such risks to kill someone who is going to die in a few days anyway?" Blowhole replied. Kowalski nodded in agreement.

"Oh, he's gonna get off." Marlene rolled her eyes, "I swear he's got nine lives, I saw Kowalski shoot him four times and he's still causing trouble. He's locked in a cell, and somehow he's still managing to kill people!" It was clear to Blowhole she didn't know that 'Hans' was Skipper and 'Skipper' Hans.

"So you were going to kill him? To make sure he died?" Blowhole asked.

"I'm a pretty good shot, and he's still human, he can die." Marlene replied angrily, which puzzled Blowhole.

"But why go after him now?" Blowhole countered, "If you'd wanted to kill him for what he did to you and Skipper, you would have done it last year, you had plenty of better opportunities. As I've heard it, the last thing he did was in your favour: he was sending Private home unharmed..." Marlene scoffed bitterly at the mention of the word 'unharmed'.

"Unharmed? Is that what he's been telling everyone?" She interrupted sharply. Her eyes burned with what seemed to Blowhole genuine hatred, "Me and some of Nigel's people went through his hideout and we are very certain that Private was not 'unharmed'. Why would I risk my life breaking into this camp?" she scoffed, "He tortured a child. I was going to make sure there was no chance he could hurt anyone else again. That all you wanted to know?" Blowhole nodded slowly and then called for Private to be brought over.

"Private," He asked cautiously. He seemed half way to being convinced, "Skipper, when he spoke for you, said you were well treated. Is that true?" Private's eyes didn't leave the floor.

"Private?" Kowalski backed him up. The boy looked uncomfortably out the window. Private was still uncertain about the idea of lying, and when and if it could be justified.

"I… I don't know." Private finally replied shakily, "I don't remember." Blowhole asked again, trying for more details, but couldn't get Private to say more than that and look nervously out across the yard to the barracks where Hans was. Blowhole, as expected, took this as confirming Marlene's statement, more than if Private had said yes. Private, his conscience satisfied that he hadn't lied entirely (though he had obscured the truth), gave a mumbled excuse and disappeared.

"How did he think he could send the boy to Nigel like that?" Blowhole thought aloud. Then he seemed to realize the answer, "He took the money then never intended to send Private back. Private's information was more valuable than anything Nigel could offer. Still, why then put him on a plane to England? Did he think Nigel wouldn't realize?" Marlene made a move for the window, bringing the attention back to her.

"I said, that's all there is to know." She stated nervously, "You might as well let me escape, then you don't have to worry about me saying anything about last year." Marlene tried to make it as clear as possible she was hiding something.

"You were afraid of something you'd say, that's why you talked when I suggested truth serum." Blowhole concluded as planned. Marlene put up some resistance at first, then went through the motions of being drugged. They had one last doubt to settle before Kowalski was going to start a diversion and Kitka would get her out of the camp again. Unfortunately, there wasn't room for anyone more than Marlene in Kitka's trunk for Private or Mort to try to make it back to England. "Alright, why did Hans try to send Private back to England?"

"It wasn't Hans, it was one of our operatives." She replied drowsily. "He didn't like what Hans was doing to the kid and we gave him the plane." Blowhole was now perfectly satisfied with the story, and was practically about to give the order to have Skipper released, but cause this wouldn't be something easy to cover up (if he didn't want to incur his sisters' everlasting wrath), when Kazoo practically broke down the door.

"What?" Blowhole demanded angrily.

"Kitka, we just caught her trying to kill Hans." Kazoo panted, pointing back towards the barracks.

"Did she succeed?" Blowhole asked, "Is Skipper…?"

"No, the real one." Kazoo countered. Blowhole ran after him across the barracks to where Kitka was furiously fighting for the ability to take another shot at Hans, who was standing by the window, watching with vague amusement. Blowhole winced. This was awkward.

"Don't look at me like that!" Kitka protested, "You understand revenge, I have the right to it!" Kowalski, in hindsight, realized it was obvious Kitka would try to kill Hans for making her believe for several years that he'd murdered her fiancée, the famed air ace, and the Falcon that he'd killed her. Then he'd nearly killed both of them. Still, she was really the only one who could get Marlene into the camp who was close enough to complete the plan on time. Regardless, Kowalski thought he could still salvage the situation.

"And we found this in her pocket." Kazoo held out a small, partially decoded note. Or perhaps nod.

"This is the Resistance's new code?" Blowhole asked. Kitka just glared at him, so she might as well have said yes. What was decoded stated in no uncertain terms that Hans and Skipper had switched places and that if she wanted to kill Hans she could find him in barracks 3. "So it was all a set up." Blowhole concluded, putting the pieces together, "the Resistance knew Skipper isn't Hans, so everything Marlene said was just part of the plan." He turned to Kowalski, "The truth serum?"

"Water." He reluctantly admitted. He looked at Kitka. "You might as well let at least her go." Kowalski advised, "She was only in on this to try to kill Hans." Blowhole had to agree with her, and he couldn't blame her for trying to exact revenge. "Anyway, you really wanna start a fight with the Falcon?" That was an even more compelling argument, "She knows all about last year, too." Blowhole grimaced, thoroughly convinced.

"Get her out of here." He grumbled. Kitka brushed herself off, then rushed back to her car before Blowhole could change his mind, "Alright, let's see if we can get some real information out of Marlene." But when he went back to his quarters, all he saw was an empty chair and a discarded lock pick. By the time he set out the alarm, Marlene was long gone.

"Yes, I understand perfectly. Thank you doctor." The door shut extinguishing the rectangle of yellow light that extended into the night, leaving McSlade relatively alone.

* * *

><p>"McSlade!" Kowalski hissed, grabbing the man's attention. McSlade paused, searching for the source of the call, "McSlade! Over here!" McSlade glanced over his shoulder than walked over to Kowalski who was standing around the side of Blowhole's quarters.<p>

"Isn't this after your curfew?" McSlade questioned, "I should call for…"

"And you know what I'm going to say to that." Apparently McSlade didn't. "Call a guard, and I tell the real story about your hair."

"You wouldn't…" McSlade began. Kowalski still didn't understand why it was so important to the man that nobody found out he wore a hairpiece. He'd been told something like that McSlade believed his authority would be severely diminished if it became known that not every strand of his hair wasn't naturally his, or that it was some kind of good luck superstition. Either way, between that and some other photos Marlene had taken, Kowalski had arranged for a very neat cover up of the events last year.

"I don't have much time, so listen: the Hans you're going to court martial tomorrow isn't Hans. The real Hans – he's pretending to be Skipper – is going to try to make some kind of deal with you to keep quiet, and…" McSlade's expression told him everything.


	9. Red Squirrel

"Hans had gotten to him first." Kowalski concluded gloomily. He watched his leader's reaction guiltily, "I didn't have a chance. As far as McSlade's concerned, he's not going to acknowledge in any way that you're not Hans."

"What about what we had on him last year?" Skipper asked.

"Hans has worse." It wasn't surprising. For Hans blackmail seemed to be just another tool along with murder and treachery. "Great science, Skipper, I'm… Look…" Kowalski was unable to meet his eyes for a moment, "I guess I just realized, this is the end, isn't it? I mean, this might be the last time I see you – there's a 47.3907% chance I won't be able to see you before they…"

"I'm not ready to give up yet." Skipper countered firmly, though his outward confidence was mostly because he couldn't bear that what might be Kowalski's last memory of him would be of him giving up. But Kowalski was right, there really wasn't much hope.

"Skipper, I want you to know some things before the end. First of all," Kowalski looked uncomfortably down at his hands, "I was the one who convinced Julian that that pigeon was the last surviving dodo…!"

"Kowalski!" skipper exclaimed angrily. He remembered that incident and all the trouble it had caused very well.

"Let me finish, then you can get mad at me." Kowalski interrupted.

"There's more?!"

"Yes," Kowalski winced, "A lot more. You might as well take a seat." Skipper had no intention to do that, "Skipper, I want you to know I've always held you in the highest esteem both as a leader and a personal friend, but when your comic book collection was stolen, that was me…"

"It couldn't have been you," Skipper countered, "The night my comics were stolen you and me were on Operation Hornet. Not only was I watching you the entire time, but we weren't even in the same country as my comic books…"

"I used my mind control machine on Maurice." Kowalski elaborated, "Then after that I was the one who…"

"That's it!" Skipper suddenly interrupted. "The mind control machine!"

"But Skipper, I broke it years ago after the first time I used it. It never worked properly again after that." Kowalski countered.

"There's other ways, aren't there."

"Yes, but… Oh no, you're not going to try to mind control McSlade…" Kowalski began. Skipper grinned.

"Not even close."

* * *

><p>"Hans!" Doris called across the muddy ground. Hans glanced dismissively over his shoulder, barely noticing her, and continued walking towards Blowhole's quarters. But Doris was not discouraged and she caught up to him a few meters from the building. When Hans finally gave her more than a summery glance her expression was tense and her eyes gave a way the fact she was clearly very upset about something, "I need to talk to you, about some things Marlene said…"<p>

"I'm about to find out if we're going to South America or I'm staying here." Hans interrupted sounding slightly annoyed, "Can this wait?"

"Well…" She began, but Hans, his attention unable to focus on anything but Skipper, decided that this as a yes.

"Good, we'll talk later." He cut her off, and entered the building, leaving Doris alone outside.

"Where do you think you're going?" Blowhole asked, barring Hans' path barely a moment after he'd stepped in the door.

"To watch the trial." He replied and made an attempt to step around Blowhole. Blowhole shook his head and didn't let him past.

"No, you aren't." He stated.

"It's my court martial." Hans countered, slipping a small, rectangular package behind a box of files. Blowhole didn't notice. "I want to know what's going on."

"No, it's _Hans'_ court martial, not yours anymore, 'Skipper'." Blowhole countered. Clearly this was another case where Blowhole was only deliberately trying to make Hans' life as hard as possible for him, since there was little else he could do. "See, there's downsides to being a prisoner of war. Go on, get out of here." Hans shrugged, seemingly unconcerned, and turned back towards the door, "The last thing I need is you taunting Skipper and starting another fight." Blowhole grumbled as Hans left, noting that seemed surprisingly not annoyed as he walked back towards the barracks.

"Blowhole didn't catch you?" Kowalski asked the moment he walked in the door.

"I don't think he even tries anymore." Hans replied, switching on one of Kowalski's pair of homemade radios, the other was in Blowhole's office. A few adjustments, and Kowalski got a good strong signal. He moved towards the telescope, but Hans beat him to it. However, Kowalski made it very clear that he had more at stake in this so unless Hans wanted a lot of trouble, Kowalski was going to be the one who got to watch. However, he agreed to Private's request that he run a commentary of anything he saw that was worth noting.

"Alright, they're just getting started." Kowalski reported, peering through the telescope at Blowhole's office.

"And?" Private prompted, tinkering with the radio to see if he could get a clearer signal. Kowalski told him to leave it alone; there was nothing wrong with it, they just weren't really saying anything yet. Equally, Kowalski had little to report as the formalities droned on. The barracks (and two of the lobsters who'd snuck in to watch the show – they knew Skipper was up to something, and when Skipper was up to something it was usually entertaining) went silent as the facts of the case were quickly run through by a bored McSlade who had no idea what he was up against. In fact, after skimming through those, McSlade was about to give a verdict of guilty, when Skipper finally spoke up.

_"Haven't I got a right to defend myself?"_ Skipper's voice crackled over the radio.

_"Have you even got a defence?"_ Blowhole scoffed and there was a soft murmur of agreement.

_"Yeah I do."_ Skipper replied confidently. The murmur turned more uncomfortable as the possibility that they were not going to be out of there before lunch dawned on the room's occupants, _"Alright seeing as nobody here's going to admit I'm not Hans, I'm gonna skip the part where I say I'm innocent 'cause I'm not even the guy you're charging. By the way, what's he got on all of you? I know what he's got on McSlade and Blowhole – what about you, second from the right (my right), I'm guessin'…"_

"Keep to the script, Skipper." Kowalski grumbled.

_"You said you have a defence?"_ McSlade interrupted.

_"Alright,"_ making the people who were going to decide his fate needlessly uncomfortable Skipper realized possibly wasn't the best strategy,_ "here's my defence: Hans didn't betray anyone…"_

_"You put the English spy on a plane headed for England?"_ McSlade questioned, still stubbornly refusing to acknowledge in any way that Skipper wasn't Hans. _"Do you intend to deny that?"_

_"No."_ Skipper replied.

_"And you accepted £25,000 pounds from a highly ranked British agent to do this?"_

_"Yes, he did."_

_"And no serious attempt was made on your part to get information out of this spy?"_

_"Do you mean did he use any kind of torture? No, never laid a hand on the kid."_

"McSlade's looking pretty confused now." Kowalski reported from the telescope. "Forget the theatricals, Skipper, keep to the point."

"The 'theatrical' thingies are what are making this interesting." Julian replied to the nervous Kowalski, causing the scientist to glare at him. Contrary to Julian tone, Skipper had not placed himself in his current position for Julian's personal amusement.

_"So you accepted money to try to smuggle a British agent out of the country, almost succeeded in doing so, but are not a traitor?"_ McSlade summarized.

_"Yeah." _Skipper replied as if it were an obvious fact. _"Am I allowed to call a witness? He's just in barracks 3?"_

_"No." _ Blowhole replied, but McSlade thought differently.

"He wants to see if Skipper can dig himself in any deeper, so he's letting Skipper go ahead." Kowalski spoke, "Just as predicted. Private," He glanced up from the telescope. "You all ready?"

"Yes, I… I think so." Private replied nervously, "I'm not going to remember any of this, right?"

"No, you won't." Kowalski replied as the door opened and two lobsters appeared just as Kowalski switched the radio off, shoving it under his bunk, "I'll tell you what happened later." Private nodded shakily as he was taken away, and Kowalski uncovered the radio and resumed his place at the telescope.

_"…off the record…"_ Skipper continued as Kowalski turned the sound.

_"Were we ever on the record?"_ Blowhole asked.

_"Off the record, 'Pierre' here is your spy – and if any of you say anything about it, people are gonna ask awkward questions about how all of you just happened not to mention this before. He isn't much of a spy, all he really is, is just a kid who keeps ending up in all the wrong places at the wrong times, but he happens to be Nigel's nephew, so we normally find him a way out of those."_

"How's Private doing?" Maurice asked.

"Scared out of his wits." Kowalski replied. The boy was practically trembling.

_"He's actually not all that valuable. He's never been a key part of any secret plots – technically he isn't even part of British intelligence. But he's Nigel's nephew so in any average day he overhears a lot of important stuff, even if he doesn't remember it or think it's worth anything. Private?"_

_"Yes, Skippah?"_

_"Red Squirrel."_


	10. The Sleeper Agent

Kowalski wasn't entirely sure how he was going to describe the change Private's expression underwent when Skipper said that code word. It was fairly subtle, he didn't suddenly snap to attention or anything, but it was clear to anyone that something had changed. 'Private' seemed to be absent from the robot that stood before Skipper, motionless and expressionless as he awaited a command. Frankly, Kowalski hadn't expected it to be this eerie.

"It… Uh, it worked." Kowalski finally summarized for the group.

_"Could you explain what you just did?"_ McSlade asked after an uncomfortable silence.

_"Pierre."_ Blowhole called.

"Subject is not reacting, that's good." Kowalski observed.

_"Private?"_

"Still no response." Kowalski reported.

_"He can't hear you."_ Skipper spoke. The radio picked up a sharp sound as he snapped his fingers in front of Private's eyes. Kowalski didn't need to report that Private didn't blink, _"In fact, he'll only listen to me now since I said the code word."_

_"What is this?"_ McSlade demanded, _"Some kind of hypnosis?"_

_"Yeah, kinda. It was a little technical for me, but apparently Hans specializes in this kinda stuff. The kid's completely brainwashed."_

_"That's ridiculous." _Blowhole scoffed. _"You seriously don't think we're going to believe this science fiction story…"_

_"He's done it before."_ Skipper countered. _"You've heard 'Red Squirrel' before. Your London contact?"_

_"How did you know…?"_ Skipper wasn't going to answer that, _"He can do it."_ McSlade admitted. _"But Private could be faking."_

_"What do you want him to do?"_ Skipper asked. _"Say anything."_

_"But a subject under hypnosis can't do anything against his moral character."_ Blowhole countered,_ "And even telling a lie is against Private's, never mind spying on his own family. He's completely useless, Hans realized that, so he took the money and threw him back."_

_"Not whatever Hans used on him."_ Skipper countered, _"Believe me, like this he has no moral inhibitions."_

_"Kill Skipper!"_ Blowhole ordered, but Kowalski didn't report Private even moving from his position,_ "See, faking."_

_"No. Remember, he'll only listen to me."_ Skipper countered. _"But yes, say if I was to say 'Red Squirrel' then add, kill Dr Blowhole…"_

"It really looks like he's going to do it." Hans commented. "And I thought I was rusty."

"How can you see what's going on?" Kowalski countered.

"The window." Hans replied, "The telescope really only improves the image quality." Kowalski huffed, but soon enough the rest of the barracks were crowding around where Hans claimed he could see, jostling Kowalski out of the way of the telescope, which Hans quickly took up.

"Hey, we are not seeing de anything!" Julian protested angrily, realizing it had been a trick on Hans' part to get the telescope.

"Rico, get him away from the telescope." Kowalski ordered. He hated to use such crude methods, but in this case, might was going to make right. "Thank you." Kowalski picked up the telescope again, "Right, Private's fought his way through the lobsters… he's smashed one of the glasses on the table so he has a makeshift knife…" A gunshot made half the room jump.

"Is he…?" Hans asked cautiously, but seemingly indifferent to the outcome.

"No, Blowhole missed on purpose, he's just trying to scare him off." Kowalski countered.

_"Call him off, Skipper! Call him off!"_ Blowhole's voice shrieked over the radio.

"Private's raising the glass… Come on, Skipper, if it's Blowhole or Private, even if he likes the kid…"

_"Red Squirrel."_

"Private's stopped."

_"Belay the last order."_ There was the sound of shattering glass as Private dropped the glass and three footsteps indicated he'd returned to his original position, awaiting the next order.

_"Well," _McSlade spoke, noticeably shaken_, "now we know he secretly hates Blowhole and has the potential to kill when his inhibitions are lowered."_

_"He's not faking."_ Blowhole countered. _"He _is not_ faking."_

_"One last test."_ McSlade ordered_, "What are those lunicorn toys he plays with…?"_ Kowalski removed the barely passable copy he'd made of Private's beloved lunicorn doll from his lab workspace. Private would never forgive him if he'd given up the real thing. He handed it to the lobster when he arrived and continued watching._ "Skipper, tell him to take that apart piece by piece. And don't be neat."_

_"Sure. Private, Red Squirrel…"_

"He didn't even hesitate." Kowalski spoke, now truly disturbed by what he and Hans had done. He certainly hoped that Private would never remember any of this and that it was as reversible as he'd originally convinced himself it was. Kowalski winced as Private tore out one of the eyes.

"How come you were able to do it so fast?" Joey asked. "Doesn't turnin' people into zombies take a little longer than a few hours?"

"The subject was willing." Hans replied as if this were an unusual treat.

"Private's a good candidate as well." Kowalski added. "Very suggestible."

_"Done." _ Private reported. There was a soft thump as he dropped the remains of the lunicorn in front of Skipper, then waited for another command.

_"He really isn't faking."_ McSlade spoke.

_"Hans brainwashed the kid then was going to send him back to spy on Nigel." _ Skipper explained_, "It would have worked, too, nobody would have suspected it if the plane hadn't crashed."_

_"Amazing."_ McSlade admitted, _"Alright, release Hans and turn the kid over to him. Even if his methods are distasteful, they clearly get results…"_

_"That's not going to work."_ Skipper interrupted. It had been worth a try to see if they could get Private a ride home, but Kowalski had equally considered the possibility McSlade would turn him over to Hans instead of sending him straight to England. And Skipper didn't want Private to actually become a sleeper agent, _"Private, tell us your first assignment on reaching England."_

_"My first assignment after arriving was to…"_ Then Private paused.

"He's looking confused, looking like he's starting to break the control." Kowalski reported. "Signs of a headache…"

_"… I… I can't… I can't remember…"_ Private stuttered. He winced as he made another attempt to recall the non-existent orders. _"I can't…"_

_"It's okay Private."_ Skipper interrupted, releasing the boy from his pain. _"Dr Blowhole, did you report that Private suffered any kinda head trauma during the crash?"_

_"Yes, I thought it was just a mild concussion, but my specialty is physics, not medicine…"_

_"His memory was damaged."_ Skipper explained, _"He's useless to you. He won't be able to remember any long term commands, all he'll be able to do is follow direct orders, and Nigel's quickly going to start to wonder why he's acting strangely and blacking out all the time if you send him out there."_ This seemed to be a persuasive argument. _"Private, snap out of it!"_

_"Skippah, where am I…?"_

"He's fine." Kowalski reported, observing as the dazed Private tried to collect his bearings.

_"I'm... I'm terribly sorry, I don't know what just happened, I must have fallen asleep, I guess. Are you ready for me to testify?"_

"It worked perfectly." Hans commented, "Well, all we have to do is wait for McSlade to…"

"Remember what happened when you said that last time?" Kowalski interrupted. Kowalski considered himself a man of science, and usually laughed at superstitions and luck, but right now he didn't feel willing to take a chance.

"Actually, it was you who said that." Hans countered, "Anyway, what could possibly go wrong now?" Kowalski winced.

_"… Well, I guess I don't have much of a choice, then…" _McSlade's voice crackled over the radio. The whole barracks went silent as McSlade took his time delivering the verdict. _"As much as I've been looking forward to getting rid of both you and Hans, this new evidence is very compelling…"_

_"Y'mean it's too big to hush up. Anyway, Blue's been reporting on this whole thing minus the me not being Hans stuff."_ Skipper added when McSlade seemed to be having second thoughts._ "Come on, Private, I wanna get started with getting my life back…"_

* * *

><p>The moment the two of them were out of the building, Skipper pulled them aside into one of the guard towers' few blind spots.<p>

"It's wonderful to see you back, Skippah." Private greeted cheerily, "By the way, I managed to get your old jacket off Hans since you were complaining about being so cold in the cell…"

"Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to put up with being cold a little longer." Skipper's voice dropped to a whisper, "Run over to Kowalski and the team. Tell him to grab the team and Doris and as much of his lab as he can take with him, and meet me out here in two minutes or less. Go!" Private ran off across the camp, keeping out of sight as much as possible. In one minute and fifty seven seconds the team was assembled.

"Goo' ta see ya back, 'ir." Rico greeted.

"Nice to see you too." Skipper whispered. "Now listen to me, we're getting out of here." Kowalski rolled his eyes, "For real, this one's fool proof." Kowalski shrugged, as if to say it was worth a try as long as it had an acceptably low probability of getting them all killed. "Doris, walk next to me or hold my hand or however you walk with Hans." Skipper pulled his enemy's hat lower on his face as Doris latched on to his arm in a somewhat Victorian manor. "The three of you stay in sight of me – look disappointed or something like I'm takin' you somewhere you don't wanna go but you don't have much choice about. Actually, Private, do that brainwashed thing again."

"That what?"

"Sorry Private. Private, Red Squirrel." Private's expression went blank in that eerie way it had before. "Alright, let's get going – Kowalski, Rico, walk closer to me, try and keep anyone from getting too good a look at me." Skipper and the team started walking out from behind Blowhole's quarters, "Kowalski, what's better, gate or motor pool."

"Motorized transport would be less suspicious and get us to our destination considerably faster, sir." Kowalski reported.

"Let's go there, then." Skipper ordered, slightly altering their course. Nobody looked twice at them.


	11. The Fire

"Oh 's you." The lobster 'guarding' the motor pool commented, walking over from where he was leant lazily against the wall. "I'm guessing you want to reclaim your car. Sign these." He moved a clipboard with a few forms in Skipper's general direction, walking off towards the cars. "I heard about your trial." He scoffed, clearly displeased that events had turned out in Hans' favor.

"Hans would never stand for that." Doris whispered.

"What would he do?" Skipper whispered back.

"Probably kill him." Kowalski replied.

"No!" Doris protested, "At least, I don't think. I've only ever heard him threaten around me."

"Were those threats followed by a gunshot the moment you'd gone on ahead?" Kowalski asked, and then noticed he'd upset Doris, "Sorry."

"I'm still your superior," Skipper called sharply after the lobster, "regardless of what you think of the outcome of my trial." The lobster turned around, wincing, as if having realized the moment he'd made the comment it wasn't the smartest course of action, but was hoping he'd get away with it. "In fact, I should…"

"He's more personal than that." Doris corrected. "He'd have probably fired a warning shot at him by now."

"Yeah, well, I don't need the attention that would bring." Skipper countered. He moved for the empty holster as if it wasn't empty, then glanced at his watch (at least he'd been able to keep that following the uniform swap), "'S your lucky day, I'm in a hurry." Skipper spoke just as the lobster was starting to wonder if Hans had suddenly become soft or wasn't Hans, "Where's the car?" The lobster pointed it out, Skipper took the keys and they started to drive towards the front gates.

"Do you think this is right?" Doris asked after they'd been driving about a moment, "Just running off like this…"

"'S called escapin'. 'S our duty." Rico replied.

"No I mean, now I know he really does love me – I mean, what Marlene said about you being left to bleed out and all that just couldn't have been real…" She laughed nervously, as if she were trying to convince herself of it, "I mean…"

"It was real." Skipper interrupted, and there was something about his tone that made Doris fall silent immediately.

"Drive on, then." She whispered when she finally found her voice.

"I never asked for your permission." Skipper replied. Doris didn't speak again after that, just sitting there with a curious kind of expression.

As Skipper began to approach the gates, the lobsters on duty immediately moved to open them, glad to have Hans out of their camp. Skipper could practically taste freedom.

Then the gates shut again.

"Hey, somebody open those gates!" Skipper yelled, then noticed a familiar figure who was walking up to the car. He paused a few feet from the driver's side door, clearly gloating.

"And where do you think you're going?" Hans asked.

* * *

><p>Private lay awake in his bunk. Though everyone else had been celebrating Skipper's release, Private still couldn't shake the fact that there was a decent portion of his life that he couldn't accurately recall, and that during that time he hadn't simply been unconscious or semi-conscious, but apparently quite active, and acting completely against his will. The uneasy feeling that he might not have liked some of the stuff he'd done after Skipper had said the words 'Red Squirrel' first began when Julian and Maurice had jokingly convinced him that he'd given away everyone's most guarded secrets to Hans whilst under the influence of whatever he'd been under. He'd asked Kowalski if that was possible, for him to have done something he'd ordinarily disagree with, but the answer he'd gotten in reply was a bit too technical for him. Skipper had said nothing had happened, he'd just answered a few questions, but Private had removed a fragment of glass from a shallow cut in his hand and had noticed a broken glass as he'd left. To have cut his hand he must have done more than simply knock the glass over.<p>

"…You know, I just can't understand you!" Private heard Doris' voice speak faintly. Her voice was raised, but she was a decent distance away so Private could only barely make her out. He glanced at the watch Kowalski had built him during a day of boredom. It was the middle of the night. "I don't think I really even know you…"

"I don't think that's entirely true." Hans countered. "Look, Doris…"

"Why am I even asking you for the truth? You're probably just going to tell me another lie." She interrupted. Private slipped down from his bunk and walked over to the window that best overlooked the argument occurring out in the yard, "What you did to that kid…"

"I _never_ hurt him, Doris." Hans cut her off angrily.

"Oh, so sweet little Private tried to kill my brother for the fun of it?!" Nothing had happened? Private was going to ask Skipper about that one.

"Private asked me to do that, it was the only way to free Skipper – to get our life back…"

"Our life? You do realize I've been seeing Kowalski this whole time?" The conversation went silent, "I'm sorry, that was… See, you're doing it again! You've never cared about that, but you were just trying to make me feel…! Ever consider that maybe I don't like being manipulated? You know, Marlene told me all about you, what you did to Skipper to get information out of her. I… I can't even imagine something like that. Then you frame Skipper, then kill two prisoners…"

"It was me or him, Doris, and I told you, I didn't kill Ted. I still have no idea who did. Starting tomorrow, we're going to South America, all of that's going to be behind us… Doris, I don't want to talk about this out here." Doris still didn't seem convinced, though all Private could see were dark silhouettes occasionally revealed by the light cast by the guard towers. "Did you want them to shoot me?"

"Actually, I wish they had now!" Doris snapped, "But even that would have been nothing to make up for the things you've done and dragged me into…"

The conversation drifted out of Private's hearing; possibly they'd gone into a building. Private climbed back into his bunk, feeling slightly ashamed at listening in on a personal conversation. He satisfied himself enough to go back to sleep by admitting it was very difficult not to overhear. But then he'd had to press his ear to the glass to hear most of it… By the time he'd gotten that far in his internal debate, the exhausted Private had fallen fast asleep.

* * *

><p>Later that night Private woke to the sounds of shouting and a crackling, roaring sound like a gigantic bonfire. He jumped out of bed and stumbled outside, noticing that the room was illuminated bright red and orange almost as if it were day. He opened the door and stepped barefoot into the mud to be confronted with the heat from the blazing building before him.<p>

Everyone else already seemed to be gathered outside, and those who weren't were stumbling dazed into the night like him were staring at the flames. Private had never seen a fire so big or so bright or so terrifying. For a moment he stood mesmerized by the horrible flames that flickered inside the structure and were eating their way through one of the walls. And that was when he saw it.

"K'walski!" He screamed, "There's someone in there!" Private pointed at the dark silhouette just visible through the cracking window of the storage building. Private stumbled forward towards the building, but Kowalski quickly ran forward to drag him back. But at that point they were close enough to hear the screaming.

"He's still alive in there!" Blowhole exclaimed. The voice was barely audible over the noise of the crowd, but Private could make out it screaming for help.

"Hey, that sounds like Julian!" Maurice exclaimed. The barracks intelligence officer raced towards the burning building. He kicked down the door, weakened by the flames, and was about to run in when the building creaked and Maurice was barely able to stumble out of harm's way as the building collapsed. There was nothing left to do but prevent the fire from spreading.

"That was being very brave of you." Julian complemented behind him, being somewhat serious for one of the few times in his life.

"King Julian!" Maurice exclaimed in joy.

"It's a terrible tragedy that one of the Red Ones decided to light a cigarette in a magazine." Blowhole spoke gravely, watching the wooden structure being consumed, "I wonder if I'd called that meeting about safety regulations being there for good reasons earlier if he might still be alive."

"That hut wasn't storing ammunition." Kowalski frowned. Something didn't seem right about the fire. He'd woken up almost the moment it had started. He remembered after that the flames had spread faster than he could even think to do much about them, "That fire burned too fast for damp wood and a few crates, it was like there was some kind of accelerant." He thought aloud. There was only one conclusion he could come to from this, "This was arson. And murder," Kowalski added, "because whoever set that fire purposely left whoever was in there to be burned alive."

"All guards present and accounted for, doc!" Kazoo reported breathlessly, running up to his superior. "Do we know who was in there yet?"

"Skipper, anyone missing?" Kowalski called.

"One second," Skipper answered, "Joey, you here?!"

"I'm here." The Australian replied.

"Mason?!"

"Here!"

"My ones are all here." Skipper shouted back, "Doris?"

"Everyone's here!" She replied.

"Well maybe it was just Private's imagination, maybe there was no one inside?" Ms Blue suggested. Kowalski shook his head. He knew what he'd seen and heard, "Anyone seen Hans? I think he'd be interested in this."


	12. Investigation

Hans was definitely missing, they'd looked everywhere. At first Kowalski had assumed that Hans had set the fire, and Skipper had miscounted either the prisoners or lobsters. However in a second count they found nobody else was missing, so Doris had tearfully concluded that it had been Hans in there. When the ashes had cooled enough to do a proper investigation, they had found some skeletal remains, but they couldn't tell much from them. Finally, Kowalski had confirmed the fact that Hans had been the one in the building after finding the remains of Hans' gun and some of the metal parts of a uniform that didn't belong to anyone else in the camp.

"Were you storing any gasoline or any other kinds of fuel in there?" Kowalski asked seriously, looking down at the ashes.

"No, I wasn't," Blowhole replied. "Actually, that building was empty aside from some equipment I confiscated from Skipper – tunnel supports, makeshift shovels, a radio. Why, what did you find?"

"Well, first of all, the floor and walls were clearly drenched in gasoline before the fire was lit," Kowalski reported. "I was right about it burning too fast." He beckoned to Blowhole and the team to follow him. The team had grudgingly been asked to take a look at the scene, since Skipper was known for having some pretty good hunches, Private was the nephew of a master spy, Rico had been an NYPD officer before the war and Kowalski's knowledge of chemistry made him a good arson investigator. Kowalski pointed to a collection of metal objects near what had been the centre of the building, where they'd found the remains.

"Wonderful you've found more personal effects to identify him some more with." Blowhole commented sarcastically. Kowalski removed the irrelevant objects, leaving behind the item he wanted to draw their attentions to. "Anyway, Kazoo might have been storing flammable substances in there, between the court martial and Skipper's sudden increase in escape attempts, he's really been running things. It still could have been an accident." He added hopefully.

"I highly doubt it." Kowalski replied, "Firstly, if fuel was being stored in here, there would have been evidence of its containers, and secondly, I found this." He pointed at the piece of metal, but Blowhole seemed to see nothing more than some pieces of twisted metal half buried in ashes, "By the way, the radio wasn't a radio, it was my tape recorder."

"So where's the radio…?" Kowalski seriously regretted bringing that topic up. "Don't think I'm going to forget, there's going to be a surprise inspection…" Kowalski made a mental note to clear out the barracks while Blowhole cursed himself for making the surprise inspection not a surprise. Maurice immediately set off to move the radio.

"Anyway," Kowalski pointed to a larger piece of twisted and blackened metal partially twisted around around half of a charred wooden beam. Kowalski moved the wood aside, and pointed to the distinctive metal object, "I found this."

"Looks like handcuffs or something." Skipper spoke, frowning. "So someone chained him inside. Sorry, Blowhole, but that's not an accident."

"'oo's a' they?" Rico asked, hoping someone wasn't about to reply that the distorted metal had once belonged to him.

"No way to identify them," Kowalski replied, "But the fact that he was chained down…"

"So you came to that conclusion too." McSlade spoke. Kowalski hadn't noticed he was there. "Whoever killed him wanted him conscious the whole time – why chain him down if they thought he was dead or unconscious? Then everything but the centre of the room was set up to burn first, according to Private he was amazingly alive and conscious till the roof collapsed." Private grimaced.

"That is pretty horrible, even for someone like him." Private spoke quietly, "I suppose that tells us our killer is a very disturbed individual, who apparently knew what he was doing."

"Do you think it could be suicide?" Blowhole asked hopefully. Suicides, while more paperwork than accidents, were still less than murder, "A sudden attack of guilt?" It was fairly unanimous that that was a very unlikely theory.

"I think what it tells us is that the person who did this had a very strong revenge motive, probably connected with Skipper and the events last year. That would explain the timing: Hans was just about to walk free, and the killer probably couldn't stand that." McSlade continued. He looked directly at Skipper, "Considering the fact Marlene was seen by at least twenty witnesses preforming with the cabaret in town, that person is you."

"Hey, wait a minute!" Skipper protested as two lobsters began to move towards him, "I've got an alibi! Blowhole, tell him!" Unsurprisingly, Blowhole didn't seem inclined to provide any alibis for his nemesis, "My alibi is your alibi, and you've got plenty of motive too."

"Skipper tried another one of his ridiculous escape attempts last night, barely hours after he tried to sneak out as Hans." Blowhole finally reported grudgingly, after realising Skipper was right about the alibi, "Between when one of the Red Ones tripped over a partially collapsed escape tunnel and found Skipper and when we saw the fire, I was interrogating Skipper. I wanted to know if there were any other tunnels and where he'd gotten a shovel from this time."

"So who here hated Hans enough to kill him?" McSlade asked.

"I think it might be faster to ask who didn't." Skipper replied. "I can only think of three we can rule out: I think we can all agree Private wouldn't be capable of something like this, same as Doris since she's still in denial about what happened last year, and Blue since a reliable source told me she liked Hans. Romantically, apparently."

"Unless she'd found out he'd only been using her to get a stay of execution." Kowalski countered, but then added that while he'd look in to that, there seemed to be no evidence of it. "What about you, McSlade?"

"Well!" McSlade huffed, then realized that being indignant wasn't going to get him off the suspect list, "Yes, I hated him, but I was on a call at the time. They'll confirm I wasn't killing anyone."

"Grea'." Rico grumbled, "Ah guess we fin' out 'oo go' alibis an' star' from 'ere."

* * *

><p>"Skippah, I really need to talk to you." Private spoke the moment he and Skipper were reasonably alone. "Now, if it's convenient." He added politely, though it was clear something was eating at him.<p>

"If you're beating yourself up about the fire, it isn't our problem." Skipper spoke without looking up from where he was reorganizing his personal effects which Hans had irritatingly rearranged, "None of us did it – my men would never do something like that, even if Hans deserved everything he got. Y'know, I still find it hard to believe someone finally got him." Private considered pointing out that Skipper ought to remember that an eye for an eye is not justification for violence, but that was a pointless debate with Skipper. Private made a mental note to bring that up later.

"Skippah, I think I was the last one to see Hans alive." Private spoke. Skipper looked up.

"Well why didn't you say that earlier?!" Skipper exclaimed, "When did you see him? What was he doing? Was there anyone else with him?" Skipper demanded, before he noticed Private was looking at him strangely.

"But I thought you said this isn't our problem?" the youngest member of the team asked.

"I think I said it _didn't have to _be our problem." He hadn't, but Private assumed that must have been what Skipper had meant, "Sure, I might have hated the guy, but I am not going to have the character of my men in question while this investigation is going on, if there's something I can do about it."

"It was about midnight." Private replied, "And he wasn't alone. He was talking to Doris." Private added.

"Great," Skipper started towards the door, "let's find out from her where he went after…"

"Skippah, they were arguing." Private interrupted before Skipper could go anywhere, "It was a very heated argument." He added.

"'S about time she stood up to him." Skipper shrugged.

"She…" Private winced, "She said she wished they'd shot him, she wished he was dead, and that even then that wouldn't be enough to pay for the things he'd done." Private heard the sound of shattering glass and turned around to see Kowalski stood in the doorway, a shattered beaker at his feet.

"I'd say you're lying if the probability of you ever telling an outright lie was less than 0.001243%." Kowalski choked when he finally found his voice.

"It couldn't be Doris!" Blowhole protested, poking his head in through the window through which he had clearly been listening the entire time.

"You heard what the kid said." McSlade countered from the same position on the opposite side of the building. Private winced, glancing from one to the next of the three parties he specifically hadn't wanted to hear that.

"You couldn't possibly have picked a worse time to say that?" Skipper scolded.

"Sorry Skippah." Private winced, "I didn't realize they were all listening." Skipper rolled his eyes. "Sorry."


	13. Suspect

"Admit it. You killed him." McSlade demanded. Doris seemed to shrink even smaller into the chair, her eyes rising above level with the table only occasionally and for a fraction of a second before they snapped back to the table. "We've got a witness: you and Hans had a fight in which you said you wished he was dead, then an hour later he's dead."

"I never said that!" Doris protested, "And I have never argued with Hans." She grimaced, "I was always too scared to." She added in a quieter voice.

"So you knew what he was doing?"

"I never knew anything about what he did." Doris countered softly, "But I didn't need to know what he'd done to know what he was capable of…"

"I think you knew." McSlade interrupted, "You knew but you wouldn't admit it to yourself. Then Marlene and Skipper confirm what you didn't want to know and the guilt makes you snap. You asked Hans for the truth and he lies to you or maybe you got the truth but you didn't like the way he said it. He never took you seriously, probably laughed or something when you expressed your feelings about it, and that put you over the edge. You knocked him out, chained him to something in the store room, covered the place with gasoline then lit a match."

"So it's temporary insanity or whatever they call it." Blowhole cut in.

"So you think I did it too?" Doris accused.

"It's understandable that for a brief moment after such psychological hardship she wasn't responsible for her actions." Blowhole continued. "Science knows, he drove me to almost that point enough times." He grumbled, "Not to speak ill of the dead."

"Wrong." McSlade countered, "She would have had to have already gotten the gasoline on some other excuse earlier that day since the store room's locked at night, so it was premeditated. Then, after she'd set the whole room up to burn, she waited for him to regain consciousness. Then she set the fire." Blowhole went silent. All eyes were on Doris.

"I didn't do it." She spoke, "I never argued with him, I never even knew about what you said we were arguing about, and I didn't kill him."

"I didn't do it." Doris spoke the moment she heard the door open.

"I know." Kowalski replied, shutting the door behind him. "I've got about fifteen minutes till Maurice's distraction is over. What happened?" Doris just shook her head and seemed to recede into herself even more. "Doris, I'm going to get you out of here one way or another, because I know you didn't kill anyone." Doris finally looked up at him, studying his expression slowly before finally nodding.

"You really do believe me." She smiled faintly.

"What, you thought I wouldn't?" Kowalski replied, "What happened? You were the last person to see Hans alive after Private, there's a high probability you know something that will help me find the real killer, or at least prove it wasn't you." Doris still seemed reluctant, and Kowalski glanced at his watch, "Maurice said he'd collapse one of the old tunnels and make sure McSlade and Blowhole saw it. It normally takes your brother about fifteen minutes before he realizes he's going to have to do the paperwork eventually, so we haven't got much time."

"I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of the fire and everyone shouting." Doris answered dully, repeating what she'd told McSlade and her brother, "The last time I saw Hans was just after you and Skipper were sent back to the barracks, he gave me a forged passport and told me to pack for a warm climate. I tried to tell him I didn't want to go, but he said he'd discuss it later and left. It was getting late and he still hadn't come back, so I went to sleep."

"Private knows what he saw." Kowalski countered, "And Skipper told you this afternoon that everything Marlene said was true. I don't blame you if you argued with him, I think you should have had that argument last year."

"I didn't believe Skipper when he said…" Doris' voice trailed off as she finally met Kowalski's pained eyes.

"Please don't lie to me, Doris." Doris grimaced.

"The first part was true." She finally spoke, "I only found out about the fire when I heard the shouting. After you were caught Hans gave me the passport and told me to pack, then went somewhere, probably to get his new documents. But he came back at around twelve – I remember, I noticed he'd been gone a few hours. Blue helped me pack and then unpack, and finally she said we were just wasting time and I should stop delaying things and confront the problem, so I was going to talk to you. But I ran into Hans half way there and he wouldn't let me talk to you. Then I guess I'd finally had enough." Doris held Kowalski's hand a little tighter, "The argument went just like Private overheard, I said some angry things I wish I could take back now – but he was just so casual about all of it: like the things I'd found out, me… all of it, were just mild concerns. I stormed off then and went to talk to my brother. But he was busy. I was tired, so I went to bed hoping I'd be able to think of something when I had a clearer head in the morning. You believe me, right?"

"I've already answered that." Kowalski replied, "Now, firstly, I'm going to find out who Hans went to meet after he spoke to you the first time and then…"

Kowalski was interrupted as the door opened and he was left speechless as McSlade, Blowhole, and finally Maurice, entered.

"That," McSlade spoke, "was practically a confession." Blowhole tried to protest, but couldn't think of anything to say, and just looked at his sister with a mixture of disappointment and helpless apology.

"Maurice?" Kowalski demanded angrily. It was clear from the barracks intelligence officer's expression that his promise of a distraction had been entirely fictitious. "You… Them…?!"

"She's a killer, Kowalski, it doesn't matter what side any of us are on." Maurice spoke firmly, "If she was capable of something like this… It might have been you next if you said the wrong thing."

"She didn't kill Hans, she said that too!" Kowalski was grasping at straws. But something that had been nagging at the back of his mind all day, something from the fire… It was something he'd seen, something near where he'd found the body and the handcuffs. Kowalski's mind worked furiously, searching for that one detail until he found it: "Eureka! That burnt piece of wood." Kowalski spoke, "It was one of the rafters…" At this point Blowhole and McSlade were staring at him as if he'd completely lost his senses. "Don't you get it? Doris couldn't have done it! Did someone take a picture of where we found the remains?"

"No, but it's still right out there." Blowhole countered. Kowalski was running out the door before Blowhole had barely finished the sentence, Blowhole and McSlade struggling to catch up with him.

"See that piece of wood, I untangled it from the handcuffs to show you them." Kowalski spoke. Blowhole nodded in agreement. "The handcuffs were looped around them like this." Kowalski rearranged the scene, putting the objects back in their original positions, "You weren't storing timber in there, the walls were completely consumed, but parts of the roof survived, so this was probably one of the rafters." Blowhole and McSlade looked at him quizzically, "Don't you get it? Hans was chained to the ceiling! So maybe Doris could have lured him in there, but she wasn't armed – or even if she was Hans wouldn't take her seriously – so unless she's strong enough to lift an unconscious Hans and chain him to one of the rafters, that means she couldn't have done it!"

"No," McSlade countered. "All that means is that she had an accomplice."

* * *

><p>"At least McSlade didn't think the accomplice was you." Skipper spoke, "I have to agree with him: sure, you sound like a good suspect because you've already tried to kill Hans twice, but both times you failed because you didn't have the guts, so if you couldn't shoot him when you were seriously provoked, you probably couldn't burn him alive."<p>

"Doris didn't kill Hans." Kowalski countered, "There's no 'accomplice', only one killer who was strong enough to chain Hans to the ceiling."

"Why tha'?" Rico asked, "'Ee jus' showin' o' hi' stren'th?"

"It was an empty store room, Rico." Kowalski explained, "There was nothing else. Sure, they could just lock the door, but he'd jump out the window." Rico shrugged, seeing the logic.

"Guys!" Maurice yelled from the window, motioning for them to get over there fast. A new prisoner was being led into Blowhole's office, "Hey, Kowalski, that radio still work?" Kowalski turned the device on and after it had warmed up the familiar voice of one of the lobsters crackled over the wireless.

_"Doc, prisoner 110849 has been processed!"_

_"Has he been searched?"_ Blowhole's voice replied cautiously. _"Never mind, just search him again."_

_"But he's been searched doc?"_

_"Believe me, this one can get a lot of things past a search."_

_"Get your hands offa me!" _An unfamiliar voice, American, yelled angrily and there were sounds of a scuffle.

_"Uh, doc, it seems like we missed a couple of things… No idea how they got past the first search…"_

_"Bring him in." _There was the sound of a door opening and shutting.

_"Well, well, well, I never thought I'd see you again, _Skipper_…"_


	14. The Other Skipper

"What in…?" Skipper began in sheer disbelief, but Kowalski shushed him, instead listening intently to the radio. It then occurred to him to turn the volume up.

_"So, I heard you started flying again_." The voice spoke with more than a note of mocking_, "Crashed, right? You really have gotten rusty."_

_"No thanks to you." _Blowhole growled in a tone usually reserved for Skipper._ "Don't think I've forgotten how I lost my eye and who I've got to thank for it."_

_"Glad to be of service." _The other voice replied cheerily.

_"Have you got a death wish, pen-gu-in?"_

_"Nah, I just know you're not gonna kill_ me." the other voice chuckled, "_Paperwork and stuff. And your sister, so I'm told."_ Whoever he was, he had good information on things not many people outside camp were aware of, _"Y'know, I'm gonna enjoy this, standin' here right in your own camp without a thing you can do about it…."_

_"So no escape attempts?" _Blowhole asked cautiously.

_"Why? You losin' a lot of prisoners?"_

"The guy's completely crazy." Maurice spoke, shaking his head disbelievingly, "And I've only ever said that one other time in my life, when Skipper arrived."

_"Don't push your luck…"_

_"Hey Doc!"_ Blowhole was cut off by Kazoo's voice_, "The other ones are here."_

* * *

><p>The team raced out of the barracks as the new prisoner stepped out. Immediately he spotted them, seemed to recognize at least one of them and started in their direction.<p>

"You recognize him, Kowalski?" Skipper asked. He didn't recognise the newcomer.

"No, sir." Kowalski replied. Nobody else seemed to know him either, "He appears to be an American airman, between eighteen and twenty five years of age, 0.234 give or take a thousandth of a centimetre off average male height, black hair, blue eyes…"

"I can see that much, Kowalski, tell me something I don't know." Skipper cut him off. Apparently Kowalski didn't know anything Skipper likely didn't already know, since he didn't say anything else.

The newcomer jogged up to the group and stood smartly before Skipper as if he expected Skipper to know him. It was now obvious now that Skipper was the one he'd recognized, but it was equally clear Skipper still either couldn't remember him or had been mistaken for someone else.

"It's great to see you again, Skipper." He grinned. Skipper returned the cheerful salute with a slightly mystified expression, "Don't you recognise me, sir?" the newcomer looked more than a little disappointed, possibly even hurt by Skipper's blank expression, "Sure, maybe I was a little optimistic to expect you to be over the moon to see me, but, well…" Then he paused, and his expression fell further, "You really don't remember me at all?"

"Who are you?" Skipper demanded, which effectively answered the question.

"Gosh, they said you might not remember – they said you might not remember a lot of things that happened before Denmark… I guess I just never thought I'd be one of them." He spoke. He stood almost as if standing to attention, but that pained expression was still there, "Captain Blake Grant, Penguin division, sir." He introduced himself formally. Slowly, a faint hint of recognition crossed Skipper's face as he heard the name.

"At ease, Pri… Captain." Skipper spoke, his expression unreadable.

"Yes sir." Skipper continued to study the younger man.

"Who is he?" Kowalski asked.

"He was my protégé." Skipper replied. Grant's expression flinched slightly, "Nigel ordered me to train someone in case something ever happened to me."

"But I'm guessin' something happened between you two." Maurice deduced, "Judgin' by the way you two look at each other." Skipper nodded.

"He was too impulsive, reckless." Skipper explained. He glanced at Grant, "Never obeyed orders."

"Sound familiar?" Kowalski muttered. Skipper didn't seem to pick up on this. He resumed studying his once-protégé suspiciously, as if trying to determine if these traits were still present. Skipper shook his head.

"No matter what I taught you, you always seemed determined to find a riskier way to do it." Skipper accused, "I figured Nigel was just wasting my life – I figured it was only a matter of time before you got yourself killed."

"I like to think I've changed, sir." Grant replied hopefully, "Still, we completed some pretty good operations together, sir. And Blowhole still doesn't know which one of us shot his eye out." Skipper nodded reluctantly. He gave Grant one last suspicious look before he seemed to come to the decision to bury the hatchet.

"So, I can see you've 'graduated'." Skipper finally spoke. "Captain already, now?" Grant nodded.

"Yes sir. I had a good teacher…"

"Skipper!" One of the two other prisoners who'd been brought in with Grant called breathlessly, moving towards the group, and he didn't appear to be referring to Skipper. "Blowhole let you go within ten minutes?"

"You guessed right again, Kowalski." Grant sighed.

"Guess, sir." 'Kowalski' scoffed, "That was not guesswork, sir, that was a combination of good intelligence, excellent deductive work and…"

"Who are you?" Skipper demanded, but he had a feeling he already knew. The kid was calling himself Skipper? The olive branch he'd previously begun to extend was now gone.

"This is my team," He spoke proudly, "This is Lieutenant Peter Kowalski, and Sergeant Alexander Enrico, we just call him Rico." Then he noticed Skipper wasn't smiling, "I know what you're thinking, but I didn't want to do it, sir." Skipper's student added quickly, "Nigel heard rumours were going around that Skipper had been captured, and of course if they find you, they find Kowalski and a lot of classified technology ends up in the hands of the enemy. Nigel couldn't have the fact you've been here the past year discovered so he sent us over here to keep the legend of Skipper alive." Skipper just nodded stonily.

"I don't suppose there's one of me, too?" Private asked excitedly, "Goodness, I haven't seen Timmy in ages!" Skipper's opinion of Grant seemed to sink even further.

"You didn't…"

"I've got no idea who he's talking about." Grant replied blankly.

"My cousin." Private added unnecessarily.

"It's just the three of us." Grant confirmed. Skipper seemed to relax significantly.

"Kowalski, is it?" Kowalski sniffed. "What's your real name?"

"Just that, sir." The other Kowalski replied, eying the other as if he might try to steal his data, "Considering the fact it's the second most common surname in Poland, it's not entirely impossible for us to share a surname." He countered. "I've heard about your work. And your laboratory practices. Especially Dale…"

"Are you trying to blackmail me?" The other Kowalski countered suspiciously, "Because that's common knowledge, and the fire was an accident."

"Not at all. Just giving my opinion on what I've read of your questionable methodology and laboratory practices."

"Oh, and may I ask about your reputation, since I've never heard of you?" Kowalski replied sharply to the counterpart he feared Skipper would see as Kowalski 2.0. They weren't getting off to a good start, the two watching each other like hawks, occasionally glancing at their respective Skippers, "And just who was your alma mater, since I anticipate you were about to insult mine?"

"If you were in the field of applied chemistry you probably would have heard of me." The newcomer replied in a similar tone, hoping his Skipper wasn't concerned by the other Kowalski's seniority and greater media presence, "and by the way, I'm flattered you're pre-preparing degrading remarks for the top twenty chemistry faculties, but I highly doubt you anticipated that I'm about to tell you I'm self-taught." Both Kowalskis gave each other scathing looks.

"You do realize that when you boil it down that chemistry is just a lesser subcategory of physics…"

"Perhaps only to those of us who feel the need to put the other sciences down to sooth their own ego…" The scientists' voices were becoming more and more raised.

"Was it just me, or in that last sentence did you get your numbers confused? 'Those of us' is plural and 'ego' is singular…"

"Grammar? Really…?"

"Ugh, 'Walski." The newly arrived Rico groaned. "a' now 'ere two a them."

"'ell me 'bout it." Rico groaned, glancing dismissively at the two scientists who were gripping their clipboards like they were about to start an all-out clipboard fight, "We stop 'em?"

"Nah, no much poin', they ain' near 'ny chem'cals." Both Ricos seemed to agree on this, "'Ey, wha' thi' I 'ere 'bout 'Ipper's Fourth 'a July in Se'tember?" The other Rico grinned as the two started in the direction of the barracks.

"'tween tha' 'n Julian, you ain' see' nothin' 'et, 'iddo."


	15. Midnight

"Alright, boys." Skipper spoke with that wild glimmer in his eyes which could only mean one thing, "We're getting out of here. Tonight."

"And I just discovered conservation of mass was all a fairy tale." Kowalski scoffed. He sighed and relaxed back on his bunk, "Alright, let's hear this one and I'll tell you what the probability of us getting ourselves killed is."

"_This one_ is gonna work, Kowalski." Skipper countered. Rico muttered something about how many times he'd heard that before. Even Private looked doubtful, "Alright, here's the plan: y'know the tunnel we built a couple of weeks ago?"

"'eah, i' collapse on last ha' way through." Rico replied. "'ake us weeks ta' ge' i' workin'." He added.

"Do you think it would be faster if we teamed up with Grant and his team?" Private asked, "Princess Self-Respectra says that cooperation and team work…"

"Like I said, the kid's reckless and he disobeys orders." Skipper cut the boy off, "All he'll do is get us and his little gang of teenagers killed. Anyway," Skipper continued where he'd left off, "do you remember that tunnel they built from barracks four?"

"Yes, but Blowhole knows there's a tunnel in barracks four. However, everyone in four's afraid to use it without you, so he's got an extra guard posted to make sure we don't go between the two." Kowalski replied.

"Kowalski, do you know how close the tunnel from four and the not caved in part of our tunnel are?" Skipper asked, "I can knock a hole through one into the next with my fist – I did, actually. So the plan's simple: we take our tunnel, go through into the tunnel from four then head out to the fence."

"And if Blowhole somehow blocks off the fence and we don't want to get caught on the wrong side of the wire, we can go back into three, and if he blocks off three, we can go back through the tunnel into four." Kowalski concluded. "That considerably improves our chances. So what time do we act?"

"Midnight."

At this point Blowhole left the loose board he'd been listening to the conversation through, glanced around to make sure nobody was watching, then ran back to where one of the lobsters was waiting.

"Skipper's planning an escape." Blowhole spoke, "I want every available man on duty just outside the fence on the south side or in barracks three or four at midnight tonight."

* * *

><p>"The plan's simple…" Captain 'Skipper' Grant began.<p>

"Yours almost always are." Kowalski commented.

"Yeah, well, why would I have you if I specialized in overcomplicated stuff that requires crazily accurate timing?" Skipper replied, "Anyway, the plan's simple: I've realized that one of the most critical areas of this camp is severely under guarded, and that area is the motor pool. There's one lobster, that's it."

"'Ipper, why ain' we work wi' 'ther 'Ipper?" Rico asked. "'ee been 'ere lon'er, 'ee know if thi' gonna work."

"Skipper's a little technical, everything's gotta try to go to plan and all that," Skipper grumbled, "You two know me, the plan's just there as a guideline."

"Nothing ever goes to plan anyway, why even try to pretend it will?" Kowalski concurred.

"Skipper's been trying to get out of here, it's been, what, fifty something escape attempts, and he's only ever succeeded once. Then he got himself thrown back in here." Skipper had made his position clear and Rico dropped the matter, "Right, here's what we're going to do: Kowalski's surveyed the route between barracks two where we're at and the motor pool: it's practically riddled with cover! So we sneak unseen up to the motor pool, silently take out the guard, grab a car," Grant grinned in anticipation of the next part, "and then floor it."

"And I've prepared exactly 82 contingency plans, covering 84 out of a possible 91 mishaps." Kowalski added proudly. "So when do we start?"

"Midnight."

McSlade hurried back to his quarters. He'd originally been listening to try to find out if the prisoners knew anything about who Doris' accomplice was, but thwarting an escape was good enough for him.

"Pinky," He whispered excitedly. He didn't know why he was whispering, there was no one around, but it felt just more exciting, "That new Skipper's planning an escape: I need all of our men in the area of the camp waiting between the motor pool and barracks two by midnight."

* * *

><p>"'Ipper plan' crazy 's usual." Rico grumbled. His younger counterpart nodded in agreement.<p>

"Min' 'oo. They never gon' make 't." He concurred. "I go' plan nei'er a them ain' tri' 'et." Both Ricos grinned.

"Thro' fron' gate? 'ay, as many 'n a' we ca' ge' ta do it? Wha' time?"

"Mi'night."

Kazoo immediately sped off from where he'd been listening at the window, grabbing the nearest lobster he could find.

"I need everyone on the front gate, the Ricos are planning an escape." He grimaced. This wasn't going to be pretty.

"But everyone on duty's already watchin' the fence and barracks three and four?" The lobster countered, "Doc's orders."

"Then get everyone off duty!" The lobster winced.

"Then that'll be just six of us. Against two Ricos and any prisoners crazy enough to join them."

"Then take the ones in the guard towers, anyone you can find."

* * *

><p>Blowhole had considered modifying a clock to strike ominously at midnight, it felt like one of those kinds of nights, but he realized that he had neither the time to do that, nor did he want to alert his prey with a tolling bell. Still, as everyone looked at their watches and noticed the clock had struck twelve, the atmosphere noticeably changed, almost as if that ominous bell tolling had been present. But, as time passed nothing seemed to be happening. The lobsters were starting to get anxious.<p>

Then he heard a faint shuffling under the ground, or at least his imagination did, but he had a feeling Skipper was now moving through the tunnel right under his feet. Any minute now they'd bump into his surprise party on the other side of the wire. Barely a moment after he'd thought this he heard shots fire and that possibly-imaginary scuffling turned the other way, moving back under the ground towards barrack three. Now he could hear the prisoners noticeably hissing at them to go back the other way because he had lobsters posted outside the door (which he'd had specially removed to face the outside to remind Skipper every time he stepped out how futile escape was). At this point Blowhole knew Skipper would be turning around and heading for barracks four. Straight for him.

The four prisoners stepped out of the wooden building; however, Skipper didn't seem at all surprised to see him. And not in the 'great science, I knew there was another informant in the barracks' kind of unsurprised, but the truly unsurprised and unconcerned kind of unsurprised.

"Hi." Skipper greeted cheerily.

"Uh… um… Hi." Blowhole replied, caught off guard by the sheer unexpectedness of the situation.

"Nice night for a stroll, ain't it?" Skipper commented as if they were making small talk, though with a devious glint in his eye. Blowhole found his way back to reality again.

"I know you're trying to escape." Blowhole spoke, "I suppose you can consider your attempt a failure." He added cheerfully. Skipper, however, also appeared to be in a good mood.

"No, I think you're gonna let us walk out of here." Skipper countered. Skipper began to walk towards the gates.

"Take one more step and I'll have a reason even good enough for Doris to shoot you." Blowhole replied. Skipper paused, just smiling at Blowhole, revelling the moment in which he knew something Blowhole didn't, and watching as Blowhole became more and more worried about this.

"Kowalski, tell him his options."

"With pleasure, sir." Kowalski glanced down at his clipboard on which he had meticulously prepared what he was going to say next. "Doctor Blowhole, I'd like you to give in to your own curiosity and call for Kazoo and McSlade to identify their locations."

"I'm not playing along with your ridiculous game…" Blowhole began, but as predicted, was unable to resist the curiosity, "McSlade? Where are you? Kazoo?"

"I already know where they are." Kowalski spoke, "But I assumed you'd want independent verification, so I asked you to do that. Kazoo currently has all your remaining lobsters prepared to defend an assault on the front gate, and McSlade and his men are occupying the area between barracks two and the motor pool." McSlade and Kazoo's replies confirmed Kowalski's statement. "I've prepared a visual aid to assist in understanding the situation." Kowalski held up his clipboard on which was a rough sketch of the half of the camp they were stood in, with the various positions colour coded and labelled.

"I don't need a 'visual aid'." Blowhole grumbled, but still examined the diagram.

"As you can see," Kowalski continued, "And I'm sure the other person who unfortunately shares a similar name to mine and the Ricos are explaining this to McSlade and Kazoo and Maurice to your men on the other side of the fence, these are your positions: your men outside the fence currently directly face you, and McSlade and Kazoo are both facing each other as well. You just can't see it because you're on either side of the barracks, but they're so flimsily constructed the only purpose they serve is to prevent you from seeing one another until now."

"Congratulations, you've managed to get yourselves surrounded," Blowhole scoffed, bordering almost on a giggle of victory. He'd noticed that his, McSlade's and Kazoo's men made a perfect rectangle, with the two teams in the middle. "Your plan's failed."

"Just the opposite, in fact, I'd say you're in check mate." Skipper countered, "Now I get why you insisted on calling this Operation: Checkmate…"

"Yes, Skipper, finally it occurs to you." Kowalski groaned, "Right now, you're facing directly opposite your men outside the fence, so, it stands to reason that were you to shoot at us, you'd also be shooting at them." Blowhole no longer looked so cheerful, "Likewise, McSlade and Kazoo would be shooting at each other. I'm sure even Kazoo is smart enough to realize the result would be a massacre."

"We still outnumber you." Blowhole spoke, clearly disliking the possibility of having to participate in a brawl, but not beneath it.

"You don't outnumber all the prisoners in the camp." Kowalski countered. "Now, you're undoubtedly about to point out that we too, are also trapped. Supposing our teams were to start walking towards the gates…"

"Then I'd shoot."

"You'd be shooting at Kazoo, and everyone knows your lobsters are more likely to miss the area within two meters of the target rather than hit the thing, and that's in broad daylight." Kowalski pointed out, "There's nothing you can do, but watch us go."

"Hey, doc," one of the red ones whispered, "Couldn't we just tell Kazoo or McSlade to move out of the way?"

"That's exactly what he wants us to do." Blowhole hissed back, "We'd be letting him escape."

"But we're already letting them escape?"

"This would be worse." Kowalski had known Blowhole wouldn't be able to accept the fact the situation was just as it seemed at face value. "I guess I don't have any other choice."

"No, you don't." Skipper concurred, resuming his course towards the gates, the others joining him. He was in such a good mood he even smiled at Grant and his team who had just broken cover and were now walking towards the gates.

"Head out the side gate," Blowhole hissed when the teams were out of earshot, "surround them in the woods."

**Grant and his team are seemingly the team from Do You Really Want to Know (minus their Private). What they end up becoming isn't really that relevant to the plot, however, how they fit in to the mystery will become more apparent in future chapters.**


	16. The Man in the Headlights

"Well," Kowalski smirked with satisfaction as the two teams strolled confidently out of the camp, entirely unopposed, "it would now seem the outcome of that chess game me and Blowhole were going to play is quite certain." Skipper just rolled his eyes, which gave Kowalski the idea to shout it out to someone who might care a little more than Skipper.

"Hey, Blowhole!" He yelled past Kazoo's men. Rico groaned something about having the other Kowalski around was making him even more full of himself than usual, "You know that chess game we were going to have…" Kowalski frowned.

"What?" Skipper asked when Kowalski trailed off and all that replied was silence. Blowhole should have interrupted by now. When Skipper looked, Blowhole wasn't there.

"It would seem scenario 72 has occurred." Kowalski's new rival spoke with the slightest hint of a smile that infuriated Kowalski beyond words, "Well, it's either 72, 73 or 74 depending on which route Blowhole has decided to use to exit the camp then attempt to cut us off in the woods, but at this point in time that is irrelevant to planning our course of action. Of course, I had already prepared some options, and I think contingencies 28 or 21 would be most suitable."

"Does he always do this?" Skipper grumbled.

"Yes he does." Skipper's once-protégé sighed, "Just don't encourage him. Sometimes I think he makes them up as he goes along to sound smart…."

"I do not!" Kowalski protested, "You are quite welcome to examine my notes if…" It was clear neither Skippers were interested in this.

"Skipper," the first Kowalski spoke, "What about Doris…?"

"Not the time, Kowalski." Skipper cut him off.

"So, Blowhole's in the woods in front of us," Grant stated, "are you thinking…?" It was clear Skipper was well ahead of him. "Excellent choice, sir."

"Kowalski," Skipper ordered, "take Kowalski with you and scout ahead. Get me Blowhole's position, as exact as you can get it." The Kowalskis seemed more intent on glaring at each other than moving, "And you two call yourselves geniuses, you're acting like you're five! We're on a timeline here! Get moving!"

"Did you say me _et alius_ should scout ahead?" Kowalski sniffed.

"Me and _what_?"

"'Et alius', sir," Kowalski corrected, "Latin: 'et' means and, and alius is a singular masculine adjective in the nominative case…"

"It means 'and the other', sir." The other Kowalski grumbled, answering his Skipper's quizzical look. "He won't stop calling me that, sir…"

"Well I don't care if you call each other Buck Rockgut and the Red Squirrel, get me Blowhole's position!" skipper snapped. The two Kowalskis gave each other one last jealousy saturated look and disappeared into the woods. However, they were back almost immediately, "You found Blowhole?"

"No, sir." Kowalski grinned, "Even better…"

"Well, well, pen-gu-ins in duplicate." Blowhole spoke emerging from the woods with half a dozen armed lobsters, "Shall we?"

"Seem' li' Blowhole's 'ound _us_, thanks ta oo two." Rico muttered. The Skippers seemed to be in hearty agreement.

"Of course," Blowhole continued as the various members of the team started to glare at each other and accusations began to be traded, "if you'd like to resist, that would be just fine…"

"Um, excuse me…?" A voice so faint it was almost drowned out called. "Excuse me…?" Private repeated a little louder. This time all he got was a dismissive glance from Skipper, "It's rather important!" Private shouted as loud as he could. That got some attention, "Thank you very much." Private flushed slightly with embarrassment as all eyes turned on you, "Um, doctor, might I ask if you instructed Kazoo to move from his post before you proceeded to attempt to outmanoeuvre us?"

"What does it matter, I've outmanoeuvred you?" Blowhole replied, "Anyway, you can see for yourself, look behind you." Kazoo was still there.

"Well, it would seem the same situation as before applies." Private explained, "If you were to shoot at us, considering the fact that shooting is not one of the strongpoints of your men, you would likely end up hitting Kazoo." Blowhole considered this for a moment.

"Doc!" the same lobster that had questioned Blowhole before hissed beside him, "If we get Kazoo to move, then…"

"That's exactly what they want us to do!" Blowhole replied. He looked at the escapees, then at Kazoo. Private's statement was correct. "There's no choice for us other than to retreat?" Blowhole concluded.

"Well, actually…" Private began, but Skipper cut him off just in time.

"Yeah, that's about all you can do." Skipper confirmed. Still, all that had done was buy them time while Blowhole rearranged his men. Still, as Skipper made a point of stating, it had done a lot more good than the two Kowalskis had.

Suddenly the sounds of shouting interrupted the stalemate as an all-out riot broke out in barracks 3. Good old Maurice, as perceptive as ever, had likely started it. For a moment Blowhole's attention was diverted as the confused Kazoo, divided between guarding the gate and wanting to break up the riot called to him for orders. When he and the lobsters' attentions returned to the team, the team was gone.

* * *

><p>"That's the Penguins for you, Blowhole." Skipper spoke confidently as Blowhole ordered for his men to fan out and search the woods, thoroughly confused by the sudden absence of penguins, the lobsters thrown into complete disorder. "We carry out or objective, then we disappear like…"<p>

"…the wind." And "…ghosts." Were added simultaneously by the two Skippers.

"Do we disappear like wind or ghosts?" Kowalski asked.

"Both of them." Grant replied. "So what was it you two found that was more important than almost getting caught by Blowhole?"

"Oh," 'Alius' smiled, "follow me."

The two Kowalskis led the way through the woods, roughly in the direction of the main road, then turned so they walked parallel with it.

"Skipper, about Doris…" Kowalski started to ask again.

"We'll go back for her." Skipper replied, if only to keep Kowalski quiet.

A short distance later Skipper noticed something was off about the forest, notably that there was a shiny dark patch in the middle of the trees against a background of something that just didn't look quite right. A step or two later, and Skipper realized it was something hidden under a camouflage tarp. Kowalski grabbed the tarp and pulled it aside revealing a sleek black automobile, which, judging by its good condition, hadn't been out there long.

"Looks like Blowhole's escape plan." The second Kowalski explained, "She's got a full tank of gasoline, seems to be in working order and contains about two days' worth of provisions and some first aid equipment…" However, Grant had already rushed around to the front of the car which faced down the small dirt road that likely led to the main road.

"Hey, Kowalski, can I drive?" Grant called over his shoulder. The thought briefly crossed Kowalski's mind to wonder why Grant was asking him and not Skipper, but he didn't consider it important enough to ask about.

"Why not, if you're so enthusiastic about it?" Kowalski replied. Immediately, Grant dived into the driver's seat and started the engine.

"No, Kowalski, don't let him get behind that wheel!" Skipper yelled, running up from near the back of the group where he'd been commending Private on his quick thinking. Grant pretended he couldn't hear him, "You'll be lucky to get out of that car alive!"

"We don't have time to fight over who gets to drive, Blowhole's right behind us!" Grant countered. Skipper looked warily at the car, and then finally realized his ex-protégé was unfortunately correct.

"How bad could it be?" Private concurred. Reluctantly, Skipper finally got into the car.

No sooner had his foot gingerly left the running board when the car screamed into action. To Kowalski it felt like in the first five seconds the car had accelerated from zero to Mach 3, something he thought no sane driver ought to attempt or even could succeed at doing on what was essentially a dirt road.

"I see what you mean." Kowalski grimaced when he finally regained his breath.

"This is a swell set of wheels." Grant commented, perfectly at ease behind the wheel. His team, while all gripping some part of the vehicle like their lives depended on it, were clearly not unaccustomed to this behaviour. "Say what you want about Blowhole, but he's got good taste in cars."

"Actually," Skipper, who seemed to be handling it the best out of all of them corrected, looking at the registration, "This car belonged to Hans." The car turned a sharp corner on the narrow neglected road, which fortunately seemed to be widening from little more than a trail to something that could be called a road, and Private gasped.

"Relax, kid, I'm in control." Grant chuckled. The car hit another corner far too fast and went into a skid. For a moment it looked like the side of the car was about to slam into the trees when somehow Grant managed to manoeuvre them out of danger.

"You call that in control?!" Kowalski exclaimed.

"You let him drive." Rico grumbled.

"Hey, we're escaping, we're in a hurry." Grant defended himself, but it was clear his main concern was trying to discover the car's limits on something that wasn't a race track. He pulled another death defying turn and the car suddenly found itself off the neglected side road and speeding along the, thankfully empty, main road.

"I've always said a car wreck's gonna get him long before the enemy has a chance." Skipper muttered, peering through the mists that swirled and danced in front of the headlights, "Can you slow down a little so maybe there'll be a little more to identify us with than that Danish krone you always have to wear?" Grant seemed keen to demonstrate that disobedient side Skipper had complained about. "That's a direct order, soldier."

"Alright, alright." Grant grumbled, finally decreeing the speed to something half acceptable, "I thought the roads here don't have speed limits."

"Actually, those are only the…" Kowalski began to correct. However, before Kowalski could finish his correction, Skipper's reputation for having uncanny timing was about to be demonstrated again.

"Look out!" Private yelled as he caught sight of a dark figure just beyond the range of the headlights, stumbling across the road. Grant slammed on the breaks, but he knew they were going too fast to stop in time. Suddenly the spectral figure, bleached of colour by the headlights' bright beams, was illuminated for a split second. His dark uniform was singed and even burned away in places and blood from a head wound stained much of the left side of his face. The figure stared at the car for a moment with a kind of dazed confusion as the car hurtled towards him uncontrollably. At the last minute Grant twisted the wheel and the figure vanished to their left. Tires screamed as Grant tried to regain control of the car, but their collision was unavoidable and the car swerved off the road and into the ditch.


	17. Dead Man Walking

"Kid?" Skipper groaned. His vision was less than steady as he slowly pulled himself away with the back of the driver's seat that he'd collided with. Thankfully, the car hadn't flipped, "Kid, if you're still alive: I told you so."

"I think your statement would actually only apply if he were dead." Kowalski corrected drowsily. He blinked and sat up. Beside him, between him and Skipper, Rico seemed to have actually enjoyed the crash though he'd almost been thrown through the windshield and was sprawled across centre of the car.

"Actually, it would only apply if my Skipper was the direct cause of the accident." Alius corrected, "Whoever… Whatever that was caused the accident."

"I've got too much of a headache to argue with you now." Kowalski groaned, "But we'll discuss this later. Alright, Skipper's fine, Rico's fine…" Kowalski glanced forward to the front seats where Grant lay unconscious against the steering wheel. No, wait, he'd just stirred. Alius was, unfortunately, alright… "Wait, Private, other Rico!" Kowalski tried to stand up without remembering he was still in a car and banged his head painfully against the roof. Skipper had already twisted around to face the rumble seat at the back. He could see the other Rico lying in the grass a few feet away from the car, with a giddy kind of smile. But Private was gone.

"Private!" Skipper yelled stumbling out of the car. He'd decided he'd personally make life very very difficult for Grant with Nigel if anything had happened to the kid. "Private!" He called again, his eyes searching the grass and trees around the car but Private was nowhere in sight. Then he remembered that apparition of something he'd seen on the road. Could ghosts take hostages? His dazed mind decided that if they could, that was almost certainly what had happened. "Private?!"

"Y… Yes, Skippah?" a British accented voice replied faintly and Skipper turned around to find that Private had been thrown from the rumble seat onto the roof of the car. "S… Skippah, I think m… my arm is broken. Would you give me a hand down?"

"Your arm's fine, Private." Skipper replied gruffly, but still gave the boy a hand sliding off the roof of the car. It was only then that Skipper's eye briefly caught the outline of a figure in the dark on the other side of the road. The figure stumbled once or twice, clutching his head, then finally fell, though to the best of Skipper's knowledge they hadn't hit him. That image flashed back to him of the ghost of the man who'd burned alive standing in the headlights. "Come on," Skipper ordered, beckoning for the others to follow him across the empty road, "the gas tank might still catch fire."

Skipper slowly approached the figure lying on the ground just next to the road.

"Did I hit him?" Grant asked.

"No," Skipper replied, "Rico, gimme a flashlight." Rico produced the tool and handed it to Skipper who shone it on the unconscious man. Skipper paused as he saw up close the burned black uniform he'd seen moments ago. Cautiously, he leaned closer, then in one quick motion grabbed the figure by the shoulder and turned him face up, immediately stepping back as if the man who appeared dead to the world might attack – which he might very well have been playing possum. Almost immediately, Skipper wished they'd been run off the road by a ghost. "I knew it was too easy for him to be dead!"

"B… But Skippah!" Private protested, stumbling back from Hans, "I… I saw him burning, I heard the screaming… There was no way out of that building, not alive at least."

"I've stopped asking how he does it." Kowalski replied.

"Well I haven't," Skipper countered, "Kowalski, bring him around and ask him." Private was still moving slowly further and further away from the group, "He's not a ghost, Private, get back over here."

"Yes, Skippah." Private whispered and took a cautious step forward. "Um, is he alright?"

"How should I know?" Kowalski replied, looking up from Hans, "I keep telling you guys, I'm a doctor of physics, not medicine."

"I am, at least, I did everything but the last semester of medical school." Alius spoke up. With his Skipper's permission he approached the unconscious man and as he examined him seemed to know what he was doing. Kowalski looked like he was going to explode, but couldn't do any more than watch, since in this field he was clearly out skilled.

"Sir, I've heard of this guy – and I wish I had hit him now – but what happened to him?" Grant asked. Skipper quickly got him up to speed.

"Alright," Alius announced, concluding his examination, "we've got some assorted minor burns, some more serious ones on the fingers – it looks like he held a very hot small metal object for a minute or two. A few scrapes and bruises, judging by vegetation and some splinters caught on his clothing he was dragged over both foliage and wooden boards."

"Can you wake him up?" Skipper asked. Alius shook his head.

"Probably not. He's suffered some fairly serious head trauma – likely struck by a blunt metal object. He's also inhaled a fair bit of smoke, so even if I could bring him around he's not going to be too coherent."

"A' leas' 'is prove Doris didn' kill 'im." Rico pointed out.

"Who' Doris?" The other Rico asked.

"Oh, she' 'Walski's…"

"Shh!" Kowalski hissed.

"Wha'? I' ain' no secre' she 'arried…"

"Listen!" Alius interrupted. The group went silent. Sure enough, a faint rustling sound could be heard in the woods.

"Well, at least that's too loud for anyone working for Hans." Kowalski commented, "Do you think maybe we should…"

The first volley of gunfire exploded the silence of the night barely a moment after the team hit the ground.

"You might as well surrender, pen-gu-ins. I have no quarrel with no one but the Skippers." Blowhole called across the road.

"'oo really thin' we gonna 'urn in a' own?" Rico shouted back.

"Kowalski, give me some options!" Skipper ordered.

"Diversion, then run for the woods." Kowalski replied.

"Blowhole appears to be somewhat of a coward, fire a few shots at him and he'll retreat to the nearest cover." Alius reported.

"Yeah, well, we've got a problem there, genius, we just came out of a POW camp – do you think we've got any guns?" Grant countered.

"What about Hans?"

"Kowalski found his gun in the ashes, give up on that one."

"No, wait," Kowalski countered. He remembered the last time he'd jumped to the conclusion Hans was unarmed the first time he'd tried to kill the man and found himself incapable of shooting someone in cold blood. Skipper had taken the sidearm clearly displayed in his holster, but Hans had then almost killed the scientist with a second weapon he kept in his right inside pocket. On that hunch he checked the pocket and found that whoever had attempted to kill Hans had neglected the second weapon.

Grant grabbed the gun and fired four shots into the woods, hitting two lobsters. Immediately Blowhole and his men scattered, most running back into the woods for the cover of the trees. Skipper and the team were running for the woods themselves.

"Hey, somebody grab our only evidence!" Kowalski called. It then seemed to occur to Skipper that Hans wasn't going anywhere on his own.

"I've got him, sir." Grant reported. Skipper continued on through the forest as behind him he could hear Blowhole and his lobsters getting their act together.

"How'd they find us?" Alius demanded, "We were in a car, they couldn't have tracked us through the woods. And we covered our tracks?!"

"Hans probably didn't." Kowalski replied.

"Over there!" Private pointed through the trees at what appeared to be a partially destroyed farm house, which appeared to be empty. Skipper approved the direction change and the team headed for the farm house. They dived into the door-less doorway of the main building. At first nothing happened.

"Why do I get the feeling we're surrounded?" Grant spoke, regaining his breath.

"Likely because Blowhole appears to be taking his time." Hans groaned, trying to sit up from where Grant had unceremoniously dropped him, apparently finally awake, "Only makes sense if he doesn't think we can escape, at least, not all of you." Hans blinked, noticing for the first time that there seemed to be two of Skipper, Kowalski and Rico. "Hm, I thought you were back in London, Grant. Looking for Manfredi and Johnson?"

"Our mission is classified." Grant replied curtly.

"Unfortunately, he is right." Kowalski spoke, looking up from his clipboard, "Blowhole and McSlade are probably swarming the woods all around here. Possibly one or two of us could make it through with a distraction, but even if we made it out of the woods Blowhole's probably alerted everyone in the area – they'll be looking for us at every train station, there's going to be road blocks…"

"Did I mention I think Barry's in the area?" Hans added. "You've really got no other choice than to give yourselves up."

"Penguins do not give up." Skipper replied stubbornly. "We're getting out of here."

"Sir," Alius winced, "I admire your spirit, but the odds of us getting out of the woods alive are close to nothing. And I'm including the incredibly remote possibility that six bands of paratroopers get lost and simultaneously decide to land here within the next ten minutes in my calculations."

"I'll go wherever you order me to go, Skippah." Private reassured with quiet courage, "It's been a real honor serving with you." Skipper's eyes met the ground. Grant readied their only weapon for their last stand.

"I promised I'd get you home alive, Private." Skipper finally spoke. Both teams looked like they couldn't believe what they'd just heard, "You heard me, we're going to give ourselves up. Anyway," He added, "we've got to clear Doris, so we need to get Hans back into camp."

"No, I think you've got the wrong idea…" Hans went to protest, but Skipper didn't have time for questions and concerns from the enemy.

"If we want to find out who really tried to kill him, we need to get him back into camp unseen. Kowalski?" Skipper asked. He could tell by the look on the scientist's face that Kowalski had an idea. "Come on, what's the idea." He added when Kowalski still seemed lost in thought.

"I'm going to whisper it to you, Skipper." Kowalski spoke. He looked at Alius, "And he's going to _try_ to guess just how I'm going to do it." Alius rolled his eyes as if to say it would be child's play. Kowalski whispered his idea to Skipper, who in turn said something to Rico. Rico immediately moved towards Hans.

"A'right, oo comin' wi' me."

"I don't want to go anywhere." Hans replied. Rico looked to Skipper.

"Go ahead and knock him out."

Rico slung the unconscious man over his shoulder and started towards the back of farm house.

"Alright, let's create a distraction for him." Skipper spoke. "Blowhole!" He yelled into the woods, "We're going to surrender." Blowhole, who was just emerging from the woods, seemed just as surprised as the team to hear that, "Kowalski, pull the Doris card on him so Blowhole doesn't shoot us anyway." The team surrendered and gave little resistance as they were sent back to the camp. Rico was recaptured a short ways down the road, when he turned himself in to McSlade who had remained in the woods in the area just south of where the car had crashed. Skipper was satisfied that the plan had worked perfectly.


	18. Hans' Perspective

"You say you know how I got Hans into the camp without Blowhole knowing about it." Kowalski smirked, "Alright, find him." Kowalski's counterpart just smiled.

"It was obvious, you know." He spoke as he left the barracks, starting across the camp. As he left the general area of the barracks he began to keep more out of sight until they finally came to the motor pool. "Rico, if you would be so kind."

"Aw, a'right." His Rico groaned, and disappeared to start a distraction.

"Skipper." Kowalski spoke, drawing Skipper to the back of the group, "I want to talk to you about the way Miss Blue has been behaving around me.

"She's creepy, we all know that. Anyone who has a crush on Hans has gotta be creepy." Skipper replied.

"Well, Skipper, she's winked at me twice then the other day she said she could get me a pass to go out of camp to go dancing to get my mind off Doris…"

"She's trying to help in her own strange way." Skipper interrupted, "But we're gonna clear Doris, remember?"

Kowalski wasn't sure what Rico did, but the two lobsters on guard at the motor pool immediately took off in the direction Rico had been headed in, leaving the area unguarded.

"This way." Alius walked over to where Hans' car, while more than a little dented by the accident, was still usable after it had been pulled out of the ditch. There he stopped and paused for a moment. He knocked twice on the trunk.

"Can you let me out already?" A familiar and very annoyed voice replied.

"Good to hear you had the sense to stay quiet in there, after all, if you'd yelled for help the whole time McSlade might have found you."

"Please don't explain my own logic to me." Alius shrugged.

"Keys please?" He extended a hand to Rico who relinquished the keys with a mildly impressed grunt that nearly sent Kowalski's clipboard flying in his general direction, "As I said, it was obvious: you needed something that wouldn't be searched that Blowhole would definitely take back to camp with him. Well, Blowhole, I'm told, isn't one to neglect the spoils of conflict and he was unlikely to search the car since it was doubtful he'd think someone would want to sneak into camp. Also, you used a similar plan to sneak Marlene in and out again." Kowalski was practically seething by the point Alius unlocked the trunk and hauled Hans out into the sunlight.

"This way." Skipper ordered, "I know where to put him."

* * *

><p>"I still can't believe it." Hans spoke emphatically as Grant finished picking the lock on the Blowhole's office and Hans was shoved inside. With Blowhole in town for the afternoon, no one could think of a place the lobsters would be less likely to look, "My own wife nearly killed me!" Rico sat him down in one of the chairs and chained his wrist to the arm rest. "I mean, Doris, I never for one minute thought she would have the nerve to…"<p>

"Doris didn't try to kill you." Kowalski countered firmly. Hans scoffed.

"She is capable of a whole lot more than either of us ever thought." He replied and Skipper got the sense that Hans was actually seriously mad at her. At first Kowalski thought possibly a touch heartbroken as well, but realized what he saw was more likely Hans trying to overcompensate for the fact he was afraid, "Doris trying to kill me, American prisoners in a POW camp holding a German officer prisoner… it's amazing what this world's coming to."

"What exactly do you remember?" Skipper asked, his expression neutral. While he wanted to side with his lieutenant, Hans didn't exactly have anything to gain by lying about who tried to kill him and Skipper knew from experience people could be very different to how they first appeared. At first Hans seemed reluctant to answer, likely just force of habit to try to resist an interrogation, but then realized he had no reason to keep the information from them.

"Well, at about 2300 last night I caught Doris walking across the camp to see Kowalski…"

"We know about that, Private overheard it." Skipper interrupted, "Private, what was the last thing you heard?"

"Um, I think Doris was saying that even if you had been convicted it wouldn't be enough to pay for your other crimes." Private replied. Hans thought for a moment, then seemed to recall the point in the conversation.

"Well, you didn't miss much," Hans continued, "I told her I didn't think she really meant that but she surprised me by replying she actually did. At the time I didn't take her seriously, I thought she was just upset because we were leaving tomorrow so I told her to finish packing. The conversation ended there and I thought she'd left. I'd stored some things in that storage building that I'd needed for the trip. Walking towards that was the last thing I remember…"

"Hey, doc, you in there?" The penguins froze, "I thought you'd gone into town… anyway, this is important," Rico was already unchaining Hans and Private was half way out the window, "Kazoo says he thinks he's uncovered an escape attempt from barracks one…" When the lobster opened the door he found the room empty. "I coulda sworn I heard voices…"

* * *

><p>"What's the next thing you remember?" Skipper asked. They'd relocated to the rec room that had been off limits since Skipper's third to latest escape attempt, where they'd resumed questioning after Kowalski and Kowalski had calmed down. Skipper was going to have to have a word with those two: his ex-protégé's lieutenant had picked the lock on the rec room faster than Kowalski's best time and bragged about it, which resulted in Kowalski replying that all that made Alius was crook. The argument had spiralled from there, and Hans hadn't exactly helped calm them down.<p>

"Burning." Hans replied. "I woke up gasping for air through the smoke – not a very pleasant thing to regain consciousness to – and I had a splitting headache, you know the ones you get when someone hits you over the head with a heavy blunt object? I was hanging from the ceiling, I was handcuffed to one of the beams above me, and the fire was already under way."

"How did you get out?" Private asked.

"I'm coming to that." Hans replied, "I keep a lock pick sewn into my sleeve, but that was gone – more evidence it was Doris because the person who tried to kill me knew my personal habits. Anything else I could conceivably use to escape was also gone." Private's expression turned slightly uncomfortable, "I'm not a ghost." Hans laughed. Private looked uncomfortably away, "Actually, I thought I was about to become one when I found an old nail or piece of wire or something in the wooden beam above me. I managed to get it out of the wood and get the lock on my right wrist open."

"If the nail was hot from the fire that would explain the burns on his fingers." Alius concurred. `

"The door was unlocked since I guess Doris didn't think I'd get loose," Hans continued, "I remember stumbling outside, coughing a lot – I remember how dark it was compared to the fire. Then I must have collapsed or something. My memory is foggy between when I woke up in the forests around the camp and when you nearly ran me over, though you can account for most of my actions then. I guess I must have gotten out of the back of building and got over the wire somehow while everyone was watching the fire."

"But we did find a body with some of your personal effects?" Kowalski pointed out.

"Well, I was keeping a spare uniform among a few other things in there." Hans replied, "Maybe somebody else was hiding a body there? The handcuffs might have been confiscated from Rico, and Doris took my gun and knife before hanging me up there."

"Doris didn't do it…!" Kowalski began to protest, but Skipper cut him off. Hans was convinced Doris had been behind the attempt on his life that had gotten the closest to succeeding – which clearly scared him – and if Kowalski got too obsessed about defending her Hans was going to start to use it against him.

"We've got roll call in twenty minutes, I've gotta find a place to hide Hans while that's on." Skipper spoke, stepping out the door. He needed to think. The evidence, including the victim's testimony (a rare thing in murder cases), was all stacked against Doris, but Skipper wanted to have believe his lieutenant and close friend.

"I'll come with you." Grant started after him. "Kowalski, take this." Skipper tossed his lieutenant Hans' pistol.

"We'll be back in a minute." The door shut between Skipper and Skipper and the rest of the two teams.

"Have you been using any addictive substances?" Alius, who'd been studying Hans intently through the whole interrogation asked.

"No." Hans replied. Alius didn't seem convinced. "What makes you think that?"

"Oh, I can see the usual symptoms of mild withdrawal, that and you keep reaching for your left pocket." Hans' hand paused a few inches from his left pocket.

"Alright, I've been taking some pain killers." He looked to Kowalski, "Healing from four gunshot wounds isn't exactly comfortable. Blue was getting them for me. In a week I was supposed to start going off them, but a little more gradually than this." Then he seemed to notice something else in the young scientist's expression, "Someone close to you had a serious problem with addiction." Alius stiffened, "Father…? No, I'm going to go with mother." The chemist's hand tightened into a fist, playing right into Hans' hands, as Kowalski would have noticed if he hadn't been so intent on scribbling possibilities for proving Doris innocent on his clipboard, "It ended badly, didn't it? Hm, very badly. And you blame yourself. Well, you're very meticulous with weighing evidence, you're probably right…" Alius' impeccable discipline snapped that moment, aiming a solid punch at their captive.

Hans deflected the blow like he'd been waiting for it the entire time, grabbing the scientist's arm and twisting it behind his back. Suddenly Alius realized Hans had baited him into it as Hans grabbed the gun from Alius' hand.

"Alright, unlock the cuffs." He ordered. Alius had little choice than to swallow his pride and produce the key if he valued his life. Hans pocketed the handcuffs and stood up, motioning for the room's other occupants to move against the back wall, "And here I thought you were half promising." Hans stepped out into the camp and shut the door after him. Immediately Kowalski charged towards the door and tugged at it, only to find Hans had locked the door after him. Spending precious minutes to pick the lock, Kowalski only discovered that Hans had locked the handcuffs around the outside door handle and a metal hook on the wall.

"Great science I _really_ hate that guy!"


	19. Seconds

Hans walked briskly away from the rec room, unconcerned by the muffled shouting of the penguins inside. Taking a few feet's detour Hans grabbed a jacket off an unattended clothing line, covering his less than inconspicuous uniform, and grabbed a cap from nearby. Now just another prisoner, if not subjected to close scrutiny, Hans stepped out into the main grounds of the camp and started walking towards a group of prisoners loosely gathered around the entrance to barracks four.

"Joey!" Hans called when he was a few feet away. "Catch." He tossed the gun to the Australian who stared at it in disbelief before hurriedly confirming the fact it contained about four more bullets left to fire, "Complements of the Skipper." Joey grinned.

"Thanks mate!" Joey exclaimed, "When can we head for home?"

"The sooner the better he said." Hans replied. He was already walking away from the group, keeping his head down. He walked towards Doris' quarters where the lobster that had served as messenger between his wife and Kowalski was standing guard outside the locked door. "Hey!" He hissed, catching the guard's attention. He pointed back towards the group of prisoners trying to disguise the fact they were celebrating, "_I_ didn't tell you this, but Joey's gotten his hands on a gun. I just don't want anyone to get hurt, and I think he's about to try to escape…"

"Joey, right?" The lobster repeated gravely, starting towards the group, rifle ready for action.

"Yeah." Hans replied, walking as if he intended to find safe cover behind one of the barracks.

"Watch where you're going." The lobster barked as Hans bumped into him.

"Sorry." Hans muttered and continued walking with his hands in his pockets. As soon as he heard the first shots fired, he changed his course and started towards the building he'd originally been headed for. He unlocked the door with the key he'd taken from the lobster when they'd bumped into each other, leaving the borrowed jacket and cap outside the door. In his left hand he held the other object he'd pocketed from the lobster.

* * *

><p>Doris was stood staring out the window as she almost always was since she was accused. Though this time, she was gripping the sill of the locked window, the other hand pressed against the glass in worry as just about every lobster in the camp swarmed around the ever growing crowd of prisoners. She winced as two more shots were fired, wounding a prisoner and a lobster, the scuffle turning into an all-out riot, panic growing on both sides.<p>

Doris tried to scream but the grip on her throat strangled the sound before someone even in the same room would be able to make it out. She struggled against the attacker but there was little she could do as she fought for air. In an instant she felt the steel blade against her back and she fought even harder.

"Shhh, Doris, I could make this a lot more painful." Doris' terror widened eyes took on an entirely new kind of fear at the sound of Hans' voice.

* * *

><p>Skipper slipped silently into the wooden structure that Doris was essentially under house arrest in. His eyes followed the muddy boot prints towards the living area at the end of the corridor and he could hear the faint sounds of a failing struggle. He wanted to move faster, but he could only go so fast whilst remaining perfectly silent. For him the only variable was getting there in time, since once he reached the room he'd have the element of surprise. Nobody ever heard him approach when he didn't want to be heard.<p>

Skipper slowly started into the room. Hans had his back to the door, though Skipper could see the knife in his hand ready to slip into Doris' heart. As Skipper's foot crossed the doorway, his gut told him then that something was wrong, but Doris didn't have time for him to listen to his gut. He moved closer still, his right hand poised to grab the knife out of Hans' hand.

Skipper sprung forward like a jaguar, his hand going for the knife, but Hans was already moving. Without releasing Doris, Hans' blade slashed across Skipper's arm, cutting a deep gash. His guard down, a split second later Skipper slammed into the wall a few feet away, striking his head on the side of Doris' writing desk.

"Don't look so surprised, Skipper." Hans spoke, Skipper lying stunned on the ground. "It is very difficult to sneak up on me. I heard you coming when you were half way down the hall." Hans' grip had loosened slightly around Doris' neck and she gasped desperately for air. "You can come out too, Captain Grant."

"Hey, I just ran half way down the hall; of course you heard me." Grant panted, skidding to a stop outside the door, but despite his outward levity his eyes betrayed he was completely at a loss as he stared at the scene. Hans was about to kill Doris, with no interest in banter, and his mentor was barely stirring. Still, that was only for a second.

The world went into a whirl as Grant reached into his pocket, pulling out a small metal object and twisted a dial on it, "I've got no idea what it is, but I found this in Kowalski's lab," he called as the unusual looking object sailed into the room, "It's got a ten second fuse." a second ticked away as he armed the weapon at the word 'second', simultaneously slamming the door shut, locking the door with the key in the lock. Skipper groaned and made a failed attempt at picking himself up.

"Your Skipper's in here too!" Hans countered, two and a bit seconds passing.

"Y'really think I care?" Something changed in Hans' expression. With seconds remaining he didn't have a choice; he released Doris and kicked the door open, leaving the knife completely open for Grant to grab. "Skipper, hit the green and blue buttons at the same time!" He yelled with three seconds remaining. Skipper, who'd barely just opened his eyes, reached out for the device, dragging himself forward though his head spun and he was pretty certain there was more than one target. His hand slammed down on the two buttons just in time. Skipper's head hit the floor again, waiting for the world to return somewhat to normal before attempting to stand. But Grant now had the knife and was standing with Hans on one side of him and the recovering Doris and Skipper safe on the other.

"What in Coulomb's Law's going on?" Blowhole exclaimed, staring at the scene he'd just interrupted. His eyes immediately locked on to Hans, "He's supposed to be…!"

"I love all these shocked reactions I'm getting from people." Hans commented, watching Grant with a kind of half interest. Blowhole's eyes narrowed.

"Hey, doc," Grant spoke, a slightly crazed grin left over from the action of a few seconds ago. He slipped hand holding the knife into his pocket, but made it very clear to Hans that one false move, and it would be in his back. He indicated that Hans should get moving, starting after Skipper who had now picked himself up from the floor, nursing his injured head. "You didn't see anything."

They brushed past Blowhole who offered no resistance as he stared after them. "I certainly didn't, if somehow he comes out of this dead." They were already gone.

"Y'know," Doris whispered hoarsely, rubbing her throat. "I think you and Kowalski might have been right about him."

* * *

><p>"Stuff like that is why we don't talk anymore." Skipper spoke as the three men slipped past the edges of the riot, which still hadn't been completely quelled. Five bodies, three prisoners and two lobsters lay on the ground. Skipper didn't know how many of them were dead or alive, but they didn't look promising. A couple more were wounded. But it still could have turned out worse. Among the worst of them was the lobster who'd aided the relationship between Doris and Kowalski, and Skipper wondered if Hans had planned that.<p>

"Sorry." Grant replied. "I didn't have much of a choice." Or at least in the heat of the moment the only thing Grant could see were the needlessly reckless actions. One of the things Skipper had hoped field work would beat out of his young replacement was the belief that he was invincible. Still, the way Grant stared at the carnage Skipper wondered if he might be learning that lesson now.

"I didn't have much choice either." Hans spoke, breaking the silence, though it was clear he felt no remorse. "You know she's only going to keep trying. Now she knows I'm still alive she has to or she's going to face the first murder trial with testimony from the victim."

"Don't you know any other way to overcome something that scares you than to kill it?" Grant accused.

"Skipper!" Kowalski called before Hans could reply, jogging up to the group. The rest of the two teams followed close behind. "Doris is alright…?"

"Just a few bruises and a bad shock." Skipper replied, "She'll be fine." Kowalski nodded, looked at Grant and then back at Skipper.

"Can I have a word with you as soon as you get the chance?"

"How about now?" Skipper replied. This seemed agreeable to Kowalski, "Grant, other Kowalski, hide Hans for roll call." He ordered, "The rest of you start looking for somewhere else to put him after that. I want to go over his story again." The others followed their orders and left, "What's on your mind?"

"Skipper," Kowalski glanced over his shoulder. Then he looked at Skipper with dead seriousness, "Have you ever considered that Grant and his team might be androids?"


	20. Puffins and Androids

"Androids?" Skipper laughed the minute Kowalski suggested the idea. "Boy, you really are jealous of that other Kowalski."

"No, I'm…!" Kowalski immediately began to protest.

"I'm not going to replace you, Kowalski," skipper interrupted before Kowalski could finish, "I'm in the same boat as you – it seems like Nigel's got the kid all ready to take over from me." He added, trying to disguise that subtle hint of bitterness in his voice.

"I'm not joking, Skipper, have you considered the possibility that they're androids?" Kowalski countered seriously.

"Of course I have, I consider the possibility that everyone is an android ever since we found out about Francis Alberta's little science project." Skipper replied, matching Kowalski's tone, "But Grant isn't an _android_." Skipper spoke, resuming his course back to barracks 3, "Just because I could use the laugh, what makes you think his team are androids, aside from your jealousy?"

"Well," Kowalski let the hand holding his clipboard rest at his side. At first he'd intended to read from his notes, but now he felt that genuineness had to be emphasized over all else. Skipper seemed to sense he was no longer talking to the jealous scientist, but a concerned friend. "First of all, they just 'appear' wandering out in the forest – Blowhole said he found them in the area, no evidence of a crash, and none of them have alibis not provided by each other…"

"So you think one of them might have tried to kill Hans?" skipper asked, "It's farfetched, but possible. And I wouldn't blame them, either." Skipper's eyes gained that faraway look that appeared whenever Denmark came up. "But where'd you get androids from?"

"Well, you said so yourself that you can't actually remember then-Private Grant since you two already weren't talking to each other before Denmark," Kowalski continued, then changed tack, "Do you remember when that Alberta character turned up to study us a couple of weeks after you crashed?"

"Yeah."

"She took a special interest in you, me and Rico – Private hadn't arrived yet," Skipper nodded. He remembered all those long, dull tests, "So she would have collected data on just the three of us, ergo, Grant doesn't have a private."

"All that means is that he's been half responsible for once, which your probability calculation things probably say had to happen at some point." Skipper countered, "And Alberta could have been observing us for any number of other reasons."

"But consider this, Skipper, when Alberta was studying us, she hadn't yet developed the scanners McSlade found when he raided her lab." Kowalski argued, "So the models of our personalities and physical traits she would have used would have been gained by observation, so only shallow replicas of our more obvious characteristics: you – at the time, of course – reckless, overly confident, myself, well, it's no secret I can be a little arrogant…"

"A _little_?" Skipper scoffed.

"…Rico is mostly just what he seems and, like I said, there was no Private at the time. Think about it, these are all Grant's team's characteristics: Grant is overly confident and arrogant, Alius is… you get the picture. Also, Grant was what…?"

"He's eight years younger than me – if you trust the official records."

"And this Grant gave Blowhole an age only two and a bit years younger than you – in other words, the same age you were at the time Alberta was observing us…"

"The kid's always had a problem with telling the truth, especially about age, he probably just wanted to see if Blowhole would believe him." Skipper replied, "Anyway, why would an android try to kill Hans?"

"Well then the question is who programmed the androids to do that?" Kowalski answered. "You still don't believe me?"

"No," skipper replied, then paused thoughtfully, "I just don't know." Kowalski raised an eyebrow.

"Are you sure _you_ haven't been replaced with an android?" He asked.

"Very funny." Skipper responded dryly, "I'm going to look into it. I might not remember what the kid looked like, but I still remember a fair bit about him."

* * *

><p>"Lieutenant Kowalski AKA Alius, am I correct?" Miss Blue asked, spotting Kowalski from the door to Blowhole's office. It was less of a question than a statement of fact.<p>

"I am." Kowalski replied, slowing a little, though the woman had already easily matched his pace.

"Where's the other Kowalski?" She asked. "The physicist?"

"No idea, probably heading for roll call." Kowalski replied, "Why do you want to know?"

"Well, he could be a while, then." She stated, ignoring his question and accurately predicting that, considering what Blowhole had just witnessed, he was going to have a lot of questions after roll call, "Hm." She paused, then as if deciding to use a backup plan handed Kowalski two overflowing folders, "That's the important stuff about Doris' and Hans' cases. Give that to him." Without waiting for an answer, because she knew his answer, she began to walk away. Kowalski shrugged, he'd been told Miss Blue was a little unusual, and continued on his way. However, after taking the first couple of steps a small slip of paper fluttered out of the bundle. Blue paused as if something had just occurred to her; she turned around, looking at the note with disappointment as if the weather had messed up a good prediction. Kowalski glanced at a note. It contained a phone number followed by "Call me – Helga Blue". "What's this?" Kowalski asked suspiciously.

"A reminder to keep me updated on the situation even if I'm called away from camp – I'm sure he can find a way around Blowhole. Remembering to do things is not one of your counterpart's strong points." Kowalski shrugged and slipped the note back into the folder. He left the folder on Kowalski's bunk. Rico helped him move the stove, and Kowalski descended into the small, cramped space, little more than a meter or two by a meter or two with a ceiling of an even lower height. From the small cave two escape tunnels in progress branched off.

"…It was simple, ridiculously simple I'm still amazed it went wrong…" Hans was recounting.

"Has he given you any trouble?" Kowalski asked, interrupting the tale. Skipper looked up.

"No, he's been behaving himself." Skipper replied, but he still watched Hans warily. Kowalski sat down in the corner next to Skipper and opposite Hans as Rico covered the stove over again. Kowalski was very glad he wasn't claustrophobic. Blowhole had agreed that someone had to keep an eye on Hans and that the newer additions to the camp would be more readily missed than the camp's four long-time troublemakers. He could imagine the conversation between Blowhole and McSlade right now: _"But I thought there were three more prisoners…?"_ McSlade would be asking with a confused kind of expression, whilst failing to appear in control of the situation to his men. _"No, everyone's here."_ Blowhole would reply, to anyone undoubtable lying, except to McSlade. _"But the records say…"_ McSlade would be countering,_ "Well the records are wrong. Count for yourself…"_ That could go on for a while. "Hans has been giving me some answers I've wanted for a long time."

"All he had to do was ask." Hans replied, "Not much of a point in keeping the secret now." He paused, "You three came out here looking for Manfredi and Johnson, right?" He asked.

"Our mission is classified." Skipper replied curtly, "So you discovered the spy ring. How did you find out about Skipper and Rockgut's mission?"

"I ordered it." Skipper rolled his eyes, annoyed at having believed Hans this far, and went to leave the job of watching Hans to Kowalski, who'd presumably learned his lesson about losing his temper.

"Very funny." Skipper answered dryly, banging on the trap door for Rico.

"I don't joke very often." Hans countered, and his tone made Skipper send Rico away. He gave Hans a glare that said he had one more chance, "Nigel might not have mentioned this, but one member of his ring wasn't found captured or killed like the rest. It was the leader at the time, in fact. His code name was puffin." Skipper's expression darkened, "They recruited him after his independent – and seemingly very successful – amateur ring interfered with one of their operations. He rose through the ranks pretty fast – luckily for him his direct superiors just kept meeting with accidents until he reached the top. By the way," He added, "I was 'the Puffin'. I'd been trying to crack that ring for months…"

"What, you thought 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'?" Skipper replied, "Then you changed your mind when two of Nigel's top agents practically handed themselves to you? That's called giving up, then changing your mind after a ridiculous stroke of luck. Catching Skipper was just that, luck."

"No, more like join and then destroy, it was all very much planned." Hans replied, "Anyway, after the ring was picked up by my men, I called Nigel to send someone to extract some information because I feared I was next, and to send his man. That afternoon I received a message from Nigel himself saying he'd send Buck Rockgut and some new up and coming agent – Skipper – and put me in charge of the operation on the Denmark end. Then I had Skipper and Special Agent Buck Rockgut. It was just too easy."

"Operation: Join and Destroy. I might use that some time." Grant replied sarcastically. "Thanks for the tip."

"I don't think my own plan is going to work on me, before you try." Hans pointed out, "You know, I saw something in you when you threw that – whatever it was – into the room." Hans spoke. Kowalski was already subtly hinting that now might be the right time for Skipper to leave. He recognized that tone from when Hans had bated him into acting rashly, which had nearly cost Doris her life. Kowalski, despite the evidence, didn't think from what he'd heard that Doris was capable of executing such a cold blooded crime, "If I'd tried to 'call your bluff', I know you would have been perfectly capable of doing nothing. You'd call it an accident later, of course, and you'd probably get away with it…"

"My acting's that convincing?" Grant replied.

"I consider myself a very good judge of people." Hans countered. He paused, studying Skipper's protégé for a moment, "There's something about you that I like, Grant. Tell me if you ever consider turning double."

"Considering your current position, I don't think you're going to need any double agents." Hans shrugged as if to say he'd find a way out.


	21. A Good Friend

"Lieutenant K'walski?" Private called through the floor. "Blowhole wants someone competent guarding his sister, Skipper agrees with him. Well, I don't mean to offend, but considering the incident earlier, Skipper thinks it's best if Captain Grant continues to watch Hans and you guard Doris until one of us can take over. Is that alright?"

"That's fine, Private." Kowalski replied as Rico removed the stove and he climbed back up into the barracks.

"I'll show you the way." Private offered as Rico replaced the stove. He seemed to have something on his mind he wasn't sure if he should mention, "K'walski, I'm told you're good with probabilities… Um," He finally started now they were outside, "for all the act he puts up, I'm not entirely sure Hans actually wanted to kill Doris, on some level, at least. I think if someone were to talk to him…?"

"Private, I have no idea what you're talking about." Kowalski interrupted the flood of words.

"Well, it's just, I mean, when your Skipper threw the grenade or whatever it was into the room, Hans needed to let go of Doris to kick the door open, but he could have killed her and done that – it probably would have been easier than to push her aside. I mean, maybe on some level he really does love her…" Kowalski shook his head.

"There's an explanation for why his first reaction wasn't to kill her, if you want my opinion, it could be anything from a knee jerk reaction or that for some disturbing reason killing her that quickly would be too fast for him, but your hypothesis is certainly incorrect."

* * *

><p>"Who's that?!" A woman's voice demanded. There was a series of metallic sounds as Doris fumbled ineffectively with the safety catch on the gun.<p>

"Skipper sent me to keep an eye on you, ma'am." Kowalski replied formally. "Would you like me to slide some identification under the door?" The door opened and Doris let the young lieutenant enter then shut the door after him with a shaking hand.

"So you're this other Kowalski I keep hearing about." She greeted nervously, trying to make small talk after a moment of silence. "You're not what Kowalski – my Kowalski – led me to believe."

"Well I hope your impression of me is more favourable, ma'am." Kowalski replied, still facing the door he was guarding dutifully, "Not that that matters, of course. Your personal opinions are irrelevant to my job, which is to keep you alive."

"I think I like you." She decided nevertheless, sitting down by her writing desk so Kowalski could both watch the door and she wouldn't be talking to his back. "Y'know, I don't think Kowalski doesn't have me followed," she pointed out, noticing Kowalski was still standing there like he was on guard duty, which he was, "you don't have to be some kind of robot. It's a little awkward, actually."

"Yes, ma'am." Kowalski replied, taking the chair Doris motioned to, though he was no less ready for action should someone he didn't know walk through that door. He glanced away briefly, taking a better look at the elegant blond who sat opposite him, her pale hands fidgeting nervously, "You appear quite shaken by the attempt on your life." He observed. He immediately silently cursed himself for the remark. Shaken by the attempt on her life? No kidding.

"No, actually, I wasn't really thinking about that." Doris replied, surprisingly sounding completely sincere, "He didn't actually mean it, I mean, maybe he was just a little angry…" She noticed Kowalski had raised an eyebrow, "It was a only misunderstanding, I'm sure once he has some time to calm down and sees sense he'll realize he's glad you Penguins stopped him. I'll bet someone was making him do it, brainwashing or blackmail…" Kowalski didn't seem any more convinced. In fact, Kowalski got the distinct impression she was trying to convince herself of it more than him.

"So if not the attempt on your life, what is bothering you?" Kowalski asked seriously. Doris at first looked gladly surprised he'd asked, then shook her head.

"Listen to me going on about me, you don't actually want to hear all this." She smiled apologetically as if she'd seen through his motives, assuming he was simply asking since it was polite, "So, you're a chemist?" She asked. She'd found the best way to start a conversation with the scientists she knew was to ask about their field of interest.

"No, I'd like to know what's bothering you." Kowalski countered sincerely, "Whatever's on your mind has to be serious if it's worse than almost being killed." Kowalski had never met a person yet who'd given an answer like Doris. Doris appeared more than slightly surprised by his reply.

"Well," She replied, taking a pause to collect her thoughts. It seemed she'd never encountered anyone interested enough to try to explain her feelings in words for, "It's this whole South America thing." Kowalski asked her to elaborate and she detailed Hans' plan to desert to South America. "Hans says I have to go with him, we are married after all, and it's probably not very safe for me to stay here." She concluded, thought with a note of uncertainty.

"I doubt Kowalski agrees with him." Kowalski prompted.

"No, he doesn't, he says I should go to New York with him." She replied, however, her tone lacked the enthusiasm Kowalski would have expected.

"You don't want to go?" Kowalski asked.

"I do, I mean, I… what makes you think that I wouldn't?" Doris stuttered.

"You just don't look happy about going." Kowalski answered simply. Doris looked down at her hands.

"I just don't know." She finally replied, "I mean, I should go with Hans, it's my duty as a wife and it would be mean of me to turn around and say no…"

"You've been having an affair – for want of a more elegant phrasing – with Kowalski for the last few years, which Hans has been well aware of. If he had any feelings…" Doris went to protest, "I mean, I think you've already made your position clear." Doris winced.

"But I really ought to." She countered. Kowalski still didn't understand this duty she thought she owed Hans, but sensed contesting it wouldn't get very far, "On the other hand, there's New York…"

"But you don't like the idea of New York either?" Kowalski pointed out. Doris nodded quietly, then shook her head.

"Kowalski says I have to go with him," She replied almost childishly, "It's just…" She paused, "it's so far away, especially from my brother, and I'm not sure I'd be all that welcome there, and it's such a big step and I'd have to leave everything and everyone behind, I'd never be able to go back and I'm just not sure…" She was going to say something else, but changed her mind. "I wish I was like Marlene, she'd say I'm just being silly and spoiled now, complaining about this..."

"And that's just Marlene's opinion." Kowalski interrupted. Doris commented to herself that he sounded like some kind of doctor, "Everything is relative, including your problems."

"But anyway - you prefer facts, right?" Kowalski shrugged as if to say it was up to her. Doris paused, then decided Kowalski likely preferred facts, "The problem is, I'm going to have to choose soon," Doris continued, her hands now twisting themselves into Gordian knots, "and they both say I have to go with them…"

"Doris." Kowalski interrupted. Doris looked up. "You do what you want to do and what you think is right."

"But…?"

"It doesn't matter." Kowalski stated firmly. Doris went silent, "This is your life, think about what you want to do – like you said, you aren't going back on this. You don't have to do anything because Hans or Kowalski says you have to or says you should. It's not about them, and if either of them truly loves you, they will understand regardless of whether you choose to stay or go to New York or South America – and if they don't they have no right to be with someone as wonderful as you." Kowalski stood up, returning professionally to his position by the door. At first Doris did nothing, seemingly stunned by the words spoken with such heartfelt meaning in the concise structure of a doctor's diagnosis. Then suddenly she gave the lieutenant a warm hug, though it was a sisterly one.

"Thanks." She said. She smiled gratefully as she returned to her chair. "You must be a great friend to have, especially for Captain Grant."

"Only doing my job ma'am." Kowalski replied, returning the smile, "I specialize in providing useful options for people in difficult situations."

"Hey, Kowalski!" his Skipper called through the door, "Blowhole's going to take over from you." Kowalski opened the door.

"Yes, sir." Kowalski replied.

"Head back to the HQ and get some shut eye." Skipper ordered, "I want all my men at their best, trying to find as a way out of this mess."

"Yes, sir." Kowalski replied again, "Ma'am." Kowalski nodded formally to Doris and started out the door.

"I'm gonna think about what you said." Doris spoke. "Thanks again."

"It was no problem, ma'am." Kowalski answered. Blowhole was walking down the hall towards his sister, so Grant left with him.

"What was that about?" Skipper asked when they were outside.

"She just needed a friend and a little advice, Skipper." Kowalski replied. Skipper shrugged.


	22. Skipper's Gut and Kowalski Finally Agree

The moment Kowalski saw the small procession emerging from Blowhole's quarters, he was on his feet. Doris' form, her eyes downcast, looked small and helpless surrounded by the quartet of McSlade's men, her brother trailing along equally useless to do anything. Because of either the rain that turned the camp into dull greys, or Doris' sickly pale skin with the plain colourless dress and her sleep deprived eyes, or Kowalski's 78% certainty that he knew where she was doing, it seemed like a funeral procession.

"What's going on?" Kowalski demanded, catching up with McSlade, "Where are you taking her?"

"Well," McSlade began, sounding suspiciously like he was trying to disguise the fact he was quite pleased with himself under a façade of remorse, "the victim was an officer, so we have to make an example of her and due to the fact this has the potential to become a highly publicized case…" McSlade decided this was a point that required more said on it, "Unfortunately, the situation is _media gold_," the 'unfortunately' didn't sound all that sincere, "I mean, we've got a love triangle, espionage, all tied in with a pilot tragically torn down from the sky by the loss of his eye, a powerful and charismatic general - with a full head of hair - laying down the law… Anyhow," McSlade returned to why he was relocating Doris, "I've decided it's best to move her to my headquarters for sentencing… I mean, trial," He hurriedly corrected. Doris shivered. "Anyway, it's all been arranged." He motioned for them to start moving again.

"There's nothing you can do, Kowalski," Doris whispered as she was led away, "I'm going to try to keep your name out of this; we have to preserve your good name…"

"My reputation's been in pieces since the lab accident, and what's reputation anyway?" Kowalski snapped back, marching after McSlade, "You're not taking her anywhere, McSlade," McSlade didn't even grace Kowalski with a retort, "Look," Kowalski continued without even pausing to think, "I worked on some pretty important stuff back stateside: airplanes, tanks, code breaking machines…"

"Whoa, Kowalski." Skipper immediately interrupted, "Look, he's just saying anything to get Doris released, he was only the head of the extraction team for the real genius…" Skipper pulled Kowalski aside before the scientist started spilling classified information to prove he knew it. "Kowalski!" Skipper hissed, giving the scientist a solid slap across the face. Kowalski stopped fighting against Skipper, shook his head and seemed to come to his senses, "Do you want to get us all turned over to some else like Hans? Me, Doris, Private, Marlene, not to mention our boys who they're going to turn your science experiments loose on?!" Kowalski nodded, but still seemed no less determined to find some way to stop Doris walking out that gate, even if it meant that.

"But what if Hans reappears, Skipper?" Kowalski hissed, a new idea suddenly occurring to him, "There's no murder if he isn't dead."

"But Hans is thoroughly convinced Doris tried to kill him and is going to say as much, if he doesn't kill her himself the first chance he gets." Skipper countered.

"We could kill him for real?" Blowhole suggested, "Then pin it on someone else?"

"Who would we pin it on?" Kowalski countered, "We can't pin it on any of ours, and you won't pin it on your lobsters. We can't pin it on McSlade or Blue because they'd cover up the evidence that doesn't point to Doris so fast we wouldn't know what hit us." Blowhole nodded reluctantly. "Neither of us can offer ourselves because then everything about last year would come out and Doris would be in the same position, only accused of spying."

"You're right, even with someone else it would get all of us in a lot of hot water too," Skipper added disappointedly, "someone like Hans seemingly dies twice in your POW camp and you had no idea what was going on? There's going to be an investigation bigger than McSlade and they'll find stuff that will put all of us in the same position as Doris." A light seemed to switch on above Kowalski's head.

"Get McSlade to let her go or we tell McSlade everything about last year." Kowalski threatened. Blowhole gave him a disappointed look.

"She's my sister, Kowalski, I'm already doing everything I can." Blowhole was, regrettably, telling the truth. The two teams and Blowhole watched helplessly as Doris was loaded into McSlade's staff car by the gates and Kowalski waited for the car to begin to drive away. Nothing happened. The car wouldn't start.

"Put the prisoner back in her quarters." Kowalski heard McSlade order with more than a trace of annoyance. McSlade walked over to Blowhole.

"I would seem I'm having some engine problems." He grumbled, "There's going to be a small delay."

"Take as long as you want." Blowhole replied, eyeing the car suspiciously. It was then Skipper realized that the Ricos were no longer among them. He spotted the two weapons experts standing over off to the side, looking so innocent they had to be up to something. Skipper immediately started towards them.

"What happened to McSlade's car?" Skipper demanded, though he had a feeling he already knew. Rico grinned, holding up a metal object, and confirming Skipper's suspicions.

"M'Slade ain' goin' 'owhere wi'out this part." The other Rico elaborated.

"A'least till they r'place th' part." Rico added. Skipper grinned.

"That'll give us about an hour to sabotage something else." Alius calculated, "Actually, McSlade's probably going to take about an hour off for lunch, so make that two. Still," He grimaced, "we're only stalling. The only way we're going to get Ms Blowhole out of this mess is if we find out who really tried to kill Hans." Both Skippers agreed on that.

"Me and Rico'll see what we can do about delaying McSlade some more." Captain Grant spoke. He noticed his Rico's counterpart was looking at him hopefully, "You can come too." He agreed. His attention moved to Alius, and he opened his mouth to say something, but he caught his lieutenant's eye and recognized the look. He shut his mouth again. "I guess that covers us." Grant spoke, and started in the direction of the motor pool. When they went to repair that car, they'd find all the spare parts missing and the same part missing from every easily compatible engine."

"I'm going to see if Doris is alright." Private announced, starting in the direction Doris had been sent in.

"Kowalski," Skipper spoke, starting in the direction of the barracks now it seemed it was just the two of them, "You're really gonna hate what I'm about to say, so shut up about it till I'm finished, alright?"

"Alright." Kowalski replied.

"My gut's telling me something about this isn't right…"

"Oh come on, Skipper!" Skipper hadn't actually thought he'd be able to finish his sentence, "Your digestive system is neither psychic, a sane thing to have a conversation with nor smarter than me and it's what you claim is it's excellent track record is mere coincidence…"

"Just listen, Kowalski!" skipper interrupted, then quickly realized he was just going to have to speak over his friend. Even pulling rank wouldn't get Kowalski to quiet down when it came to mentions of Skipper's gut, as of late, "Something about this doesn't feel right, somehow I think even if we had the charges against Doris dropped, she'd just be in more danger. For some reason my gut thinks Doris was the target of all this. I know it makes no sense, I mean, if you wanna hurt someone why kill the guy who's messing up her life, but…" He trailed off when he noticed he was no longer talking over Kowalski.

"You know, I have a theory about your gut." Kowalski spoke. Skipper sighed in exasperation, knowing Kowalski was just about to make some demeaning comment about Skipper's sixth sense, and waited for it, ready to refute it with what he hoped would turn out to be a witty comeback, "I think your gut isn't your gut, it's your brain. See, I borrowed this book from Alius…"

"Is he ever gonna see it back?" Skipper asked suspiciously. Kowalski's expression wasn't promising for the other Kowalski.

"Anyway, I think your 'gut' is actually your subconscious, computing facts you don't even think you remember, expressing itself via…" It was clear Skipper couldn't make heads or tails of what Kowalski was saying, but was merely waiting for the attack on his gut. Any minute now… "Anyway, I came to a similar conclusion. I agree with you about Doris being the target."

"You what?" Skipper exclaimed as the meaning of the first two sentences that had emerged from the drone of words he couldn't understand hit him full on.

"Yes, Skipper, I agree with you – you, not your gut, since your gut isn't really your gut." So that was why Kowalski had said all that extra stuff, he just couldn't bring himself to agree with Skipper's gut. But Skipper knew Kowalski was agreeing with his gut, he'd make a point of it later, "And I did it using logic, not hunches." He added, to reaffirm that his conclusion was better. "I am, after all, a man of science."


	23. Barry

"I agree with your subconscious or whatever your gut really is:" Kowalski explained, "after all, Hans' almost-killer seemed to know a lot about Hans since he knew about the lock pick and the knife – though he missed the second gun, which tells us our attempted killer has never tried to kill Hans before, or in other words, that rules out you and me. He was also extremely meticulous and well prepared…"

"He?" Skipper interrupted.

"Yes, I think 'he'." Kowalski repeated, "I know Doris didn't do it, and equally McSlade's theory about two killers is just ridiculous. Anyway, he goes to so much trouble to smuggle in second body, plant Hans' spare uniform and some personal effects and search Hans for anything he could possibly use to escape. And yet he fails to remove a loose nail in the woodwork within reach of Hans? Also, for someone who seemed to know a fair bit about setting fires, he covered the walls with gasoline first so Hans was able to safely drop to the floor and escape the building while the fire was dramatic enough for everyone to be distracted by it. I think that Hans was supposed to survive," Kowalski concluded, "survive so that he could finger Doris as his attempted killer or so he'd kill her – and his attempted killer could reasonably expect Hans would do it more painfully and creatively than he could. After all, what more damning evidence is there in an attempted murder trial than the testimony of the victim?"

"Seems we're on the same page." Skipper concurred.

"Yes, I just couldn't accept Hans' theory that somebody just _happened_ to be hiding another body in that shed either wearing or sitting next to a pile of Hans' personal effects and uniform." Kowalski added that just to point out that he'd been thinking on his theory first. "However, this leaves us with exactly the same motive problem as before."

"Why?"

"At first, there were no obvious suspects before since practically everyone in this camp wanted to kill Hans. Now, we have the same problem because I can't think of a single person who would want to hurt Doris." A scream, Doris' scream interrupted Kowalski before he could begin to express his next thought. This was almost followed by a man's yell of pain and terror that was cut horribly short, the origins of both sounds being on the far side of Doris' quarters. The moment they'd heard the scream Skipper and Kowalski were running towards the building.

Before they could round the corner, Alius came into view with a curious kind of expression, the front of his uniform splattered with blood and his hands dripped red with it. Kowalski and Skipper continued around to the back of the building. The blood, fortunately, hadn't belonged to Doris. Kowalski could hear Private comforting her inside. Lying dead on the ground under the window was Barry, a knife similar to the one Hans had carried, though definitely not the same, in the centre of a growing bloodstain.

"He tripped." Alius spoke simply as if this were explanation enough.

"How?" Kowalski asked. The casual manner in which Alius had said 'he tripped' reminded him too much of what criminals in the movies whose antagonizing feature was that nothing could ever be pinned on them claimed in these situations. Kowalski rarely held things he saw at the pictures as reliable sources, but ignoring that unreliable evidence, something didn't seem right about the situation.

"I'd decided to discretely keep an eye on Ms Blowhole when I caught him heading in the direction of Ms Blowhole's quarters."Alius answered. "I approached, however, he was accidentally alerted to my presence by an unfortunately placed twig. He began to run, remaining on his previous trajectory and a chase ensued…"

"Yeah, I saw part of it," Grant concurred, "The guy was holding a gun and generally looking suspicious, Kowalski tried to apprehend him, but he tripped and fell on his own knife before Kowalski caught him."

"At what point did he draw his knife?" Kowalski asked. Grant paused, "He must have been holding the knife to fall on it."

"He drew his knife when he realized I'd spotted him." Alius explained, "I think he decided on the knife because if I caught up to him he wanted to be able to quietly silence me so as not to alert anyone else who could be guarding Ms Blowhole."

"Do you know who he was?" Skipper asked, looking at the corpse. Certainly, he could have fallen, but it was a gruesome fall.

"Yes sir: 'Barry' AKA "The Dart Frog" AKA – the list is extensive. Known associate of Hans, possibly second in command. Had a reputation as…" Clearly Skipper knew this too, "I'd considered that reason enough for suspicion." Skipper nodded.

"Private!" He called. The boy poked his head out the window, "What happened here?"

"I don't know, sir." Private replied, "I saw Barry approaching and me and Doris went to find cover. When I finally looked, Barry was where he was and K'walski was standing over him, y'know, covered in…"

"You aren't seriously putting my man on trial after he saved the lives of your Private and Ms Blowhole?" Grant demanded angrily, "I'd give him a medal."

"Well there is cause for some suspicion…" Skipper countered.

"Okay, say Kowalski did kill him, what of it? It's self-defence." Grant argued. _It would be, as long as Barry had had time to realize Alius was there_, Kowalski thought, "And it's war. But your orders were to try to take prisoners over corpses, for evidence reasons, so that was what he tried to do. The only reason we're arguing about this is because of your jealous lieutenant…"

"So he's dead, right?" Blowhole asked, looking down at the bloody corpse.

"I didn't check." Grant replied offhandedly, and attempted to return to arguing his lieutenant's case. Kazoo bent down and checked for a pulse.

"He's got a pulse!" Kazoo exclaimed. Immediately McSlade's men descended on Barry in a flurry of bandages, and moments later were preparing to move him, fighting their way through a crowd of intrigued lobsters and prisoners. Alius and Grant looked at each other.

"He's not going to recover consciousness." Alius spoke in answer to what he thought was Skipper's silent question.

"I just covered for you there, Kowalski. Did you…?"

"He tripped, sir." Kowalski replied firmly to Skipper's questioning expression, "And Doris is safe."

"I don't care all that much if you did kill him or didn't." Skipper shrugged, but still seemed to be studying Kowalski, "So you stayed to protect Ms Blowhole, huh…?"

"Yeah, it's good thing I did." Kowalski called over his shoulder as he walked off.

"And where are you going?"

"To assist the Ricos in disabling as many cars as possible." Kowalski replied.

* * *

><p>"So it seems like Barry was the killer." Private concluded. "I mean, attempted killer."<p>

"Hm…" Kowalski answered, staring off into space, only occasionally glancing down at his clip board. Clearly he wasn't going to be any conversation, but Private took the thoughtful 'hm' as a yes.

"Well, uh, other Kowalski, thanks for, y'know, saving me and Doris." Private spoke.

"Statistically things seemed to be too quiet, something was going to happen." Alius replied distractedly, "Uh, I mean, you're welcome."

"So… when do we let Hans go?" Private asked. Once again he didn't get a response. "I mean, we might not like the idea of turning him loose on the world again, but we can't just keep moving him all over camp and it's really not ethical to…"

"Whatever we're doing, we're not just letting him go." Skipper answered. "Anyway, now we just need to wait for Barry to wake up or for McSlade to search his effects and realize like us that Barry…"

"Barry didn't try to kill Hans." Kowalski suddenly interrupted.

"Well, sure, he would have needed some's help to move the body, he's kind of a small guy, but…"

"No, he wasn't part of that at all." Kowalski corrected. Alius glared at him as if he were about to say that but Kowalski beat him to it by a few seconds. "Think about it, Skipper, what possible motive did he have to try to pretend to try to kill Hans to frame Doris?" Skipper had to agree he couldn't think of any reason Barry would have anything against Doris. His attempt on her life was actually somewhat of a mystery, "And anyway, incredibly detailed plans don't fit the Dart Frog's profile. He's certainly sadistic enough to pull something like that off, but he's more impulsive than devious. He'd lose patience just trying to procure the other body."

"Skipper!" There was a knocking sound from the false wall where Kowalski's lab and now Hans were hidden, "I can tell you why Barry went after Doris." The penguins looked at each other. This had to be a mind game. "It's pretty obvious, and I've got written, if slightly charred, evidence of it." Kowalski moved the loose panel aside. "Thanks. Anyway, it's because I told him to."

"Tha' crazy." Rico countered. "We bee' watchin' 'oo."

"I told him to do it." Hans repeated, "Can somebody give me my notebook?" He pointed to a small black leather note book they'd taken out of one of his pockets. Grant examined it for lock picks or traps, then handed it to him. Hans flicked through the pages before finding the page he wanted, "Yes, I told him to do it on… the day's been burned away, but some time in either October or September 1941." He heard Kowalski muttering something about the chemicals he was sitting next to messing with his mind, "It's right here." He handed Kowalski the note book, pointing out the entry. "You'll find it says that in the event of something happening to me to, if possible, kill the guy who did it, and to dispose of any security risks, so anyone who was too close to me. Doris fits both criteria, so even if he didn't have the brains to work out that Doris was the one who 'killed' me, she's still a liability."

"That seems to be about right," Kowalski concurred, "I've cracked some of the letters and a few words by frequency analysis and by…"

"Yeah, wonderful." Skipper interrupted angrily. It would have been much simpler if Barry had been behind all of it. "I wanna go talk to Doris again." He stormed towards the door.

"These post mortem contingencies," Skipper heard Alius ask as Skipper left, "Just how many of them do you have?"

"How many pages have been written in?" Hans replied, "More than enough to cause a lot of problems for Skipper over the next couple of months. I'd better come back to life fairly soon, by the way."

"That's a morbid way of thinking of things." Alius pointed out.

"I've never fooled myself into thinking I'd make it to old age, and – my case in point – it's always the ones closest to you that you think you can trust that turn on you. I just want to make sure whoever it is gets what's coming to them even if they got me before I knew what hit me." Distracted by something he was writing on his clipboard, Alius was caught off guard as Hans grabbed the notebook from his hand, tossing it in the direction of the lab work bench. A second later, it was disintegrating in a beaker of a colourless chemical. Maybe it hadn't been the best idea to put him next to a table of dangerous chemicals.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry Skipper, but you aren't going to be able to talk to her." McSlade greeted, walking towards the group he'd spotted walking towards Doris' quarters. Blowhole wasn't far behind him, his eyes downcast in hopelessness, "By the way, we found a piece of paper in Barry's pocket, a note to self of some kind. He'd worked out that Doris was behind all of it and he tried to kill her as per the victim's orders. Creepy, but the case against her grows stronger. We've found a car that works, and my men have put it under close guard, so we'll be moving her about in about, oh, five minutes..." Skipper's eyes, which had previously been staring into space, suddenly came into focus.<p>

"I can prove she didn't do it." Skipper interrupted.

"Now really," McSlade chided, "I've had enough of these childish attempts to stall the inevitable…"

"Just give me half an hour," Skipper interrupted, "And I'll give you the killer."


	24. The Drawing Room Scene (pt1)

"Skipper, I need more than half an hour to just set up the all different tests to determine the percent compositions of the mud!" Kowalski protested the moment they were out of earshot, "I can't just look at two mud samples from almost the same area and tell if they are from exactly the same area, not to mention the fact that one of the samples is highly contaminated: and by that I mean, dragged through other areas of mud, burned, then dragged through more mud. All I have to do is locate the layer of mud accumulated before the fire and test it to see if it matches mud from the area around the storage shed, but that's still very precise work…"

"Then fake it," Skipper interrupted, "I'm almost certain of the results anyway, we just have to make them look sciency so people believe them."

"Skipper, I can't do that, that's academically dishonest…"

"Well you can be academically whatever-you-said or you can watch a re-play of the event that started all this, just substitute Doris for Hans." Skipper snapped, only to notice his lieutenant's eyes were no longer on him, "Kowalski, this is not the kind of debate that the silent treatment can win…" It was then Skipper noticed Kowalski was intently examining an experiment Alius seemed intent on.

"What?" The other scientist demanded when Kowalski's gaze started to become a bit too conspicuous.

"Just what exactly are you working on…?" Alius winced, and stepped away from the work space.

"I've been working on that since I got here." He moaned, but, taking the loss fairly well, left to procure one of Hans' boots.

After fewer tests than Kowalski had expected, he had the results: not all of the layer of mud under the ash matched the mud from around the shed or really anywhere in the camp, and the ash on the clothes didn't match the ash from the burned storage shed.

* * *

><p>"You might have noticed barracks 3 has been doing a little detective work," Skipper spoke. All eyes in Blowhole's office were on him. Gathered in the room was both teams, Maurice, Phil and Mason, as well as Blowhole, Doris, Miss Blue, Barry was conscious so he'd been brought out (though Alius still held he was living on borrowed time), McSlade and Kazoo. "And I can now tell you the name of the person behind Hans and Ted's murders." Skipper deliberately dragged out the intense silence, the suspects all looking at each other nervously.<p>

"Can we bring him in now?" Grant called from outside.

"Go ahead." Skipper answered. The door opened and Hans was marched in. McSlade looked like he was about to have a heart attack, Doris looked like she was going to burst into tears, Blue watched the situation passively, as if intrigued by the new card Skipper was playing. Blowhole equally didn't appear too surprised, more suspicious of what Skipper was up to, Barry scowled and muttered something about 'enough with the faked deaths already'. Phil and Mason jumped back a step, while Maurice grumbled something about it not being surprising since it appeared impossible to kill the guy, and finally Kazoo glared at Blowhole as if to ask why he hadn't been told about this. The teams had known what Skipper was doing. "The killer, well, attempted killer, just confirmed their identity." Skipper spoke. The room went silent, "Aside from, Blowhole, my team, and Doris who already knew Hans was alive, only one of you showed no surprise at Hans' return from the grave." Skipper's eyes locked on Miss Blue, "That was you, but I'd already known it would be."

"Why would I be unsurprised if I thought I'd killed him?" Blue asked calmly.

"Oh, me and Kowalski worked that out early on," Skipper replied, "you let him escape, because the real target was Doris." Hans looked from Blue to Doris in a confused kind of manor, as did much of the rest of the room. "You're smarter than Doris, you realized weeks, maybe even years ago that Hans was just playing you, but you'd always known you could expect nothing less from him, so oddly enough it didn't bother you too much. Then you met Kowalski, and that was it for Hans. You probably would have just forgotten him, but you now had one, very serious problem: Kowalski's completely devoted to Doris, he'd never so much as look at you. Well, there was only one thing you could do, which was to get rid of Doris." Blue still gave no reaction, so Skipper continued:

"Ted wasn't killed by Hans. Hans, of course, didn't plan to honour his agreement, only Kowalski was next, not Ted." Skipper explained. Hans agreed that Skipper was entirely correct, "It seemed strange to Kowalski that Hans kept raiding his personal library, first for a book on cats, then Kowalski's beloved first volume of Philosophy Nature Principles…"

"Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica." Kowalski corrected.

"Yeah, that book. Anyway, we all know Hans studies the people he goes after: Elmer's greatest fear, and slight obsession, was his hatred of cats, so a book on cats would sound like a good place to get a glimpse into his psyche, and Kowalski's been carrying that Philosophy Nature book around," Kowalski huffed indignantly, "since collage, and it's full of his annotations, so once again the best way to study him."

"Why'd she kill Ted and blame it on me?" Hans asked.

"To force a confrontation between the two of you," Alius answered, "Elmer, Doris could write off as a suicide, but with Ted there was no denying you were killing prisoners and intended to kill a whole lot more. Being forced to see your true nature would certainly cause conflict."

"Y'know, I could have just kept my eyes shut, even after Elmer," Doris concurred quietly, "But Ted was too much."

"The attempted killer couldn't be anyone but Blue." Kowalski continued, "Skipper can sneak up on just about everyone – in fact, I'd never met someone he couldn't aside from Buck Rockgut until this week. Skipper was unable to sneak up on Hans when Hans was trying to kill Doris, so if Skipper couldn't I don't think anyone else in this camp could. Well, if the killer couldn't approach Hans unnoticed, how was he knocked out without seeing his attacker? The only way would be to drug him, but if it were so easy to just poison his food or something, Kitka or Blowhole would have killed him long before now. Blue was providing Hans' pain medication, so she simply swapped the drug with something else that would knock him out. She could also control when that was, too: she knew exactly when Hans would take the medicine so she could time it so he would collapse directly after the confrontation with Doris – which she caused by suggesting that Doris talk to Kowalski at a time she knew Doris and Hans would bump into each other."

"Doris leaves, Hans collapses, Blue probably hit him over the head while he was out to support the theory he'd been knocked out by a blow to the head, and Blue and an accomplice – whose name we are going to find out – move the body to Hans' car…"

"But the building's right there?" McSlade countered.

"Not exactly. That was why I asked Kowalski to test the ashes on Hans' clothes and the mud on boots:" Skipper answered, "the ashes from the two fires and the mud on his boots did not match the ashes and mud from inside the camp, so the burning building Hans woke up in was elsewhere. In fact, you'll probably find a small, burned out wooden structure somewhere within a few hours wandering distance of where we found Hans. Once at this other place, Blue took his gun, knife and lock pick as well as the pain killers, because Kowalski could probably take one look at them and realize they weren't pain killers. Then she and her accomplice chained Hans to the rafters. She planted the nail and set the fire and waited for Hans to escape, recording the whole thing with Kowalski's tape recorder. Still disoriented from being concussed and the effects of the drug, Hans couldn't tell the camp from Fifth Avenue as he stumbled out. Hans either collapsed from his injuries or Blue was easily about to sneak up on him now, either way, he was drugged again and left somewhere out of sight in the nearby area. Then she left the car for our escape.

"Blue then returned to the camp and planted the items she'd taken from Hans in the storage shed along with a second body she'd already smuggled in wearing one of Hans' uniforms. She and her accomplice chained that body to the ceiling just like Hans. She then set the fire and started Kowalski's tape recorder, which wasn't suspicious to find in the ashes since Blowhole had confiscated it weeks ago and locked it in that storage shed. The recording accounts for what Private and Kowalski heard, and the walls were set to burn first so the tape recorder would be able to play and not start to burn before the roof collapsed." Blue was now smiling slightly, as if pleased at her work. For a moment hers and Kowalski's eyes met and he immediately recoiled. Blue scowled. "But she still wasn't done."


	25. The Drawing Room Scene (pt2)

"The investigation was going exactly as planned, but K'walski still couldn't believe Doris was guilty despite all the evidence that pointed against her," Private sighed, "How terribly romantic. Anyhow, Blue's advances were rejected, I don't think K'walski actually realized at all, he just thought she was acting a bit odd. But Blue had prepared for the possibility that she might be rejected, which was why she didn't actually kill Hans."

"Blue returned to the woods and gave Hans another drug to counteract the first, intending that he'd wake up again in a few hours," Grant continued, "She'd known that with my team and Skipper's in the same camp an escape attempt was going to happen sooner rather than later. She'd heard about exactly when and where - we didn't exactly keep it a secret since that was part of the plan - and probably worked out the whole thing. Her specialty's prediction, so she might have even worked out the plan when she heard my team had been caught and was going to be transferred to Blowhole's camp, which, as we've mentioned before – I think – is why she left the car. We needed to find the car because conceivably we could have disappeared anywhere, and she needed us to find Hans. But if we took the car we'd have to head down to the main road, which was the direction Hans would head in if he was trying to find civilization and was too disoriented to work out where he was; he'd follow the sound of the road. Once we got him back to camp to question him…"

"Hans was thoroughly convinced that Doris had tried to kill him, but even then Kowalski had decided to ignore the seemingly solid evidence for the first time in his life," Skipper interrupted. No matter what, he was concluding the story, "I'm guessing Blue tipped off Barry after Hans failed to kill Doris as predicted." Skipper paused, building suspense before his carefully prepared closing statement, "Now…"

"You're quite right about all that," Blue interrupted, much to Skipper's dismay, "I'd thought, well, if anyone can convince him Doris was guilty, it was the victim himself. I thought it was a pretty ingenious plan."

"So you're admitting your guilt?" McSlade asked incredibly, "That whole story was true?"

"Yes." She replied, "It's not really all that unusual." Then her attention moved to Kowalski, "See, I did all that for you, don't you think it was clever?" she smiled as if that were supposed to be romantic, "See I'm more than worthy of your intelligence, and you can see I'm more than devoted. We'll be perfect together." Kowalski, however, looked the opposite of wooed by this. "So?"

"You are one very disturbed person." Kowalski barely managed to speak. His eyes rested on Doris with an apologetic kind of expression and Skipper could see he was already blaming himself for all of this. Skipper set aside a half hour that evening for trying to force him to realize the truth that it wasn't his fault the homicidal Miss Blue had picked him out of the crowd.

"Kowalski?!" Blue exclaimed her tone making it clear she did not want to believe what he'd just said, but Kowalski wasn't even reacting at this point, he'd receded into a corner of the room and it was clear he was still trying to figure the whole thing out. Skipper grimaced. Maybe he shouldn't have told his lieutenant it was only a ridiculous theory to get Doris off the hook.

"Skipper, permission to step outside?" Kowalski muttered, though he was already leaving. Skipper let him. Blue protested violently, but Kowalski shut the door behind him, heading back to the barracks.

"Well," Spoke Blowhole, finally snapping out of his shock, "I guess my sister is free to go?"

"Uh… yes, certainly. I trust we can keep this whole misunderstanding to ourselves?" McSlade replied, and seemed to finally get a grasp of the situation, "And, um, uh, somebody arrest Miss Blue." Two lobsters and one of McSlade's men who'd been listening at the key hole took this as their cue, cautiously approaching Blue who was now standing by herself in the centre of the room, everyone had quickly abandoned her. Blue didn't at all seem concerned about them; she was still staring in the direction of the door Kowalski had left from.

"Keep your hands where we can see them." One of the lobsters ordered while the other one took her gun from its holster. "Alright, get moving." It was on that command that Blue's attention suddenly snapped away from the door. Her eyes locked onto Private.

"Private, Red Squirrel. Code 378."

No sooner had the words left her mouth than Private snapped into that eerie trance. Almost in one motion he'd relieved one of the lobsters of his rifle and grabbed Doris roughly by the arm, holding the terrified woman between him and the weapons that everyone in the room had drawn. The rifle rested threateningly against Doris' neck, Blue cautiously began to move towards the automaton like Private and the hostage.

"Thank you Private." She smiled, "You all wanted to know who 'the accomplice' was?" She nodded to the brainwashed boy, "Between the two of us we were able to accomplish all the heavy lifting, and of course, it was helpful to be certain that someone would be able to describe the argument just how I wanted it."

"But I…!" Hans went to protest as half the room shot him a glare.

"Oh, you thought you'd undone it, but not before I'd gotten to him first." Blue countered. She noticed the two teams and their unwilling star witness were still stood in front of the door. "I'm going to leave now." She stated, "And Private here doesn't have any qualms about shooting Doris if you don't move within the next few seconds." The team looked at each other anxiously, which Blue took as doubt. She snatched the gun from Private, leaving the boy to stand unresponsive against the wall as she made her way towards the door. "That would be now." She prompted, a darker note entering her tone. Skipper still looked reluctant. He had no doubt Blue would kill Doris if he did nothing, but equally once Blue no longer needed a hostage she certainly wasn't going to let the woman she thought stood between her and Kowalski live.

"Why does everyone have to threaten Doris, never me or Kowalski or Marlene?" Hans sighed, "It's getting kind of boring actually." He snatched the catatonic Blowhole's pistol, disinterestedly aiming it at Blue.

"You should take it as a complement." Grant replied, "They really believe you're one of those self-sacrificing types where threatening you would t make much of a difference." Blue scoffed.

"Shows how much you know about him." She countered. Grant took that as a good reaction to his banter. Skipper could see him trying to work out how he could use the discovery that she was unable to leave an incorrect fact unchallenged to stall for more time.

"I'm really a pretty selfish guy." Hans concurred, "As Doris will tell you if she ever comes to her senses, I only married her father knows people and she was a good informant." Blue, however, was getting impatient.

"Out of the way." She ordered. The two teams moved, but Hans still stayed where he was.

"Alright, the fun's over, Blue," Hans spoke, now sounding slightly irritated, "I don't care one way or another if you kill her or not, but I don't like the idea of letting someone who nearly burned me alive walk out of here." Blue's eyes narrowed.

"Well if I'm not getting out of here, neither is Doris." She spoke simply. Her finger increased its pressure on the trigger.

"Stop!" Hans suddenly exclaimed much to the surprise of the whole room and Blue with more than a note of desperation in his voice, "Just don't…!" Blue paused, frowning as if this were an anomaly. Hans grimaced and seemed to make a decision. "Let her go, you can take me instead." He finally spoke. The majority of the room might actually want to kill him, but they also knew that if anything happened to him it would be a lot more trouble than it was worth. "And…" Hans started, but couldn't think of anything that would outdo Blue's desire to kill Doris.

"Drop the gun." She ordered. The weapon clattered to the floor. Retaining her grip on Doris, Blue took a step forward. Suddenly Doris was stumbling in the direction of her brother and Hans was caught in Blue's vice like grip. Skipper stared at the exchange in disbelief.

"Why did I ever doubt you?" Blue sighed, and Hans now looked thoroughly confused, "And I consider myself able to read you – you've cared about me all along, you just couldn't make yourself admit it because of that argument we had when we were fifteen."

"Uh, yes, that's correct." He replied, though his expression clearly betrayed the fact the last person in the world he wanted to be in the same room with was her. Blowhole moved to fire, but checked himself, realizing that Hans would still be directly in the crossfire. He really couldn't afford that kind of investigation and scrutiny. McSlade came to a similar conclusion.

"You've just made me realize how Kowalski was just a school girl crush," She continued, "It's just like in one of those movies, you've been there all the time…" Just Blue walked out the door Hans shot Doris one last look, a mixture of apology and fear. Then they were gone. A few seconds later they heard McSlade's staff car drive out of the camp.

"Birds of a feather." McSlade muttered dismissively, "I don't see what he was so worried about, though, he's found kindred spirit to run away to South America with."

"Oh, he's got reason to be worried," Blowhole countered, "Blue's clearly unstable but she's brilliant; how long before he does something she doesn't like?" At this Doris winced and Blowhole started back towards her quarters with her.

"They'll probably kill each other by the end of the week at the latest." Grant concurred, somewhat insensitively, "Hey, when are we going to wake up the kid? Kowalski, do something about him." Alius started to move towards Private to start the process of trying to work out how to snap him out of his trance, but Skipper stopped him.

"I just want us all to agree something before I wake up the kid." Skipper spoke gravely, "He never had anything to do with this."

"Agreed." Replied the room unanimously.


	26. A Decision

"Everyone ready?" Skipper whispered.

"All ready, Skipper." Kowalski whispered back excitedly. Nobody objected.

"Private, you get the honour of going first." Skipper ordered. Private still didn't understand why Skipper was being so nice to him these days, not that Skipper normally wasn't nice to him, but was being extra nice. Ever since he'd woken up in Blowhole's office – he'd been told a box containing one of Kowalski's confiscated inventions had fallen on him – Skipper had been acting like that. Private assumed he must have done something especially nice but just couldn't remember what it was.

"Oh, alright." Private shrugged and started down the tunnel, Skipper directly behind him. "Thank you, Skippah."

However, they'd barely gone a quarter of the way through the cramped space when Skipper recognized the sound he dreaded every time they built a tunnel. Skipper pulled Private backwards as a few grams of loose soil sifted down from the roof, and barely a second later the rest of the roof followed. Immediately Skipper started shuffling back down the tunnel, wondering if there was a way they could possibly cover up this one when a familiar glowing red eye appeared, looking down through what had once been shallower section of tunnel which now revealed bright sunlight. Skipper groaned.

"A tunnel? Really?" Blowhole demanded, "Foiled by a tunnel!" Skipper frowned. He was quite certain they hadn't reached the fence yet, "Alright, get out of there." Blowhole ordered, and Skipper got the sense that the escape attempt wasn't what Blowhole was so annoyed about. It was then Skipper noticed the dark object that had shielded them from most of the rubble, and caused the collapse to leave a clear route to the surface. Reluctantly, Skipper and the team climbed up through the hole, just as they heard another section behind them collapse. It was then that Skipper noticed the dark object in the tunnel was actually a tyre, and it was attached to Blowhole's car. Apparently driven being driven over had caused the tunnel to collapse, "See what you've done? You've probably set me back fifteen minutes at the minimum!" Blowhole huffed and called for a group of lobsters to start work on getting the car out of likely the largest pothole it had ever been or would get stuck in. They only managed to make it worse, which was when Skipper noticed he and the other escapees were being largely ignored.

"Uh, this probably isn't the smartest thing to ask," skipper spoke, but regardless his curiosity had gotten the better of him, "but…"

"I don't care if you escape now." Blowhole replied irritably, "You could say a lot of things about Hans, but he had the right idea, who knows how he knew about it ahead of time." Skipper just looked at Blowhole in confusion, then a slight smile spread across his face as he realized what Blowhole was talking about, though it turned to a grimace when Skipper remembered how Hans had discovered it, "Haven't you heard – no, of course you haven't – the Allies have landed at Normandy and will probably reach here any day!" Immediately a cheer erupted among the ranks, "I'm getting out of here while I still can, especially with my name tied to Manfredi and Johnson's," He added as if he couldn't understand why they were connected, "I doctored my first report on Hans' 'demise' to fit me. I've given Kazoo command, so now you can practically just walk out of here."

"But what about revenge for your eye…" Kowalski began to ask before he was silenced by a kick from Skipper.

"No time, maybe we'll meet again sometime, we'll see what happens." Blowhole replied hurriedly, still more concerned with fretting over the car than Skipper and the escapees. The realization that he could simply walk out of the camp finally hitting them, the prisoners suddenly turned around in a mad rush for the barracks, now they'd be able to pack at their leisure since any resistance Kazoo could put up would be little more than a joke.

"Francis!" Doris called, running up to her brother, "I thought I'd missed you!"

"Almost." Blowhole replied, "I guess there was a good side to Skipper's inopportune escape attempt. Don't stare at us, get the car back on the road!" Blowhole snapped at the lobsters.

"I'm going to miss you." Doris replied sadly, giving her brother a goodbye hug, "Do you think we'll see each other again after the war's over?"

"It's kind of unlikely…" A tear began to well in his sister's eye, "Yes, absolutely. No doubt about it." Doris smiled.

"Did you get around to making the call?" Doris asked.

"Yes, I did," Blowhole replied, his expression making it clear he was slightly unsure, though at the same time accepting of whatever his sister's request had been, "Rhonda's going to pick you up in town in about an hour – I'll drop you off. Dad said he's happy to have you back…"

Kowalski, who was almost out of earshot when he heard this immediately turned around in disbelief.

"Doris!" He exclaimed, walking back towards the pair, "What's he talking about, we're going to New York…" Doris shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Kowalski, I'd meant to tell you earlier but I hadn't been able to get the nerve up." She spoke quietly, looking down guiltily. Then something changed and she looked up, meeting Kowalski's eyes, "Everything's been so confusing these days, and now I've finally gotten some thinking done, and I've realized I'm not sure you and New York and running away is what I want. There are just so many things I don't understand… It's time I made my own decisions and I've just made one."

"Don't be ridiculous, Doris." Kowalski scoffed, "You're coming with me to New York, you might have gotten some crazy idea in your head now, but it's for your own good…"

"So you say." Doris countered, and Kowalski was somewhat taken aback by her forceful tone, "I like you Kowalski, but in a lot of ways you're just the same as Hans, always telling me what I should do, how I should feel, the way I should act because you say it's right. You've never listened to what I want or how I feel…"

"Kid, this area's about to go to hell, the front's going to be right here in a couple of days, you're being completely ridiculous…"

"Kid?" Doris demanded, "Even now you aren't taking me seriously. _I know_ what's going to happen, but I've got a family over here, maybe if you wouldn't just write me off as a pretty face with no brains for a second, you'd realize I care about them, and I want to be with them because my younger kid brother is going to need me if things get as bad as you say. And that, is what I think is right." Kowalski just shook his head as if he was speaking to Private and went to speak, but Doris interrupted, "And I'm not sure about you, Kowalski. I like you, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to decide to spend the rest of my life with you – because if I go to New York you'll be the only living soul I know and the only way I can talk to anyone. If you care as much about me as you say you do, you'll respect that…"

"Alright, Doris, this has just become ridiculous." Kowalski snapped, "I don't know what's gotten into your head, but you have no idea what you're talking about. You're coming to New York, weather you realize it's in your best interests now or not…" Kowalski's grip on Doris' wrist grew painful.

"Kowalski." Alius' voice interrupted. "I think the lady's made her decision." Kowalski turned around to snap something at him about it being none of his concern, but Alius beat him to it, "You can't force her – literally, you won't make it through the first town if she's fighting you the whole time." Kowalski looked to his Skipper who'd materialized about twenty feet away. His expression reluctantly agreed with Alius.

"He's right." Skipper concurred grudgingly, "I agree with you, Kowalski, she's your girl so she's supposed to come with you," Doris scowled at the 'supposed to' and Alius didn't seem to agree either, "But dragging her along will endanger the lives of the whole team. I can't allow it." Kowalski still didn't let go of her wrist, "That's an order, soldier. Rico's packed your stuff for you. We're leaving." Doris could see the calculations racing through Kowalski's head, till finally he came to the inevitable conclusion that Doris had him backed into a corner. She wasn't sure if he was more distressed that she wasn't going with him, or the fact she'd outsmarted him. He released her wrist, starting off in the direction of the gates Skipper was half way through.

"I hope you're happy with your decision." Kowalski snapped, but Doris' expression showed only unfaltering determination, "Bye." He muttered.

"Finally!" Blowhole exclaimed as the car groaned and rolled backwards out of the tunnel.

Doris rubbed her wrist, watching as Kowalski disappeared off into the trees. Alius remained tactfully silent, and Blowhole followed suit till her eyes finally left the woods.

"You alright?" Alius asked. Doris nodded shakily, then turned away from the woods entirely.

"Yes," she replied with a faint smile, turning to face him, "Am I happy with my decision? I don't think I've ever been happier." Alius smiled back.

"Glad to hear it." He replied.

"Thanks." She spoke, "Thanks for 'putting that crazy idea' into my head."

"I just outlined your options for you, ma'am. I was glad to be of service." Kowalski answered in that funny formal tone of his that made Doris crack a smile. For a moment they just stood in silence before Kowalski finally cleared his throat, "My team is going to be shipped elsewhere, but I hope we'll meet again some time."

"Yeah, hopefully in more pleasant circumstances." Doris replied.

"I don't want you to be late." He reached for her suitcase, "May I?"

"Why thank you." Doris answered and Kowalski loaded the suitcase into the car. As she stepped with one foot on the running board to get into the passenger seat she noticed Grant was standing a tactful distance away. "I can see you're more than just Captain and Lieutenant," she called across the camp. "Kowalski must be a swell friend to have watching your back."

"No doubt about it." Grant replied. Her attention returned to Kowalski as she slid into the passenger's seat.

"Thanks a lot," She repeated again with a grateful smile, "I know it's unlikely, but I hope we bump into each other some time."

"Glad to have helped. Best of luck, Miss Blowhole." Kowalski replied as Blowhole started the engine and resumed their course out of the camp. Doris waved goodbye through the rear window and Kowalski waved back. Soon enough the car disappeared out of sight. Kowalski's shoulders slumped.

"That was decent of you, Kowalski." Skipper spoke, materializing on his left. "It would have been taking advantage of her to say anything then."

"'real decent'?" Kowalski scoffed dejectedly, "I just couldn't get the nerve up." He accepted the bag of his few personal possessions Skipper handed him and the two started towards the gates, "I hope it isn't true what they say."

"What?"

"Y'know, that love only comes along once so don't let it slip through your fingers." The scientist replied with a sigh. Skipper shrugged to say he'd never heard of that one. "So where are we headed now?"

"Well," Grant replied, "My old Skipper said we're supposed to see if we can get Marlene out of the country, her cover's practically blown." Kowalski nodded quietly, his bag scuffing softly as it was dragged dejectedly along the dusty soil, "But from what I've seen of Marlene she's more than capable of doing that on her own, we'd probably only slow her down, so I'd say we're goin' wherever the action is." Kowalski nodded, trying to seem excited by the prospect of being in the heat of battle again, "I didn't say anything since, like you said, it was time for her to make her own decision and all, but Blowhole Sr.'s a bit of a piece of work himself, owns a factory of something, there's talk of some nasty stuff going on in there. I think we should probably head in that direction." Kowalski grinned. What Skipper neglected to mention was that Doris would make the perfect inside man if he could talk her into it (or get Kowalski to).

The End


End file.
